Ashton Kutcher’s Spread trailer, you guys:
Whoa. After seeing the Spread poster I thought that the movie looked awful, but it turns out I had no idea. What an awful, AWFUL looking movie. Yuck. And, the official description of the movie is a fucking liar:
SPREAD is a fresh [Ed. note: fresh!], funny [Ed. note: sure!], and racy look at the trials and tribulations of sleeping your way to a life of privilege in Los Angeles. Comic and karmic, the film is an “immorality tale” about a gorgeous guy who gives women what they want in order to live exactly as he likes. In SPREAD, Nikki (Ashton Kutcher) isn’t a gigolo. He’s a sexual grifter, a fun-loving, freeloading hipster who understands his greatest assets are his looks and sexual prowess, which he uses to charm his way into the hearts of the city’s richest women and enjoy their lifestyle. Nikki gets a free place to live, fantastic gifts, A- list access, and plenty of sex.
Um, nice try. I’m not Professor of Hooker Studies over here, but I’m pretty sure that if you have sex with people to get a house and gifts, you are a hooker. I’m also pretty sure that “sexual grifter” is a synonym for “type of hooker.” Excuse me, prostitution whore. And it only gets worse from there:
The women get to feel young, beautiful… and utterly fulfilled in the bedroom. It’s a mutually beneficial set-up. Nikki’s latest conquest is Samantha (Anne Heche), a stunning middle- aged lawyer who gives him more than he’s ever had before. But then he meets a gorgeous waitress his own age named Heather (Margarita Levieva). She comes to visit Nikki at Samantha’s house while Samantha is out of town, sees what an incredible place it is… and comes to the mistaken conclusion it’s his. Unbeknownst to Nikki, Heather lives by playing the same game. When Samantha comes home, she discovers Nikki’s infidelity and he’s put out on the street. With nowhere else to turn, Nikki pulls out all the stops to win Heather over and they begin to form their own kind of bond. Sexually charged by a game of one-upsmanship, each shows the other their best grifts, and they unexpectedly begin falling in love – the one thing they can’t do in the life they lead. Soon, the truth of their unfolding relationship forces a choice between love and money, and Nikki has to decide whether he can live on his own once and for all in the hopes of finding something real.
Woof. He finally met his match! It’s like Ballistick Ecks Vs. Sever: But With Hookers. I really hope he decides that he can’t live on his own once and for all in the hopes of finding something real and he goes back to Anne Heche’s house, and they make a suicide pact, and then they make Spread 2 Funerals The Streets. Seriously, the worst.
But also, between this and Hung, it’s like, what is up with all these male hookers all over the place? Is this some metaphor for the economic crisis that I don’t understand? “Our penis greed has outpaced our penis means, leaving us with an unbearable penis debt that we’ll never be able to repenispay.” Enough! Turn it around, Obama!