Well, the search for Falcon Heene continues, but there is little that we can do about it from our offices and monster caves. So we must move forward. I know that it is hard to celebrate anything when something nuts and sad and terrifying is going on, but we do have something important to celebrate: we have a winner in our Kate Gosselin Halloween Costume Fan Fiction Contest! I have to tell you, I was really surprised at how many people entered and at the quality of the entries, and if I had things my way, there would be no Internet and the faucets would run with Mountain Dew Code Black! But also, once that was taken care of, if I had things my way there would be free Kate Gosselin wigs for everyone! You are all winners! Sort of! Only one of you is really a winner in the sense that he or she won and is going to get a prize, which is a reward reserved for genuine winners. But you’re all winners in my mind. My worthless, wig-free mind.
Tomorrow, I am going to post all of the entries so that we can enjoy the many Fabulous Alternative Adventures of Kate Gosselin together. But for today there can be only one. And it is after the jump.
Untitled Submission, by Dafs
Nala looked up towards the sun. Had it moved closer?
The heat itself was nothing new. At this time every year, the lionesses tried to spend as much time as possible by the waterhole. But ever since Simba and the king were killed by that stampede, the water seemed to have disappeared, taking the grasses and the grazers with it.
Food had become increasingly scarce, and the shortage had been magnified by Scar’s mandate that they also hunt for his beloved hyenas. They couldn’t be counted on to contribute. Much like their leader, they would spend most of the daylight asleep.
Like most of the pride, she had done her hunting early, and as expected, come up with nothing but scraps. So when she looked off into the distance and saw an unfamiliar shape coming towards her, she immediately discounted it to her own hunger. But when the other lionesses began whispering to each other, she realized that this strange two-legged creature was real.
At first glance, the creature was tall, but this was likely due only to it walking upright. It did not bear any immediate resemblance to any creature they had ever seen before. Though its hands and expressions were similar to those of Rafiki, the creature possessed no tail, instead having a layer of tan and purple fur covering most of its pale pink body. Most puzzling was the ornate head crest: a layer of gold that lay flat in front, but spiked and spread outward at the back of its head like a bird’s. But this was no bird.
Nala took a deep breath and stepped forward. “What are you?”
The creature smiled. “I’m Kate Gosselin. I have a show on TLC.”
Nala looked back at the other lionesses, but was met with only confused looks. She tried again. “What kind of animal are you?”
“I’m a single mother,” was Kate’s reply, as she brushed some dust off of her jacket. For some reason, she had expected Africa to be less dirty.
Deciding that the current line of questioning was going nowhere, Nala decided to take the conversation in a different direction. “What happened to your mate?” She backed off as the woman made an unnatural sound and ran her hands through the crest.
“Ugh, don’t get me started,” Kate groaned. “We have eight kids together, get this television show that becomes one of the biggest things on television, and then I turn around and he’s hooked up with a girl half his age and started wearing Ed Hardy shirts. So now we’re screaming at each other on national television, and while its pretty obviously all his fault, there’s a lot of people out there blaming me. Life is just tough sometimes, you know what I mean?”
Nala looked around at the once verdant Pridelands, now laid desolate by famine and pestilence, and nodded.
Kate continued, “Just last week I was doing this comedy sketch for Jay Leno, and once it was all over, I thought that maybe I needed to take some time away from it all. Visit some place far away from the gossip photographers, where people don’t know who I am. Or maybe get away from people altogether. So now that you’ve heard my story, I’d like to join up with you girls and be a part of your pride!”
The other lionesses circled Nala and began speaking to each other in hushed tones. Occasionally, one would look in her direction, but the look betrayed no hint of how the conversation was going. Presumably they were discussing how to handle her fame. After what seemed like twenty minutes, Nala stepped out of the circle.
“We have decided to eat you.”
And so Kate Gosselin was taken down and quickly divided up into equal portions. The meal was less than adequate, as Kate was not a large creature, and the lionesses quickly found her multicolored adornments to be completely inedible. The meat itself was stringy, but helped stave off hunger pains for the rest of the day. The only part they refused to touch was the golden head crest, which one of the hyenas found the next day and gave to her cubs as a toy. The cub played with it until one of his younger siblings urinated on it, leaving a smell that could not be washed out.
[Ed. note: CONGRATULATIONS, DAFS! Please send your mailing address to firstname.lastname@example.org.]