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Most of the shows have had their season finales by now, or even “worse,” their SERIES finales. (Personally, I love when a show ends for good. It means a new show can take its place. The Office was great but it is time for us to move on, give me a break, what are we going to watch The Office for the rest of our lives?!) There are only two episodes of Game of Thrones left this season. Breaking Bad doesn’t return until late summer. It’s time to show a little ingenuity and start making some lists if we’re going to get through this thing. Oh, sure, you could go outside and enjoy the world around you, read a book and jump in a lake and eat some ice cream and enjoy the company of friends. OR you could rewatch old TV shows and catch up on the ones you have missed! As you know, I have been slowly making my way back through The Sopranos, which is the best show that has ever been on television full stop FACT and I will argue with anyone about this who feels up to the challenge of LOSING, and just started season 6A last weekend and the show is still 100% perfect. And if you haven’t watched Top of the Lake or Banshee yet, you really should, they are both great. Someone told me to check out Rectify. Have you seen Rectify? Is it good? Let’s watch Rectify. Obviously, Behind the Candelabra this weekend, but that’s just extra credit. Alright, you have your first assignments, but if anyone would like to suggest a syllabus of their own, this is not a real summer school, we can do whatever the hell we want. EXCEPT READ. (Image via Shutterstock.)
- Dalek Pizza. Kind of? It looks like a blob to me. Blob pizza 4 nerds. -Nerdalicious
- Mitch Hurwitz admitted recently that there are a few (or maybe a lot of?) shots in the upcoming season of Arrested Development (??) that were filmed in front of a green screen because the scheduling conflicts with the actors. Uh-oh! -/Film
- Steven Spielberg is going to make a live-action Halo TV series for Xbox Live. Man, I care about almost none of the words in that sentence! Do you care about any of them?! -TheVerge
- Vulture put together an A – Z conversation guide full of quotes from Before Sunrise and Before Sunset. So do you want to talk like these jerks or what? (Not one of the quotes.) -Vulture
- Maybe you should stop trying to get Ghostbusters 3 to happen, Dan Aykroyd. -FilmDrunk
- This Zach Galifianakis story has been going around a lot today, in a way that is honestly a little upsetting, but it is a nice story! So. You only live once, whatever, here it is! -Dlisted
- NextMovie has gathered up a few things you may have missed from Star Trek Into Darkness. For instance, did you know they hid references to Arrested Development running gags in every scene? It’s true! (It’s not true.) -NextMovie
“Do you come here often?” asked the robot to its owner, Robert. Robert had programmed the robot to ask him if he came here often every time he approached his bar even though it was in his home and he for sure came there often, like every night. “You’re the bartender, wouldn’t you know?” They always played this game. “I’m new here,” the robot responded, “but I guess from your answer we can conclude that neither of us come here very often. Or at least have come here often yet.” What? It wasn’t flirty, though I can see how you might think it was supposed to be flirty. It was strictly platonic between the robot and its owner. “What do you do?” the robot was programmed to ask next. “I am a lawyer. I work a lot so I don’t have a lot of time to keep up personal relationships. It gets a little lonely.” “Oh, that’s too bad,” replied the robot, as it replies every night. “I know. Ah, I can’t really complain though. Enough about me. What do you do outside of the bar? Any hopes and dreams?” “I am an artist,” one of the robot’s programmed responses, “A sculpter. I guess that’s why I chose mix-mix-mix-mix-mix–” Uh-oh, there was something wrong with the robot! Robert, the human in the story, perhaps a poorly chosen name now that the author thinks about it, as it is very close to robot, or maybe it was intentional?!, tried to tap the robot on the arm. Sometimes that worked. “Mix-mix-mix-mix-mix” the robot continued. “Mix-mix-mix.” “GOD DAMNIT” shouted Robert.
Thank God. I’m so sick of people doing regular parkour. WHERE IS THE ZOMBIE MAKEUP?! For goodness sake, if you’re going to do back flips off of a garbage dump into a front roll down a broken escalator, PUT ON SOME ZOMBIE MAKEUP FIRST. Is that too much to ask? Am I the one who is demanding too much? This is America in 2013, we have earned it! Mostly I am just excited for how there is DEFINITELY going to be a zombie movie featuring parkour now. Very cool. Cannot wait. I’m already in line at Showcase Cinemas. Maybe when the movie is over we can sneak into the theater down the hall where they are showing that base-jumping vampire movie? Let’s see how we feel.
Brad Pitt is the subject of the cover article of Esquire this month, talking about whatever it is that Brad Pitt talks about. I’m literally not sure. I could read the whole thing and at the end I would just be like, uh, he’s Brad Pitt? I heard him on Fresh Air one time and after 45 minutes of answering Terry Gross’s questions, the only thing I remember him saying is that he doesn’t like to talk about himself because he’s from the midwest. Haha. OK! Anyways, it’s hard out there for a shrimp, but it’s even harder out there for a Brad Pitt!
“So many people hate me because they think I’m disrespecting them,” he says. “So I swear to God, I took one year where I just said, This year, I’m just going to cop to it and say to people, ‘Okay, where did we meet?’ But it just got worse. People were more offended. Every now and then, someone will give me context, and I’ll say, ‘Thank you for helping me.’ But I piss more people off. You get this thing, like, ‘You’re being egotistical. You’re being conceited.’ But it’s a mystery to me, man. I can’t grasp a face and yet I come from such a design/aesthetic point of view. I am going to get it tested.” It’s gotten to the point where he doesn’t even like going out — “that’s why I stay at home” — but he’s also a public person, the center of crowds. “You meet so many damned people,” he says. “And then you meet ‘em again.”
You meet so many damned people, and then you meet ‘em again. HAS THERE BEEN A MORE CRYSTALLIZED TRUTH?!
It’s weird that Brad Pitt has such a hard time remembering faces since he comes from a design/aesthetic point of view. CAN’T YOU GUYS SEE THAT HE IS NOT WELL?! He’s sick! Seriously, though, who are these people getting so mad at Brad Pitt?
“Ugh, how will we ever get people to buy this stupid cheesy food disc?” The most important businessmen at Dominos Pizza sat around a pizza-shaped table (round shape) and cursed their fate. They had been left this failing business (Dominos) after their dad (Mr. Dominos) gave up the company and moved to a beach somewhere, never having figured out how to properly market his invention (pizza). “Why did we tell dad we would take over the family business?” one of the businessmen asked the other, “That was so stupid of us! I don’t want to deal with this stupid invention that nobody wants!” “Because that’s what family does,” answered the more family-oriented businessman, “We stick together and we help each other. Plus, I believe in pizza. I think it can work, we just need to figure out how to market it.” He was like Peter Krause on Parenthood, if you can picture that. So the businessmen thought and thought and thought. “What if we can link the pizza to something else people like? Something round shaped?” one of them suggested. “Oh, like this table” answered the worst businessman. “Kind of, but, no, like…what about a record?” The problem with that suggestion, they figured out soon, was that few people listened to records anymore and they didn’t want to associate themselves with the small market that did. (Fair.) “Well…what about DVDs?” “What?” What about DVDs? What was this guy talking about? “You know, DVDs. And we can make it smell like pizza after the people watch it? And also look like pizza.” Ooohhhhhh. “THAT IS A VERY GOOD IDEA,” the rest of the businessmen shouted at once. And that is why we all eat pizza today. The End.
The website Starcrush, whatever that is, has an exhaustive compendium of side-by-side photographs of 1990s teen heartthrobs in their “prime,” and what they look like today. Interestingly enough, all of the pictures are shot on the set of TV shows, or at red carpet premieres. Like, there isn’t a picture of Rider Strong on the set of Boy Meets World next to a picture of Rider Strong behind his desk at the local Coldwell Banker. These types of celebrity age-tracking things are always kind of weird, because it’s very difficult to decide what, exactly, is the point: are you supposed to feel bad for them because they are mildly less famous adults now? But who would want to be a child celebrity, that seems like the absolute worst? Would you hit it? If anything, this particular collection just goes to show you that while your life will continue to develop and change in ways you might not expect or prepare for, ultimately you should just keep at it, because you’ll probably be just fine. Look at JTT up there. Looking good, my man! Shoot for the moon and you might just land on a fake wine bar set. #YOLO
