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There are two movies coming out this fall that have terribly dumb plot conceits. One is a horror movie featuring Katrina Bowden (Cerie on 30 Rock) called The Shortcut, and the other is an action-thriller starring Lawrence Fishbourne (“do you want to take the red pill down the rabbit hole, or do you want your money back?” — The Matrix) called Armored. In The Shortcut, teenagers in a small town keep disappearing ON A SHORTCUT HOME FROM SCHOOL. Armored has a slightly more sophisticated plot involving loyalty and morality and greed, but nevertheless, this movie, too, was built on the simple conceit of “hey, I just drove by an armored truck, and it got me thinking: there’s gotta be something we can do with armored trucks.”
OOOOOOH, THIS IS A TOUGH ONE!
Both trailers after the jump.
The Shortcut
Armored
On the one hand, a really easy way to stop teenagers from dying on a shortcut from school (to where? Is it really a shortcut if it takes you past abandoned farmhouses where no one can hear you scream?) is to go arrest the murderer who lives on the shortcut and also to TAKE THE LONG WAY HOME. On the other hand, armored trucks are just a type of truck.
I JUST DON’T KNOW WHICH OF THESE STUPID CONCEITS IS MORE STUPID!
Vote in the comments! One vote per comment! RESULTS ARE SCIENTIFIC.
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1 vote for poop, please.
Laurence, Morgan Freeman did it better. He had rain…hard rain.
both of those trailers could us bookending comments from Beavis and Butthead. shit…i don’t like living with knowledge of this new paradigm.
I’m going with “the shortcut” because its production company is called Scary Madison, ripping off of Adam Sandler’s Happy Madison. Hollywood just went full retard.
No, it’s a spinoff of Happy Madison, owned by Adam Sandler as well, thus making the “I started my own production company to make family movies my kids could actually watch instead of the toilet humor that made me famous, and that is why none of my production company’s allegedly comedic films are actually funny anymore,” conceit the most ridiculous conceit of all.
the only point of a new adam sandler movie is so an ugly washed up man can touch a nice boob.
Armored has the kid from Stomp the Yard so any movie with the possibility of a battle dance wins my vote.
At least the blonde has a nice rack
Yeah, but Fishbourne has a great ass.
TIE.
who cares if she aint naked!
I’ll admit, Armored took a strong leap towards BANANAStown when they were like “We left this extreme hostage situation for a long enough period to grab your high-school age brother,” but for me, its neutralized by seeing Fred Ward working. Hell yeah, Fred Ward.
Besides, the logic behind Shortcut is far worse. So there’s a shortcut. And people die on the shortcut, presumably because of the guy who lives on the shortcut. So lets go into the killer’s house, find his victims, and now he wants to kill us? Well that came out of left field!
And if it’s a shortcut, wouldn’t their chances of escape be that much greater?
Um, Scary Madison? Adam Sandler is an EP for The Shortcut. Comedic horror? I would say he is branching out, but everything he does these days is comedic horror.
“YOU LIKE BLOOD BOY?”
Classic creepy killer that lives in the woods.
It sounds like the killer is “b-word” fat.
i bbbbought bhe bbbbracelet…
A blatant rip off from the movie Milk when Harvey Milk is taking a shortcut through Compton:
“YOU LIKE BOYS BLOOD?”
Brother please.
Armored at least has a kinda interesting concept.Even if it is cliched.
It`s still going to be a terrible terrible movie,don`t get me wrong.
1 vote for Katrina Bowden’s Rural Juror.
Why is Jason Statham not in Armored? In general why do they make movies without him in the cast?
But really the
-iest thing about these two trailers is that I can`t stop thinking of all the clever,original,innovative films that were turned down to make room for these monstrosities(high grossing monstrosities,but monstrosities all the same)
-Love,
Professer
Both these movies should be rated R for retarded.
Armored, because a friend of a relative is currently awaiting trial for stealing money off the armored truck he worked on. Shit just got real.
i’ve had good luck avoiding being killed by creepy old men by avoiding the houses where they live and not going out of my way to sneak into their house to look around for evidence that they are murderers. it’s worked so far, so i’m sticking with it.
those teenagers are clearly too stupid to live. if this is the only way we can thin the human herd, i suppose it’ll do, but it doesn’t seem very efficient.
there are way more than two movies coming out this fall with dumb plot conceits.
a simple plot tweak “Hot Tub Time Armored-Truck” would save The Oscars a lot of time on deciding their Movie to Represent Mankind award.
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No joke, “The Shortcut” is, almost verbatim, the very first film I ever made when I was a kid, inspired by “The Blair Witch Project” which came out that year (giving away my age now).
So is it stupid for me? Moreso enraging that my sixth-grade ideas can turn into theatrical releases.
Hello, lawsuit!
I can’t wait to see which one of these movies my dad will buy for $9 at blockbuster and then try to give me first. That’s probably the most scientific way to decide this.
I don’t like this game!
I think that at this point if you hear an old phonograph start playing while investigating the home of a possible serial murderer, you should know that it’s probably time to get out of there.
I would like to participate, but I fell asleep during the Armored trailer. I honestly have no idea what it’s about. Armored trucks, I guess.
The “Get out of the truck or I’ll kill your brother” line did it for me. To pretend that there’s a whole fraternity of ultra-elite armored truck drivers – as if this is a real thing that people deeply aspire to – seems way more stupid than a seemingly revamped Little Red Riding Hood scare story.
Also – “The Shortcut” seems like it could be so bad it could be fun to watch, while “Armored” just looks painful.
“This fall… curiosity… could kill… your cat.” I didn’t watch the other trailer. I’ll vote present. Bye.
Memery
I’m glad they changed the scream sound effect for the end. Hearing the same one five times would have been too much, but four is completely acceptable.
In an armoured truck, no one can hear you scream.
No, yeah, I’ll go with The Shortcut. Only because I just KNOW it’s going to turn out that the Shortcut is actually a Japanese curse that turns out to already be dead, except that every 500 years, it needs to feed on human flesh, and so it pretends to be an 80-year-old woman pretending to be a little girl who got killed by a babysitter 40 years ago in an orphanage fire.
Okay, I think I’m done. Maybe I’ll move this into the Best New Party Game section. I’m just saying. There’s always a twist at the end (of The Shortcut, ugh) that NO ONE saw coming (that we all saw in every other movie) and so there’s really no need for any more of these movies to be made. And I don’t care HOW many up-and-coming tweenagers star in it.
Glad to see both Jean Reno and Cerie getting work. Though is Jean Reno having trouble? (Pink Panter 1 & 2 did both suck) Regardless> I will not be supporting either film with my monies. (That being said ‘The Short Cut’ is way more dumb)
I don’t understand…why isn’t Perter Petrelli healing himself and flying out of that abandoned armored truck warehouse? Heroes has gotten too confusing.
booo double comment. Twice as nice? Sorry.
I don’t understand…why isn’t Peter Petrelli healing himself and flying out of that abandoned armored truck warehouse? Heroes has gotten too confusing.
I vote Shortcut because… do I really have to explain?
wait, so you dont like the matrix?
Oh come on everyone. Armored is infinitely more ridiculous. Notice how the trailer assumes that armored car drivers are universally known as badasses,like driving an armored car is equivalent to being in a SWAT team or the mafia or a gourmet kitchen. But in reality they’re just drivers. Fundamentally they have pretty shitty jobs. The concept is about makes about as much sense as “Lawrence Fishburne is a teller in a bank which holds more than A MILLION dollars.” It’s like hollywood ran out of groups of cool people doing a really hard job, and now they have to just bullshit us by pretending that boring tasks are glamorous.
Armored the Trailer: In Which All Plot Points Are Given In Excruciating Details So That You Can Avoid Watching It In Theaters And Netflix It Instead