An Open Letter To The People Who Would Actually Go To A Saw-Themed Haunted House
Dear People Who Would Actually Go to a Saw-themed Haunted House,
So, I heard about your haunted house. It's going to be at the Circus Circus casino in Las Vegas this October as part of a promotional tie-in with Saw VI (Saw VI!). The idea is that the haunted house would recreate some of the classic "games" that the movies' victims "play." Spooky! Producers Mark Burg and Oren Koules of Twisted Pictures described your haunted house this way: "Visitors from around the world will be able to experience the terror of Jigsaw first hand."
Right. (Congratulations, world. The United Nations should organize an International High Five Council.)
But, Sawggalos, it would be much cheaper to just buy a bear trap and fasten it to your head with a timer switch so that it tears your face in half if you can't get the key out of your best friend's intestines fast enough.
Let's do the numbers:
Flights from New York to Las Vegas (October, may vary): $259
Room at Circus Circus: $171.80/night
Entrance to the Fright Dome (2008): $34.95
Food, Misc.: $200
And that's not even taking into account the valueless toll it will take on your self-esteem and your integrity as an adult. Now watch this:
Bear Trap: $157.50
Timer: $7.79
Key: $1.15
If you get a friend or loved one to donate their intestinal tract, that's a savings of almost 80% (based on a two night stay).
Hey, we all like what we like, right? This just happens to be what you like. And I'm just trying to make sure that you get to experience the terror of Jigsaw first hand without hurting your wallet. Economic crisis, or whatever. You're welcome.
Love,
Gabe
P.S. See you at The Gathering!
Posted by Gabe at 4:30 PM in An Open Letter, What America Wants
Tags: Assholes | Halloween | Haunted Houses | Horror Survival | Idiocracy | Jigsaw | Saw | Saw II | Saw III | Saw IV | Saw V | Saw VI | Saw VII
If we could just get the Gathering and this haunted house to cross paths at some point, one of Jigsaw's traps could go "horribly wrong" and wipe everyone out. I'm not necessarily advocating this (am I?) but I'm just suggesting that Murphy's Law could get its ass in gear.
Score = 11
That would be too much like crossing the streams. Results=cataclysmic.
Score = 5
Come on - Jigsaw is just trying to put food on his family.
Score = 19
Correction: Jigsaw is trying to put food on YOUR family, who you will then have to cut your way through in order to get to the food because he has locked you in a room where you will starve if you don't and also there's bomb in your anus or something.
Score = 13
... I thought that was just the pizza I ate last night. And here I was wondering why Fright Domino's let me use an expired coupon.
Score = 6
oh my god the agonizing decision!
SAW house or Juggalo GATHERING
SAW or GATHERING?
GATHERING or SAW?
Only the bear-trap will give me a way out of this agony!!!
Score = 5
Enjoy it while it lasts, Jigsaw. You just know in ten years, he'll be shilling for some Indian Casino in Paducah, KY featuring The Saw XIX Fright Buffet Room with All-U-Can-Eat "Killer" Shrimp & Buffalo "Limbs" for $9.99.
Score = 11
... and a Faygo Fountain.
Score = 3
Or, say, Turning Stone?
Score = 0
Turning Stone's too classy for that. They're more of a Transformers 2: Roulette Wheel Of The Fallen kind of establishment.
Score = 0
Double dog! Double dog!
Score = 12
Are you double dogging Gabe to go to the Saw haunted house, or put a bear trap on his head? Because I care enough about Gabe's well being to oppose both of those options.
Score = 12
I think there are enough Videogummers (gummies? gumbos?) that we could pool our money and send Gabe to the Fright Dome.
I didn't think he could look any more miserable than that shot in the Today Show video dare, but I think he could prove us wrong. Yeah!
Score = 0
Yes. Gumbos.
Score = 5
Supersonic, idiotic, disconnecting, not respecting, who would really ever wanna go and BEAR TRAP
Score = 21
This should not be that funny, but I can't stop giggling.
Score = 2
Is that a picture of Mr Far wearing a Jigsaw mask?
Score = 0
I thought it was Emo Phillips (zing?).
Score = -1
I believe that is actually a picture of Randy "Peter Pan" Constan wearing a mask of Jigsaw wearing a pair of Klan-White TruckNutz on his chin.
Score = 0
This is actually just a clever marketing scheme for Saw 17, in which Jigsaw discovers a sports almanac from the future in the car of one of his time traveling torture victims, opens a casino called Jigsaw's Pleasure Palace, then tortures people there. The casino idea was McG's idea. Because its name is ironic.
Score = 9
It always makes me sad when I see Gabe sign a letter like this with his own name.
Score = 7
It's not the name that makes me sad, it's the lack of title. Somewhere, there is an endowed chair of Imaginary Fiscal Responsibility that is crying itself to sleep tonight because Gabe forgot it.
Score = 1
Yes, there will be disappointment with this experience's Cost:Enjoyment ratio.
Score = 2
The Saw-themed haunted house at Circus-Circus is what the whole hep world would be doing Saturday night if the Nazis had won the war.
Score = 8
I signed in just so I could up-thumb your comment. Gonzo, sir. GONZO.
Score = 1
Sometimes I wonder how we've survived this long as a species.
Score = 4
Because Jigsaw has let us.
Score = 2
Saw VIII: Sugar Slam's Revenge.
Score = 6
$172/night for Circus Circus? Uh... have you ever seen Circus Circus? Actually, its probably the Vegas hotel most likely to cater to Juggalos.
Score = 1
I hear an additional $50 gets you the Crispin Glover suite
Score = -4
Ugh, the cost to your self-esteem and integrity as an adult if this was at Turning Stone would be... you wouldn't be able to look your family in the eye ever again. Astronomical. You'd only be able to take full measure after 20 years at the Tully Denny's working your way up to head waiter.
Score = 0
the high fiving model UN line is applaud worthy, Gabe. (clap)(clap)
Score = 0
What room are you staying at? It is cheaper to stay in the best available room in the Sahara across the street for two nights than your listed price for one night at Circus Circus in October during the Fright Fest at the Adventuredome. Which is weird because the Circus Circus is lower on the casino price tier than the Sahara.
Also if Battlestar Galactica got a UN mandate made, the Saw series deserves one to.
Score = 0
Interesting comparison, so where do i get my beartrap from ?
Score = 0