An Open Letter To January Jones
Dear January Jones,
PLEASE BE CAREFUL. There was a report in Variety this morning that you have been cast in an upcoming movie called Hungry Rabbit Jumps. Congratulations! If I had things my way, you would be cast in everything. You are good at acting and you are great at having a pretty face. They should print your face on pillowcases in hospitals so that sick people could hold the pillows and feel better. Is that weird? Let's move on, January Jones.
You need to be careful because while we are happy that you are getting more work, your Hungry Rabbit Jumps co-star is Nicolas Cage, who makes almost exclusively horrible movies. And it's directed by Roger Donaldson, who made Cocktail and Dante's Peak. I'm not saying that this is going to be a bad movie. Who knows! I don't know. I'm just saying PLEASE BE CAREFUL.
You've also signed up to star in another movie, called Unknown White Male.
This is also a thriller, with Liam Neeson. Based on the description, it seems very likely that at some point in the movie he will say "Get off my family!" This project is being directed by Jaume Collet-Serra, who made House of Wax, and There's Something Wrong with Esther. Again, I'm not saying this is going to be a bad movie. Who's saying that? I'm not saying that. There is no way to know whether or not this will be a bad movie. I'm just saying PLEASE BE CAREFUL, JANUARY JONES.
In a recent interview with GQ magazine you alluded to your ex-boyfriend, who it turns out was Ashton Kutcher? Ashton Kutcher. Do you see what I mean here, January Jones? About needing to BE CAREFUL? Look, there's no controlling the human heart. It does what it wants. At one point your heart wanted to be in love with the human incarnation of a Von Dutch hat. That's all in the past anyway. But you've got a good thing going here. Mad Men is great. Your face, as I said earlier, is one of the better faces these days. Just TAKE YOUR TIME when it comes to MAKING DECISIONS.
You can't be contained in a Betty Draper box for the rest of your life, and no one wants that for you! It is time for you to spread your wings and fly, January Jones! Just PLEASE BE CAREFUL about flying directly into the sun. Or coming into bodily contact with Nicolas Cage. No one needs the name January Jones to be synonymous with Barfing So Much. That man's head is where sick wigs go to die.
Sincerely,
Henry Francis
Posted by Gabe at 10:20 AM in An Open Letter, Behind The Scenes
Tags: Betty Draper | Hungry Rabbit Jumps | January Jones | Mad Men | Nicolas Cage | Unknown White Male
P.S. - Give DS3M a call, he's da coolest.
Score = 2
I think that picture of her is gonna make all the boy monsters reach for their shake weights.
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More like January Jugs, amiright?
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*high five*
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This article makes me want Don Draper to punch Ashton Kutcher in the face. And what the hell, Nicolas Cage too.
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I'll sign up if January wears that top ringside
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This article makes me want Don Draper to threateningly fingerbang Ashton Kutcher outside a restaurant bathroom. And then stare menacingly at Nicolas Cage as he casually wipes off his fingers on his napkin back at the table.
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This comment was a GREAT addition to my LOL(k). [Is that how this thing works?]
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Yeah, January Jones. Did you see Weather Man? People throwing Frosties on Nic Cage wasn't in the script. They just see him and want to throw stuff on him. Be careful, I don't want to see you getting Cherry Slush overspray on your pretty face.
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Henry Francis would never sign a letter with his full name. Instead he uses only his first initial, being the king of discreet that he is.
Sincerely,
-A
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January Jones is becoming the new Virginia Madsen; great at what she does and has been in great films no-one's seen, but appears in a whole bunch of terrible films that get wide releases.
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"Doing a movie with Nicolas Cage is quite tawdry"
Sincerely,
Hank
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"the human incarnation of a Von Dutch hat"
I will now spend the rest of the day ROFLMAOing at this line.
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If she looked further into Jon's past she'd see that he too was in a movie that no one saw. Learn from your characters guys!
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Gabe is that a picture of January Jones or a picture of your January Jones femskin?
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"Get off my family!!!" Is now my reply to any and all telemarketers and Jehovah's Witnesses.
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Hold on there guys, we're talking about an actress who starred in the masterpiece known as "American Pie 3: American Pie Gets Married"... I think she knows what she's doing.
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You Mean January Jones, currently of Mad Men, formerly of American Wedding and Dirty Dancing: Havana Nights? I don't think she has the mindset of an actress with the luxury to choose roles carefully.
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PLEASE BEING YOUR SHOTGUN, BETTY DRAPER. It's for the best, really. Nicholas Cage has rabies. It's time someone took him out of his misery and removed the danger to our movie-viewing eyes.
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The Cage movie is actually called "Hungry Rabbit Jumps," which personally makes me 100% less likely to see this movie, sweet January face or no sweet January face.
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she has to put food on her family
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Oh, I'm sorry Gabe, were you talking? I must have been distracted by something.
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I agree she needs to be careful, also with her picture choices. I feel like she's a whip away from a full on BDSM porno in every magazine she's been in. We get it, you're not Betty Draper!
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I can't summon up much concern for her career choices whilst looking at that picture. Why don't you be in everything, January Jones?? The more movies the merrier! Go for it!
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I think that the only reason January Jones is a good actress is because she plays Betty Draper, whose primary role is to look pretty and remain emotionless. I'm pretty sure it's hard to be terrible at your job when you amazing scripts, direction, set and costume design.
What I'm trying to say, is I think Mad Men makes January look good, not the other way around. Not that she's terrible. But not that she's amazing either.
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She's not emotionless, it's just that her people are Nordic.
But seriously, I think January Jones does a fabulous job as Betty. Betty is a mess of (most of the time) repressed emotions and the way that Jones lets glimpses of the pain and frustration and sadness and bitterness and emptiness flit across her face or seep through into little piece of business is pretty awesome.
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I guess she had to break up with Josh Groban because they were always arguing about who is the prettiest. (Thanks, Wikipedia!)
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Gabe, you make some great points. HOWEVER, I would like to mention that Roger Donaldson has also directed the fine films The World's Fastest Indian and The Bank Job, not to mention the classic genre piece Species. I understand your need to cherry pick his spotty track record(The Recruit is great for getting to sleep. On account of the boredom) but credit where credit is due. Unlike a lot of other directors, Donaldson appears to be getting better, learning, if you will.
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I read Videogum for the articles.
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