An Open Letter Of Thanks To The Twilight Phenomenon
Dear the Twilight phenomenon,
As a 69-year-old man, I continue to be completely ignorant of what you're actually about. I mean, I know that you're about adolescent vampires, and I know that at some point you're also about adolescent CGI werewolves. But I haven't read the books, and I have not seen the movies, because reading the books and seeing the movies won't make my hands stop hurting when a storm is approaching.
But I have to admit that for as much hay as we all make of you (the amount of hay being roughly the equivalent of how much money you have made, which is in turn roughly equivalent to how loud teenage girls scream when there is anything that even remotely has anything to do with you going on, so lots of hay is what I'm saying), and for as derisive as we can all sometimes be towards this thing (you) that obviously appeals to millions of people in a way that probably nothing we ever do will even come close to--and, yes, maybe we are a little jealous even as we pretend that intellectually and also aesthetically you are beneath us, and in reality it's probably a defensive reaction to mask the fact that sometimes we just feel kind of alone in this world--OH MAN, Twilight Phenomenon, some of the unexpected third party creations inspired by you are killing us these days. We are dead!
Last week's ice cream cake was a classic. And this dude's t-shirt has been making me laugh all day (the face helps, though). I'm not so into the weird felt aborted vampire fetuses, or whatever, because even without having any idea what that's all about I can still tell it's creepy. But the point is that even standing cold and alone as my bones begin to shrink beneath the same sensible clothes I've been wearing for decades, completely outside of your frenzied, bubble-gum-lipgloss scented whirlwind, I have still gotten a couple of serious Lots Of Loves (my granddaughter taught me that one over Instant Talking). Someone take me to the hospital, I laughed my hip into pieces.
And that's worth something, Twilight Phenomenon. Even if I never see a single movie or take a single cruise, you have, somehow, unexpectedly, inexplicably, improved my life.
THANKS, IT TURNS OUT!
Sincerely,
twilight_lover_69_years_old
P.S. Thanks for the tip, Max.
Posted by Gabe at 3:45 PM in An Open Letter
Tags: Fashion | Twilight | Vampires
is dat a boy or is it a gurl?? LOL it looks like both mixed cuz dere is one booby !!
Score = 11
I don't believe in Twilight.
Score = 5
Twilight believes in you.
Score = 37
wouldn't it be a more versatile shirt if it just said "I know what you are into, and you are an idiot".
I'm just thinking of what I can wear to The Gathering AS WELL AS to all future Twilight/Harry Potter/Transformers movies.
Score = -2
This is NOT the place to make fun of Harry Potter, IkilledMichael.
Score = 3
weird felt aborted vampire fetus looks like an infected spider bite. Mommy, is that where vampires come from?
Score = 9
Plus now you can tell if something is sexy totally on the basis of it sparkling in the sunlight.
Score = 3
make no mistake, that guy is secretly a fan. he made a felt vampire penis, felt vampire wedding certificate (cuz guys, even if we are unholy we gotta avoid prematatial sex!) and felt vampire prenup as well as the vampire womb. his snark just help hide those wannabe vampire tears he cries at night as he wishes he could be with edward instead of bella.
Score = -3
Hey! Thats my boyfriend!
and he is not in love with edward! The only reason he keeps that life sized cut-out of him is so he can punch it and take all his twilight rage out on it! Thats how the cut-out got that hole in the back of its pants from. From all his raging!
Score = 3
I tried to read the books, but i kept getting papercuts and that trailer scared me because of what can happen.
Score = 21
Sometimes I am glad people make things like that felted womb. If a crocheted model of a tiny human-vampire mutant fetus exists, then surely true love does, too!
Score = 9
Just keep reaching for those stars! (but not while there is a full moon)
Score = 2
Gabe should tie a huge bunch of vampires to the top of his house and fly away to adventure!
Score = 13
Thats silly. Vampires can't fly!
:p
Score = 0
I thought it was called Instant Mimeographing. Damn.
Score = 4
Knowing that something like that homemade womb exists has negatively effected my life in a way that even a funny looking guy in a silly t-shirt can't make up for.
Score = 3
I'm sorry, I still don't understand the appeal of vampires. True Blood, Twilight... Why are these popular things? I've never been remotely interested in a story-line involving blood-sucking and bizarre human-vampire love affairs. What I really don't understand is the typical vampire fan isn't your typical nerd. They are the same people that walk around and you consider to be (pretty) normal. VAMPIRES, REALLY?
Score = 1
I'm right there with you on this one. I've had plenty of friends that totally love vampire stuff and whatnot... I just have never been able to get it. Be into whatever you want to be into, but I no understandy.
Score = 0
haha, see below.
Score = 0
I believe the extra piece of clothing hanging from the gent's waste is made of denim. And they're not his pants, cause he's wearing those. So that's awesome.
Score = -3
Isn't Twilight a documentary?
Score = 3
Yes, it follows an 18-year-old girl who is harassed, stalked, and impregnated by an adopted 100+-year-old pale shut-in who never sleeps and has ridiculous bedhair. He teaches her how to feast on live animals and jump real high and stuff. This lights the loins of prepubescent girls on fire.
Score = 10
Oh man, Twilight has completely ruined felt for me. Which is awful because I love making fake candy canes by twisting red and white pipe cleaners together! :(
Score = 2
Wait, are pipe cleaners coated in felt or some other mysterious material? Oh well, all I know is that every type of arts and crafts are ruined!
Score = 2
Score = 25
I expect this to get lots of downvotes because people can't handle the truth. Shoulda put Bon Ivor in there though. +1
Score = 0
You had me at Hello.
Score = 1
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=t0v8rCZazrA
Score = 0
This is such a win that to say that it's the best thing since Freez-pops doesn't even begin to do it justice.
Score = 1
Is that a Venture Brothers reference in his shirt? If so, Really Lots of Love, though most of it for Dr. Orpheus and Dean Venture.
Score = 1
Well, that felt womb is terrifying. You don't see us Harry Potter nerds running around making felt versions of Harry's parents' corpses or whatever. Therefore, we win.
Score = 15
This t-shirt make me pregnant with lots of love.
Score = 2
Why do you guys have to make fun of something millions of people love and make happy? Does it make you feel better at night or something? I just don't get it. Leave Twilight alone, please? Thank you.
Score = -32
Well, I'm convinced.
Score = 18
Score = 25
haha very funny! I get it! I really do! I hope when you guys are at dinner tonight that you have a wonderful time with your loved ones and those you care about. I hope you don't start making fun of them needlessly like you do Twilight. What if your family was Twilight? If they were in it would you hate on it so much like that you do? Would you still be that mean?
Score = -6
Did you mean to make a "have fun at dinner" joke? If so, kahdooz to you.
Score = 15
My brother finally came out as twilight. My dad doesn't talk to him anymore because of it.
Score = 13
My little sister's a Twilight fan. I laugh at her. She's so little! I can't wait 'til she grows up and stops being so little. And stupid.
Score = 2
It makes me feel better in the daytime too. Because there's no vampires then.
Score = 4
The Vampires are there- they're just cleverly disguised as Diamonds or American Apparel Models- depending on if it's a sunny day.
Vampires.... More than meets the eye!
Score = 5
Shit, somebody call Michael Bay and tell him to put a sexy vampire in the next Transformers movie that turns into a coffin during the day. It's brilliant!!
Score = 3
Millions of people make Twilight happy?
Score = 6
I count one big error in your comment. Do you? Count it back with me. ONE. A A A A.
Score = 1
Is that Max "Vinnie DelPino" Casella wearing that shirt?
Score = 4
I chose to read the shirt in a Bobby Bottleservice voice. I do not regret this choice.
Score = 5
Score = 7
Brilliant. This makes a tear come to my eye due to it's beauty.
Score = 0