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NYC Prep is supposed to be real life Gossip Girl. Well, it’s not. The thing about selfish, self-involved, back-stabbing, over-indulged high school students who live to fuck and spend their parents money is that without a bunch of completely unrealistic melodramatic plotlines involving murder, multi-billion dollar corporations, Thai hoookers, and negligent father lead singers of forgotten rock bands of the 1990s, they are boring! Within the first five minutes of this show, you already get it. These children are confused monsters destined for a life of pampered disappointment and lavish self-loathing. Their parents have failed them for their entire lives, culminating in this one epic moment of parental FAIL: signing whatever legal waivers were required to allow their children to flaunt their awfulness on a national TV program. They’re all yours, Warden.
But here we are. And The Real Housewives of Atlanta season 2 doesn’t start until July 30th, and Lost doesn’t return until 2010, and what are we going to watch, fucking Wipe Out? No, we are not going to watch fucking Wipe Out.
Obviously, this show is about children, which makes it particularly painful to watch, if you watch TV the way that I do, with lots of yelling and throwing and insulting. After all, as horrible as the people on this show are, and they are very very horrible, they’re tiny people who don’t know anything. They think they know stuff, because they’ve had three years of expensive high school, or whatever, but they don’t know anything, because they are little babies. And it doesn’t feel good to just shit all over little babies. That’s what she said. But whatever, these kids want this. So while still trying to maintain our dignity and self-respect as conscientious adults, let’s give it to them.
But so, OK, first of all, let’s just get this out of the way:
Whoops, that clip got cut off too early. Here’s the part that’s missing.
I’m not saying that I want a 17-year-old girl to get hit by a car. That’s terrible. I’m not a monster. I’m just saying that a 17-year-old should be careful walking into the street because some people who watch this show might not be as understanding as I am.
Anyway, this Jessie is a real character. When she’s not busy trying to hail a cab with all these Gossip Girl trailers in the way and eating at STK, she’s busy being a real asshole. She owns Mean Girls on Blu Ray. Daddy bought it for her. She loves to go to fashion parties and she wants to work in PR. Sure. What child of incredibly wealthy parents when faced with the entire spectrum of opportunities doesn’t want to go into PR?! What a waste. Meanwhile, she is obsessed with her ex-boyfriend slash best friend PC, who is an equally practiced blowhard. He’s kind of the Chuck Bass of this show, if Chuck Bass was gay but didn’t realize it yet (very possible!). He wears ascots and talks about the Hamptons and wears money-scented cologne. Later, he and Jessie get in a fight. Who cares!
I can’t tell you how long its been since the petty troubles of high schoolers stopped being of any interest to me. Oh wait, yes I can: one thousand years ago.
Everyone knows that PC is gay except for PC. Which I guess is how it often works? I don’t know, I went to public school so I don’t know anything. But listen to how many times this girl tries to gracefully explain what is going on with PC.
Yes, he is “very stylish,” and yes, it is Jessie’s problem.
I think that’s the girl who interviews at the beginning of the episode that she used to live in the Hamptons but then she decided to move back to the city. She decided? What kind of nonsense is that? Her and her brother live in some fancy Manhattan apartment while their parents live in the Hamptons. Stop the presses, I think we have our cover story for the July issue of Negligent Parent Magazine. Seriously, how are those parents not in jail? Why are none of these parents in jail? Even Nate Archibald’s dad is in jail, and that show is make believe. THIS BOAT IS REALLLL!
And then, of course, there is Sebastian, who thinks that girlfriends are for when you’re really old. Like 25.
He is also supposed to be the Chuck Bass of this show, if Chuck Bass looked like a lesbian (actually, Chuck Bass kind of looks like a lesbian). (SIDENOTE: Where is the Dan Humphrey of this show? But also thank you, producers, for not putting a Dan Humphrey on this show.) It’s particularly painful to watch Sebastian because one assumes that his parents are still alive. You guys did such a bad job! Or maybe they aren’t. Maybe he’s like a sexual Boxcar Child, turning anything into a hook up. This old Coke bottle can be a hook up. Look, I’ve used these cinder blocks and discarded wood planks to build a sex shelf. The guy is a monster. And he stole Morpheus’s chair.
“We’re gonna need UGHS. Lots of UGHS.”
Sebastian is mostly the worst, but so is everyone on this show. Wicked animals in a glass menagerie of their own design. It’s sad and discouraging and insipid. The opposite of xoxo. The opposite of you know you love it.
NOTE: we are having some video problems. But you can watch the whole episode here.
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I couldn’t get through the first five minutes of it, although I did enjoy when the friend I got through the first four minutes with said “Is Jessie’s cleft palette charity gonna help Jessie with hers?”
WHERE’S MY SANDWICH (Real Housewives reunion recap).
I liked when PC told Jessie that there were more important things going on in the world than people having cleft palettes and Jessie said “that’s not even true.” Jessie rests her case, your honor.
It’s not uncommon for me to hook up with anywhere between, say, 2 to 16 girls a month.
Joey Lawrence: “Whoa!”
Oh come on Gabe, Wipe Out is a great show. You just start with a bottle of something strong and drink everytime someone falls next thing you know you wake up with another message from your ex-girlfriend telling you to stop calling every Wednesday, that or next to a Thai hooker.
SHUT IT DOWN
FOREVER.
oh, it’s bizarre that there is a documentary out about people just like me when i was 16. well, i wasn’t hooking up or spending obscene amounts of money. but i was a little bitch. so…basically these are my best friends on this show.
I never thought I’d ever disagree with the statement, “it doesn’t feel good to just shit all over little babies,” but here I am. Damn you Gabe. These kids had it coming.
XOXO
Gossugh Girl.
Anybody else not able to watch the clips? I just have a blank white field where they are supposed to be.
I also have a blank white field, but somehow I just can’t bring myself to care in this case.
Problems with the lawnmower man. We’re looking into it…
(No one can see the Videogum clips, right?)
I’m taking this problem as a blessing. It’s not even wearing a disguise.
yeah i can’t see em
It makes me super sad. I can’t read an article that prepares me to hate some people and then not see the people. I mean, right? What?
You can go to Bravo and watch the full teaser episode, which I did because I have the sadness. Anywho, I wish nothing but the worst for these “children”.
I have Mean Girls on Blu Ray. Does that make me a Pumba look-alike with lazy eyes too close together?
Looks like a lesbian, smells like Perez Hilton.
This show makes me wanna vomit rich kid blood
This show has a lot of unnecessary subtitles. What happened to trusting your audience to have ears? Also, “if you were a veggie burger I would eat you.”
note to bravo: You are at least 10 years too late to this party. We want NYC Kids.
SPOILER ALERT!!!!
Sebatian spends all of Grandfather Alden’s money on wining and dining his latest conquests. He later contracts several STDs and despite Dr. Moore’s best efforts, succumbs to his illnesses.
Ok, not to be mean spirited or a jerk, but what is up with the eye placement on this show? Its all over the place. Too close, way far, my brain can’t handle the range! Also, I was drunk while watching it so it was a more pronounced problem.
I think it’s generations of old money inbreeding. Sorry.
A sexual Boxcar Child? I don’t even know what that means. But I like.
A sexual Boxcar Child? I don’t even know what that means. But I like.
Judging from the photo here: OMG, Paris has spawned a Wonky Eye trend?
You should watch ‘Wipeout.’ No joke.
Ugh. I refuse to watch Gossip Girl and I refuse to watch this show. I hated kids like this when I was a teenager why would I like them now? Also, Sebastian denies it but he’s your boyfriend.
Umm, popped collar?
I’m moving to New York just to rob these kids. This show is why I live in Chicago.
ur fuckin atupid u cnt even get ur damn facts rite so do evry1 a favor and shut the hell up