First thing in the morning, Jon Gosselin cracked open a Diet Red Bull and ironed his favorite Ed Hardy shirt. It had a tiger made out of barbed wire fucking a dolphin in the mouth in the center of a fireball shaped like a yin-yang symbol. It was his formal shirt, for special occasions, and when it was pressed, he sprayed it down with Axe “Kilo” and he put it on with his formal cargo shorts, and his formal wrap-around Oakleys. Guests were coming! Jon Gosselin opened his closet and stood for a moment, debating between the pair of black Tevas and the pair of army green Tevas. Eventually he picked the black Tevas, and he put them on. He examined himself in the mirror, and he decided that he looked great. Jon Gosselin had never been very good at decision-making.
He got a quick blowjob from whoever his girlfriend is now, who even knows. The phone rang.
“Hey, Jon, it is your best friend, Michael Vick,” said Michael Vick.
“Awesome, dude.” Jon Gosselin said. “You’re the best!”
“I used to breed dogs in my basement and make them fight to the death. What time are people coming over?”
“I’m firing up the grill at 3PM, bro! Come over anytime!”
“Sounds great,” Michael Vick said. “Maybe I’ll carpool with Glenn Beck.”
Jon Gosselin took the cordless phone with him as he headed out onto the deck. He had just bought it recently. He’d taken it up to the counter and he could tell that the kid working there was pretty impressed to see someone buying a cordless phone. “Yeah,” Jon Gosselin said, “I’m pretty famous. So.” The kid was basically so nervous to meet such a celebrity that all he did was ring up the cordless phone. Speechless. Jon Gosselin paid for it in cash. 47 dollars, bitch!
“Sick,” Jon Gosselin said to Michael Vick. “You should also put McG on blast. I know he’s coming.”
Michael Vick said they he would, and hung up.
Jon Gosselin rode his riding lawnmower around the lawn. He did donuts in that thing. He smoked a cigarette and when some paparazzi peeked their heads over the fence he gave them the finger. Cool!
Over the course of the afternoon, all of Jon Gosselins best friends, the people with whom he had the most in common, the people with whom he just really loved to hang out, showed up. There was Christian Audigier and Michael Lohan (of course!), and Michael Vick showed up with Glenn Beck AND Rush Limbaugh (fuck yeah!), but other friends were also there: Perez Hilton and Dick Cheney and Katherine Heigl and Darth Vader and Freddy Krueger were there (Freddy Krueger was wearing the same Ed Hardy shirt, actually). Simon and Alex from the Real Housewives of New York showed up, as did Garry Glitter, Shaggy 2 Dope, Jigsaw, Reverend Fred Phelps, Dane Cook, Seth MacFarlane, John Leguizamo’s Demon Clown from the movie Spawn, and the Event Horizon (ship). Also: Donald Rumsfeld, Tucker Max, Bill O’Reilly, Taylor Momsen, the ghost of Joseph Goebbels (BFFs!), Esther, and 9/11 were all there. (Lord Voldemort couldn’t make it.)
And then Jon Gosselin cooked his children, and he served them to everyone.