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OK, so two weeks ago Sookie got scratched by Pan’s Labyrinth and Bill took her to Fangtasia, which I guess is also basically a Vampire Hospital. She got healed by Eric’s blood, because Eric’s blood is the best blood, or whatever, and this made Bill a little upset because vampires bodies may be dead but their pride is not? In return for letting Sookie drink his blood, Eric asks that she go to Dallas to look for a missing vampire, and Sookie asks for 10,000 dollars. And to have Bill come with her. And to have Lafayette released from the Saw basement. Power moves. Meanwhile, Marianne throws another party, this time at her house, and everyone starts stone-cold fucking and Tara is like “this is weird, I’m going to bed.” Please go to bed, Tara. Everyone at the party’s eyes turn black and also there is a mysterious pig that disappears and Andy Bellefleur is drunk and I am honestly sort of tired of this Marianne mystery, like, just tell us what is going on with her already. Meanwhile, Jason Stackhouse something something church. And Sam turns into a dog and jumps into a lake. Then a waitress comes and jumps in the lake, too, but she also has Pan’s Labyrinth scratches on her back. Oh no!
OK, but so, this week:
All of the guys in the anti-vampire church dormitory put ketchup on their necks and/or sleeveless t-shirts to pretend like there has been a terrible vampire attack. Just a classic vampire prank. Then Jason’s church rival tackles him and pretends to be a vampire who is going to bite him. Then they all laugh at Jason for being scared. Gotcha! Jason gets a split lip. His rival is like “how’s that lip,” and Jason is like “fine, how’s your nose,” and his rival is like, “Huh” and then PUNCH IN THE FACE. Then Jason Stackhouse gives a speech about how vampires are not a joke and how there is a war going on and you are either on the side of the dark or on the side of the light, and clearly PRANKS INVOLVING KETCHUP ARE ON THE SIDE OF THE DARK.
The leaders of the church are loving Jason Stackhouse, though. They have him over for barbecues and they take him out into the forest to shoot vampire targets from a moving golf cart (the way the war against the vampires will inevitably be fought, as the prophecy teaches us) and also they invite him to be a Soldier of the Sun. At first Jason is excited and flattered (who wouldn’t be? Sounds cool!) but when he tells the other guys about it they laugh at him and say that it’s just because the preacher’s wife is attracted to Jason. Sexually! Actually one of the guys says “she wants your hot beef injection, dude,” because it’s 2009 and that’s a thing people say. Anyway, so the preacher’s wife wants Jason’s hot beef injection and now he doesn’t know what to think.
Meanwhile, Sookie wants to help usher Baby Jessica Vampire into the realm of sexual maturity for some reason. And she also wants Tara to move in with her. She gives her a photo for her birthday of the two of them as children with Sookie’s grandmother. Just the kind of thing everyone most wants for their 26th birthday. Yay! And then Sookie goes to Dallas on a private airplane (Anubis Air, get it?) Sookie is all over the place this week. There is a limousine driver waiting for her at the airport but it turns out he is evil and wants to abduct her. Vampire Bill escapes from his Travel Coffin (TRAVEL COFFINS!) and saves her, and now they know that the Texas vampire was abducted by the anti-vampire church. I guess. Also this is the worst:
Professor Duh over here. This is also terrible:
Vampires on the DL! OUCH, MY HEAD! IT HAS BEEN BEATEN OVER!
Eric comes to their vampire hotel (oh, also, there are vampire hotels) and explains that the abducted vampire is the most powerful vampire, and that no vampires are safe now, and also that if he isn’t found soon, then the Texas vampires will wage open war against humans. WHAT? This show. Really going for it. I wish they would wage open war against the humans. Start at the HBO offices and tear them apart.
Lafayette and Vampire Eric are friends now. Lafayette is BACK!
Marianne is not happy that Tara is moving in with Sookie. Now who will eat all of the yogurt parfaits?
But luckily for Marianne, everyone yells at Tara on her birthday and she starts to cry, which allows Marianne and Tara’s Boyfriend to swoop in with a wedding cake and a party. They are like the Scientologists, or any other cult, really! So there is a big party for Tara with gifts and everything, even though Tara doesn’t know who any of the guests are or why they are bringing her gifts. She just wants to dance. And Marianne goes out in the woods and starts shimmering and speaking Da Vinci Code and everyone starts fucking again, as they are wont to do, but also this time eating dirt and having cake attacks with their faces. WHERE DOES CAKE GO? THAT’S RIGHT, ALL OVER MY FACE! Tara and her boyfriend go upstairs and do it. And Sam starts to do it with the waitress, who says that she knows what Sam is. And Marianne has the Pan’s Labyrinth claws! She has been doing all of the scratching! What does this mean?! Do the scratched people become zombies? Marianne is the one who killed the voodoo lady! She also threw Tara’s birthday present from her mother into the bushes! If she is an ancient mythical creature of incredible power, you’d think she would put the gift into the garbage can or the fireplace or make it disappear with magic. No. The bushes is best.
Meanwhile, back at the Vampire Hotel, ANOTHER MIND READER! And he’s a dork!
Woof. This show has actually gotten so ridiculous and terrible that it has almost slingshot itself around the awful moon, Tom Hanks’s Apollo 13-style, and become good. ALMOST.
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Gabe, you rock.
Also, I think Werewolf Bar Mitzvah was the finest 20 seconds of American television this decade has seen.
Wow!!! How can anyone watch this shit? I admire anyone’s fortitude that can make it through an episode much less every ep. and the write about it. Yikes! I wanted to pull my ears off as soon as I heard that terrible accent from Miss Paquin. blech! I am offended as a southerner but it’s a drop in the bucket so who cares. I guess if it does make it’s way back around the moon and reaches Nic Cage in Wicker Man horribleness I’ll be ready to join up.
What I find really FUCKING ABSURD about this show is HOW MANY PEOPLE legitimately like it. They are all OH MAN THESE SEX SCENES ARE HOT and PLEASE RUB MORE VAMPIRES INTO MY SKIN. I mean,
WHAT
THE
FUCK
AMERICA?
Why is this SOMETHING MILLIONS OF PEOPLE WATCH AND GET DOWN WITH when the plot is so absurd (like how they’re throwing EVERY MYTHICAL CREATURE INTO THE BAG. I don’t want to get all DOCTOR WHO over here but MINOTAURS DON’T SHAPESHIFT, BITCHES. THEY JUST DO NOT. THEY STAY IN LABYRINTHS. AND NOT THE BOWIE KIND.) and all the actors are a massive pain to watch. UGH. It’s so absurd, I’m not even sure ANYONE can watch it FOR BEING BAD. Like it’s moved PAST THAT POINT.
Gabe, I am so, so, so, sorry you watch this, BUT I REALLY APPRECIATE your hilarious insight.
tl;orlc (too long; only read lower case.) (-5, Too Meta and Offtopic)
UM wuet? ALRIGHT! GOOD JOB INTERNET POLICE? What the hell are you talking about? First, how THE HELL am I off topic when I’m talking ABOUT HOW MUCH this show BLOWS VAMPIRE SHITBACKANDFORTHFOREVER on a post about THE SAME SHITACULAR SHOW. You confuse me with your logic, you MUST BE IN COLLEGE.
Second: what THE FUCK is meta? META? I can’t EVEN BELIEVE that’s SOMETHING that’s real!
hey now, it’s okay to be annoying all of the time sometimes.
I saw X-Men the other day and was stunned at how Anna Paquin managed an even worse Southern accent than the one she has on True Blood. Although she seemed to realize it because she dropped it about halfway through.
Just to remind everyone, this woman won an Oscar.
well, she won it when she was, like, 10.
whatever magical, spontaneous honesty she brought to her acting at that age has clearly disappeared because she’s making my eyes really angry with how bad she is now.
Dear Anna Paquin,
The film version of Midnight in the Garden of Good and Evil would like its accent back.
Sincerely,
Warner Bros. Pictures
This show sounds so bad that I really, really want to watch it. Just the acting in the clips makes me laugh. I’m gonna need to get cable.
I know, based on the caliber of acting in the clips, I feel like hardcore sex could break out at any moment.
It kind of does.
Ensign Ro is the three clawed monster. Who was surprised by this. WHO?!?!?!
The end of this episode scared the fuck out of me, mostly because I was terrified the cake smushing and dirt eating and frantic fucking were going to merge together and SOMEHOW cake farts were going to happen. This is what the internet has done to me.
cakefarts could only make this show better.
Gabe, I’m happy to see that your opinion on the show is starting to…turn – in a good way of course – I agree that nearly all of it is outlandish, but it’s so strangely in its own weird universe that you can’t help but enjoy the oddity of it all – keep up the recaps – as I’m sure you will as long as HBO can milk this show – everything about it is so strangely addicting and that’s far better than TV that has no intrigue to it in the least.
Wily Coyote style
You forgot Lafayette’s next level ottoman humping when his leg was fixed. Also, I guess when you’re a vampire your southern accent is free to come and go as it pleases.
“Vegas, Baby! Vegas!”…hump, hump, hump! The only thing that could have made that scene better, is if it was set to the Zelda theme song.
THANK you!
“She gives her a photo for her birthday of the two of them as children with Sookie’s grandmother.”
You forgot the fact that it didn’t look so much like a photo as a caricature drawing they got from an old Chinese man in Times Square. Props department? You’ll fired. (Donald Trump point) God, I’m relevant.
you mean THIS photo:
soooo much wtfery here.
That would be the one. It looks like 2 little girls with a creepy old cartoon lady. And whoops, I meant to say you’re fired (I was just fired).
this is less scary
“Hey Tara, remember that time we were extras on that Megan Fox movie? She taught you everything you know about acting.”
True Blood = Passions
i just cannot believe the amount of just unnecessary sexual exploits that this show brings to the table… every episode has at least 2 ridiculously overdone sex scenes, and this will continue to happen especially when every side story revolves around sex: jason and the pastors wife, tara and eggs (what a horrible name btw), and sam and daphne… this show will continue to add new characters so there are fresh faces to fuck… and now the witch gives people cake facials
I would just like to know when it became a requirement of Vampire stories to have werewolves as the opposing “other” mythical species, and why are they always in competition with one another? When did this become a thing? Did Bram Stoker have a secret draft laying around of “Dracula 2: 2 Were 2 Wolf” that Hollywood managed to get a hold of but didn’t tell anyone about?
You’re right, of course. I’ve always thought unicorns would be the natural enemy of vampires.
What exactly is behind the current explosion of mass-culture interest in vampires? Usually mythical creatures have been used as way to analogize features of everyday life, so the original bloodsucking vampires were basically fantasy versions of feudal landlords in Europe. It seem to me that zombies are a better fit for modernity because they are analogous to mindless consumer culture. Which means this vampire craze is either related to people liking multiple permutations of love/sex smut or it’s inexplicable. Blah.
i agree. zombies are always better than vampires.
Wall street, insurance companies, large extractive institutions = vampires
Don’t forget homosexuals.
But because they used to be based on aristocracy, they’ve retained this “dangerous sex appeal” that zombies lack in spades. There will never be a dashing, gloomy, Mr. Darcy zombie, and that’s why they’re stuck with comedy/gross-out.
Between this show and Entourage I shouldn’t be watching anything on HBO other than Real Time with Bill Maher, but for some reason, like watching a trainwreck in slow motion, if I catch either of these two shitfests in progress I get sucked in to the black hole of thinly veiled plot devices and 2 dimensional character-esque zombies. I mean, goddamn, what is it about HBO that gives it the power to keep your attention despite your seething hatred for these two really bad, meandering, and poorly written shows?
1. The explanation for why Marianne needs to get everyone all sexed up before she can get her scratch on will definitely make perfect sense.
2. Marianne doing her shake face is the worst effects work on television.
3. THEY ARE JUST USING JASON TO GET TO SOOKIE! OH NO!
So glad “hot beef injection” is coming back.
*Spoiler alert*
In the books, Maryann is a maenad. The orgy thing makes a mite more sense then. No, not really.
Yeah, shut urp. I’ve read the books. So what! They are soooooooooo much just as bad as the show.
Isn’t it great when people tell you what you forgot? I love this review and I love this show, because I can hold two opposing thoughts simultaneously.
Everyone here sure knows alot about this show for hating it and thinking it is the wort show ever…
Gabe may not want to read the following NY Times article on how True Blood is helping a slumping HBO. http://www.nytimes.com/2009/07/13/business/media/13hbo.html
Yeah, but does it count when people are just hate-watching it?
It’s getting better, I swear! This season is much more interesting than the last.
Well, I’ve never seen a blood-drinking scene that looks like oral sex before, so mazel tov on that, True Blood.
There will never be a dashing, gloomy, Mr. Darcy zombie
Correction: there has never been a dashing, gloomy, Mr. Darcy zombie… until now.
I’m thinking a “reimagining” of Pride and Prejudice except just set now and Mr. Darcy is a reanimated corpse. Cast Zac Efron and Megan Fox or something in the leads and we’ve got a blockbuster. He came for her brains, but she left with his heart.
I can be at Sony Studios in about 15 min, which is I think the standard time to write a Hollywood movie now. I’ll send you a check for 5% and a magnet shaped like a Walk of Fame star with your name on it.
pride and prejudice with zombies = delivered – http://www.amazon.com/Pride-Prejudice-Zombies-Classic-Ultraviolent/dp/1594743347
You mean people who have watched the entirety of Lost have JUDGMENTS about shows? Quiet down, everyone! Someone with no discernible entertainment barriers is mildly irritated about something. Go on, little fella. Tell us what’s on your mind.
I actually thought that this episode was really self-aware and hilarious! Keep up the funny stuff! The whole preacher’s wife sexy dancing with BBQ? Great. And I think the “hot beef injection” joke was PERFECT because that is EXACTLY what a random guy on a church retreat would say. Whoever wrote this episode knows what True Blood should be: silly.
Sookie did not get healed by Eric’s blood. Eric offered but Bill would not let him…
Sookie did not get healed by Eric’s blood. Eric offered but Bill would not let him… The reason Sookie is heading to Dallas for Eric is because he got Dr.Ludwig to heal her and for releasing Lafeyette
Gabe, stop reviewing this show. It’s amazing and you just aren’t. I loved this episode, it was hilarious and really captured the tone of the books. I really hope Barry becomes more of a character on the show then he was in the novels.
“This show has actually gotten so ridiculous and terrible that it has almost slingshot itself around the awful moon, Tom Hanks’s Apollo 13-style, and become good. ALMOST.” That’s a pretty awful thing to say about the best show on TV right now.
I hope you are kidding. This episode didn’t come any closer to capturing the tone of the books than any of the previous episodes and if this is truly your idea of the best show on TV, you need to change the channel.
Glad you’re coming around Gabe. Plus, the first 5 seconds of Lafayette’s dancing was the highlight of the season.
Shows/Movies you motherfuckers probably like:
*The English Patient
*Everybody Loves Raymond
*Dr. Fucking Fat Phil
*Opraogre
*Shakespeare in Love
Violence against women in the Western so-called free societies.
Well, the real violence against women is the western culture where they are just using women as a social toy and in their society a woman is just like an advertisement symbol for the products to sell, and no social values, no dignity, no honor for the women, and in the name of freedom they are just putting the man-kind on a path of unconsciousness and spiritual destruction, like animals where there is no differentiation between relationships and then pills for sleeping and so on and on and on. home mortgage That’s really is the wrong concept of the word “Freedom”, but anyways the people on the wrong path are to be humiliated in this world and the world hereafter. Creator of this universe is definitely going to make justice with every one for his/her deeds that have been done by him/her.