An Open Letter To The Transformers
Dear The Transformers,
Please shut the fuck up.
Let me explain. The most exciting part of last night's Real World was seeing the new trailer for your movie. It is even better than the one that showed during the Super Bowl, which was already a very very good one. You guys transform so quickly into such giant monsters! YIKES!
The problem is, the trailer for you guys's last movie was also very exciting, and then the movie was whatever the opposite of exciting is. The opposite of exciting is bad, right? Based on the trailer, it looked like a lot of pretty amazing robots blowing shit up in spectacular ways. And for awhile that's just what it was! Very exciting! In real life mass-destructive killing machines are terrifying, but in the summer at a movie they are fun like toys and games! But, um, then you guys opened your mouths and whoops, the whole thing fell apart.
See, when you guys talk, you sound like idiots. Big time. Major league idiots. This is what you sound like. You sound like that crossed with this. You sound like Voltron's boyfriend. So when I ask you to shut the fuck up, I'm not saying not to turn into a lazer-beam-jet-fighter-Tonka-bulldoze-nightmare-truck and blow all the stuff up. I'm just saying do it without talking.
Pretend you're blowing everything up at a library.
Sincerely,
Lindsay Robertson.
Posted by Gabe at 2:30 PM in An Open Letter
Tags: Transformers 2
You forgot the part where they didn't even let us see the pretty amazing robots blowing shit up in spectacular ways because they were too busy cutting to a million indistinguishable close-ups.
Boo, Michael Bay. Boo.
Score = 4
Anyone else disappointed that the chainsaw clip was so anticlimactic?
Score = 2
it's just cinema verite, man
Score = 1
I'm starting to suspect that Lindsay doesn't actually exist and is actually Gabe's alter ego.
Score = 6
That first scene is such a rip off of Armageddon.
Score = 0
You forget that this is based off of an 80's cartoon where all the robots talked. And had really cheesy quips.
That is what makes these live action movies fucking awesome. Because they still use really cheesy quips all the time.
It's perfect, really.
So no, Transformers, DON'T shut up. Say more stupid slogans. Just like the good old days.
Score = -1
There's a difference between forgetting that something is based on an '80s cartoon and NOT BEING 9 YEARS OLD ANYMORE. I know what these movies are based off of, I just don't care. There are so many ways in which these movies are not faithful to the source material that I hardly think this is the one thing to which they need to stay true.
Score = 6
Well I guess all I can say is suck it up and watch them as they are, or just don't watch them, I suppose.
Score = -1