Out of all the possible Worst Movies of All Time so far, none has been as painful to actually watch as I Know Who Killed Me. From its free-form “jazz” editing to its extended torture scenes to the chain-smoking divorcee voice of Lindsay Lohan, I found myself actually turning away from the screen at times, wondering why I was being punished for abandoning my true talent (SPOILER) to write about this. I do not know who nominated this one, but do not be surprised if you wake up in a ditch one day. Because I murdered you. Because you made me watch this. Because it’s horrible.
I Know Who Killed Me starts with a standard horror-thriller plotline. A high school girl, Aubrey, is abducted by a serial killer who tortures his victims with blown glass objects that he seems to have patterned off of his favorite World of Warcraft weaponry before abandoning them to die. But then Aubrey is found by the side of the road, alive, with a hand and a leg missing, and she’s like “My name is Dakota, and I’m a stripper, and you’re not my mom, my mom was a crackhead.” Everyone thinks that Aubrey has repressed her horrible experience and created an alternate persona, but Dakota is like “Look, I smoke cigarettes and I hate cats, but Aubrey didn’t smoke cigarettes and loved cats, so obviously we’re different.” Still, she’s the only one who can find the killer, who is still at large. But then at the end of the movie the twist is that SPOILER ALERT Dakota and Aubrey are magical twins and the killer turns out to be a member of the Blue Man Group and basically it’s Parent Trap but with murder?
This movie has the notoriety that many of the Worst Movies have (an 8% ranking on Rotten Tomatoes, the most Razzie Awards in history) and rightfully so. The only thing worse than an amnesia plotline is an unknown twin plotline. And the only thing worse than both of those is a movie where it’s obvious that the director had a girlfriend in high school that he wanted to fuck and/or murder, so he subjects the audience to extended scenes of Lindsay Lohan stripping and getting mutilated. Dude, couldn’t you have just drunk dialed your ex and left the rest of us out of it?
Not that the movie is without its sense of humor. For example, Dakota uses Ask Jeeves.
That’s funny. Also anything involving her prosthetic hand.
Aubrey, we are told over and over again, was a promising young writer, as evidenced by her short story called “Dakota.”
Aubrey actually stole the sentence “she’d been hoping she [sic] biological mother would turn out to be, oh, Cameron Diaz or Gwen Stefani” from F. Scott Fitzgerald, which is why her piano teacher turned into a serial killer, because he hates when people give up piano to plagiarize geniuses.
It was hard to find a scene that would really give you a sense of just how deep you’d want to drive your blown-glass serated hand-sword into your eye, but this one seems to combine the grossness of the horror sequences with the horror of Lohan’s acting sequences.
I think that last line was directed at anyone who paid to see this.
The worst part of the whole thing was how Netflix be playing games.
Go fuck yourself, Netflix.