An Open Letter To Jay Leno
Dear Mr. Leno,
Needless to say (as if that is even an expression that makes any sense, since it precedes saying the thing. Sometimes people just like to use more words, I guess) I am not looking forward to your new show. I have never been looking forward to it. You were terrible on the Tonight Show, and it's not like the constrictions of the Tonight Show were the problem. It's not like a new show is going to prove you're not terrible. Same you. The Tonight Show was just a shell, and you were the pandering, hacky, middle-brow snail. And now you are getting a new shell, but the snail will be the sa--you get it.
When you announced details of your show, I was the same amount of unexcited. You won't have a desk? OK. Again, I never really thought the desk was the problem. That's like saying you're not going to wear a necktie on your new show, as a way to get people excited. Not exciting! You are going to have correspondents? That could be fine, but somehow I feel confident that you will ruin even that. And besides, you bristled at comparisons to the Daily Show, as if the Daily Show was a stupid, unfunny thing to be compared to. It's not. You know what is a stupid, unfunny thing to be compared to? You. And then there is the race track. Oh gosh. What are we even talking about here?
But, Jay Leno, who is reading this and taking this seriously, I would like you to understand that I have always been comfortable with admitting when something is just not for me.
It is a big world we live in! There is room enough for everyone. Obviously, someone likes you. Millions like you. Love you? Maybe. They find your inoffensive, toothless, outdated brand of phony "aw shucks, I'm just a regular old guy with an airplane hangar full of fancy cars" populist 'humor' endearing and, shudder, funny. Fair enough! Who am I to come and slap the laughs out of their mouths. May you continue to entertain the people who are entertained by you (although five nights a week? How about you entertain them once a month?).
And when it was announced that your first guest would be Jerry Seinfled, you know, OK. Again: we should all be so lucky as to find something in this world that makes us happy. Personally, I think that Jerry Seinfeld should have taken his billion dollars and retired to an undersea mansion in the vapor oceans of Saturn where he could drink hover-juice and eat butter sandwiches. There's nothing left for him here. He's never going to be as famous or as funny (debatable) as he once was. Hang up your coat, sir. Take off your shoes. Go to bed. Death is but a waiting game now. But you have some questions for him? And people want to know the answers? I cannot keep saying "fair enough" enough. Fair enough. Bee Movie 2 is going to blow fans of Bee Movie 1 away, I am sure.
But Jay Leno, you released this video on the internet today as a teaser for your show and a teaser for your Earth-shattering interview with Jerry Seinfeld (as if you couldn't cover all that ground in the allotted six minutes? We're going to hang out with Jerry Seinfeld until we get all the answers that America needs?) and, can I just say, WHAT THE FUCK?
Really? Two insanely rich men past their creative prime going on and on (and on and on) about rare race cars (in the middle of a horrible recession, which doesn't mean they shouldn't be rich, but perhaps they could be more sensitive in what they choose to spend their time going on and on [and on and on] about) forever? Not even talking about the cars themselves so much as talking about how they own the cars? And this is a "teaser"? As in "just whet the people's appetites for more of this"? YOU HAVE GOT TO BE FUCKING KIDDING ME. Who wants this? Please don't tell me that anyone actually wants this. Even Jay Leno/Jerry Seinfeld fans are like, "stop talking about these cars and start telling me jokes about airplane food." I'm fine with this being painfully unfunny and boring, I expected nothing different. But to also be insanely self-indulgent and actually kind of gross? Boo, sir. Boo on you.
Here, Jay Leno, I got you something.
Eat it all. Yum.
Posted by Gabe at 5:45 PM in An Open Letter, Late Night
Tags: Cars | Jay Leno | Jerry Seinfeld | Rich People | The Jay Leno Show
You are a sad, bitter old man.
Score = 8
This would have been an excellent opportunity for the "Guido Beach" tag.
Score = 5
all this because you wish you had his chin? for shame.
Score = 2
I'm with you all the way on this, Gabe.
Score = 10
Jay Leno and Jerry Seinfeld? Sign me up for the "Who Cares?" bulletin.
Score = 15
You know, watching that clip, I'm convinced that Jerry and Jay would be perfect as two guys who just hung out at the track all time, swapping in-jokes about torqueifiers and production models. That said, I'm not sure the camera needs to be there. As it is, they're an unfunny and unhelpful version of Car Talk.
Also, that is the ugliest car I've ever seen, and there's a guy in my complex who drives a Nissan Cube.
Score = 20
Hey, remember that episode of the Simpsons where Jey Leno helped an irrelevant Krusty the Clown revamp his comedic image? Irony. Also, Gabe, don't you hate pants?
Score = 14
He gave Krusty a bath too.
I think everyone would appreciate it if Jay Leno just spent his remaining years washing clowns. Especially the clowns.
Score = 22
I think we can safely say we all hate pants. Now lets all burn our money and drive our Canyoneros over to Mr Leno's house so we can talk about how great the new "Charlies Chin Wax" is.
Score = 2
You know what's next to his airplane hangar full of cars? An airplane hangar full of denim shirts.
Nah, just kidding. He only owns one.
Score = 33
Here in Texas, we call what he was wearing there a "Texas Tuxedo." Yup.
Score = 3
No we don't.
Score = 5
i've heard it referred to as a canadian tuxedo? but either way, no.
Score = 1
I would upvote you a hundred times if I could. Lots of Love!!
Score = 2
"...And what is the deal with Jay Leno? I mean, he's not funny and HE'S NOT FUNNY. "
-Jerry Seinfeld
"Haha."
-The world
Score = 32
Why can't rich people just take their billions and leave us all alone? I guess it's no fun having ostentatious wealth if you can't flaunt it. So grozz.
Score = 3
So if you want to understand what is "going on" with Jay Leno's new car talk show, watch a few episodes of the BBC show Top Gear. He's basically taking that concept and removing the britishness, the expertise, the wit and the comedy that was left in that franchise.
The thing about Top Gear is that when it works it's not about the cars but about the antagonistic playground antics of middle aged men. You don't have to be into cars to like it.
What Jay's done here is make his show about cars and which transmission went into which production Porsche and other boring things you talk about when you're a wealthy husk of a person.
Plus: Dave is funnier, Conan is funnier.
Score = 6
True, for Top Gear you don't have to be into cars to enjoy it. However, you have to be into :( to like Jay's new show.
Score = 1
Besides being overall terrible, his interviewing skills are particularly terrible. He's so awkward and passive! When Jerry Seinfeld is setting him up by giving him shit and picking on him, Jay just takes it and appears to be a little bothered by it, but reluctantly pushes on.
Conan (and maybe even Letterman) would've taken all of those insults and set ups, and turned them into something absolutely hilarious. Conan is a funny person. The only joke Jay Leno makes in that entire video is something about Jerry Seinfeld's waist line getting bigger. Good one, Jay. He's like a fucking awkward uncle at your graduation party trying to crack jokes after he's had two Coors light's.
I hate you Jay Leno.
I hate that you just COULDNT let Conan take over late night comedy on NBC and leave us all the hell alone.
Score = 15
I like my uncle.
But Jay Leno is ballzzz.
And what's this "maybe even Dave" stuff? You kids with your comic books and portable phones! More like "of course Dave." Dave is the best. He's not even very good anymore, and he's still the best. Letterman v. Grodin, interview of the century, am I right? Oh my god I like Charles Grodin, how old am I?
Score = 6
At least he's just stopped trying to be funny altogether. Sometimes it gets a bit sad watching a paraplegic try to walk. Even if that paraplegic is a billionaire who owns a golden hover-wheelchair and loves to talk to other paraplegic billionaires about billionaire stuff like.purchasing million-dollar cars that Steve McQueen drove.
Maybe GP can be the second guest.
Score = 3
Gabe is just a little bitch now.
Score = -16
Where's Danny Mother's when you need him?
Score = 4
I don't know what apostrophes do.
Score = 18
Good comment. Very critical.
Score = 5
I would downvote you a hundred times if I could. Lots of Hate!
Score = 6
HOLD ON. I understand the rush to judgment on Jay Leno-- his old show had a desk, etc. But isn't it kind of fun to watch Jerry Seinfeld slowly mortgage all of the goodwill he garnered in the 90s? I thought the man would take BEE MOVIE as a lesson, but he is clearly determined to do everything short of LucasFilm-style remixing old Seinfeld episodes to make us hate him forever. So let's see him try, eh? Why not become Jay Leno's ANNOUNCER? When Jay Leno drives in with the expensive car, someone has to move it during the first commercial break, right?
Score = 5
Has anyone else seen the Jay Leno Ad that's playing in front of District 9? The one making fun of the Blair Witch Project because relevance? Here it is in case you want to "woof" a bit.
Score = 1
I was actually gonna bring that up because I lol'd at it. But it wasn't at anything Leno did. It was funny until the end when he reminded me that this was because he refuses to go away.
Score = 2
Yeah, I can't wait for his hilarious Tamagotchi parody ad next!
Score = 1
I like your thoughts, sir, and I would like to subscribe to your weekly newsletter.
Score = 4
Synopsis of Jay Leno's new show:
EXT--RACETRACK Jay and Jerry talk about cars that only one percent of the population can afford. Jerry calls for his assistant, who brings him a small boy with an afro. Jerry lights the boy's afro on fire and uses the flames to ignite the tip of a Cuban cigar. Jerry laughs maniacally after taking two puffs and then extinguishes the cigar on the gaffer's forehead.
Jerry asks what's the deal with these Hammer pants, already? And beepers, what's the deal with beepers?
Jay shakes his head and laughs. Jay and Jerry high-five. Jay says' Wokka-wokka-wokka' and cabbage-patches off screen with his tongue between his teeth while Snap's 'I've Got The Power' plays.
EXT--HOLLYWOOD BLVD. Jay drives his Koenigsegg at 245 MPH past some homeless people. The prevailing wind strips the flesh off their bones.
INT--KOENISEGG CABIN Jay pontificates about the importance of hybrid and alternative fuel vehicles while driving a car that gets less than ten miles to the gallon.
EXT--CONAN O'BRIAN'S HOUSE Jay lights a bag of dog shit on fire and leaves it on Conan's porch. As he runs out of frame he says 'Did I do that?' in a Steve Urkel voice.
Jay drives home.
EXT--JAY LENO'S HOUSE Jay pulls a flashy power slide into his driveway and exits the car, killing three landscapers in the process. Kevin Eubanks emerges from the bushes and shoots Jay Leno.
Score = 10
I don't know, Gabe....what else do you expect gillionaires to talk about except their toys? You've just got to lower your expectations. Don't get so upset...my God, man, you're 69 years old!! You could stroke out or something.
I watched it. Kinda boring. They don't seem to like each other, which begs the question: why have him as a guest?
Score = 1
Because Jay Leno is out of touch. Just like Seinfeld is out of touch. They have SO MUCH IN COMMON! Seriously. Jay Leno is like "I wish I could go back to the 90s when I was skinnier and even more insanely popular and getting Seinfeld was a coup." Course, back then, he didn't have ALL THE CARS. Gosh, I hate him. I hate him good.
Score = 1
I sincerely hate to be the type of person to say this and mean it, but his face BOTHERS ME. Dude looks like a bad Sharpie caricature at a carnival. I could maybe even handle his horrible jokes if he just appeared half as intelligent as Conan. He looks like Sean Hannity's creepy uncle. On a related note, Monster's Ball should include a "Most Objectively Thoughtful Comment" because this is that comment.
Score = 11
That clip was just a bunch of passive aggressive, machismo-heavy, small talk. Exactly the type of thing I actively avoid.
Score = 1
Or conversely:
Kids write open letters to Jay Leno the darndest things
Score = -4
I know for a fact that Steve McQueen's car was a 1 to 10 scale model carved out of pine. I'm not saying Jay and Jerry are liars of course. I'm just saying they are really really small.
Score = 2
I'd be a bit more impressed with the title of "top car collector" if each car didn't cost him the equivalent of me buying a compact disc. On the flip side, I can't help but believe he's going to win back his slowly fading image with this season of Curb. LD will not passively accept Jerry's barbs (and doesn't give a shit about cars.)
Score = 1
Jay Leno is not my style, but I do think that what NBC did to him was shitty. He got good ratings and he should have stayed if he wanted to. I LOVE Conan and am thrilled he got the Tonight Show, which he is great at and deserves. But Jay Leno couldn't just bow out? Really? Now Conan is sandwiched between Leno and Fallon? Why does NBC want Conan to feel more awkward than he already does being a giant, red-headed pale man? Now he has to be the one to keep viewers after Leno and stretch them into Fallon? Yikes!
Score = 3
I hope that isn't an icecream cake.
Score = 2
I hope that isn't an ice cream cake.
Score = 0
holy shit, have you seen the NBC.com comments for that video?
"Thank goodness! The long wait is almost over.As far as time off is concerned I do hope that you took some time to just relax,everyone who knows you says thats doubtful and you're a workaholic,but you have their total respect,myself included.I can't wait to hear your opinion on the health care reform proposial."
NO.
Score = 7
That last sentence is scarier than even a big blue winking emoticon. I didn't even think that would be possible, and yet here I am with pee pants.
Score = 6
Wow, two D-bags doing some T-bag. Why can't he just retire gracefully and let Conan have his time to shine?
Score = 0
Do not arrive early to see (or probably any movie at AMC) the time travelers wife or else you will have to watch a "see it first" about the show where jay hits someone in his fancy car and then ends up holding a gun to a cops head while he digs his own grave?? And SPOILER ALERT it was only a can of red paint that he hit!! The worst.
Score = 0
Well the placement of that parentheses bit makes zero sense. I blame jay leno.
Score = 0
And somebody already wrote about it. I still blame jay
Score = 0
I went to see Ponyo - you know, little kids' movie, for little kids - at an AMC theatre and we were subjected to a total of two (2) Jay Leno advertisements for a cumulative total of ten (10) minutes. Fun times! By which I mean not so much with the fun. At all. Ever.
Good movie, though!
Score = 1
Oh, geez, sadness alert. Preceding comment was supposed to be in reply to swinglow's comment just above. I take my shame and I wear it as I would a cloak.
Score = 0
This is needless to say.
Score = 0
"and they finally did away with those kinds of races because too many people were killed and injured.... i know, but whats the downside?"
you know, comedy
Score = 0
That cake looks delish. I'd love a slice but I'm full and bloated on that Gwenyth Roast chicken.
Score = 0