Andy Rooney’s always-entertaining commentary on last night’s 60 Minutes was about shoes. Why don’t they design better ones, why don’t they fit, why does everyone have so many, and then a weird nostalgic story at the end just to make sure it didn’t make too much sense. Anyway, I’m not suggesting that this is the first or even fourth time Andy Rooney has used his complaining column to talk about shoes, but a google search just now turned up an interesting SNL transcript.
SNL 1981, Season 7, episode 1:
Andy Rooney…Joe Piscopo
[Open on the title "A FEW MINUTES WITH ANDY ROONEY"]
Announcer: And now, “A Few Minutes With Andy Rooney.”
[Dissovle to Rooney sitting at a desk covered in shoes]
Andy Rooney: I’ve been doing some serious thinking about shoes. Ever notice shoes? Everybody wears them. Just look down. There’s so many different kinds. A lotta shoes sound like what they are. Oxfords, work shoes, loafers. I guess the good thing about loafers is you don’t have to tie them. Space shoes, boots! Ever notice there weren’t many Nazis named Steve? You know what’s annoying? When that little plastic thing on the end of your shoelaces falls off and gets frayed at the end, and you can’t get ‘em through the holes, and you gotta do this [licks end of shoelace] to do this. [pushes shoelace through hole in shoe] Ever notice what a weird name Morley Safer is? Morley, is that the opposite of Leslie? And Mike Wallace. Boy, what a jackass! I mean, if you did something illegal, would you tell Mike Wallace about it? I wouldn’t. Ever notice how annoying my voice is? Of course, you can turn it off. I can’t. Ever notice it gets dark at night? Where does the sun go? Nobody knows. Ever notice how much rouge I have on my cheeks? Of course, some people think it makes me look like a clown.
[He continues over the applause as the "A FEW MINUTES WITH ANDY ROONEY" title fades back in]
WEIRD! Here’s last night’s segment, because this was all just an excuse to put it up in case anyone missed it: we should all watch Andy every week while we still have him:
The Joe Piscopo shoe sketch isn’t online, but I did find this one of JP RAPPING as Andy Rooney from a 1984 HBO special. (It’s terrible, but here! Happy birthday.)