Vampire Eric ate that redneck. He screamed a lot and he ate him. For us, this is a gruesome scary murder, down in the Saw basement, but for Vampire Eric it is a snack, right? What’s with all the screaming? Just have your snack. He asks Lafayette if there is any blood in his hair. You mean food? You mean is there any food in your hair. There is food in his hair. Pam is going to kill him. But he’s already dead! That’s one of those classic Vampire jokes that they tell each other. “I’m going to kill you.” Lots Of Love. Vampire Eric takes Lafayette upstairs to find out what he knows. He wants to ask him about that gay vampire that Jason Stackhouse’s horrible girlfriend killed last season. He also wants to ask him about some vampire in Dallas, Texas. Lafayette does his best, but soon it is back to the Saw basement for you, Lafayette. He doesn’t want to go! Too bad! Vampires are such jerks!
Meanwhile, Jason Stackhouse is on his way to vampire bible camp. On the bus he meets Luke. They are going to bunk together and make s’mores and hate vampires and give each other handjobs and everything. It’s going to be the best summer of their livez. Except that Luke is almost instantaneously jealous of Jason because the camp leaders seem to have picked him as their favorite and Luke wants to be their favorite. They play full-contact Capture the Flag and Luke is like BAM and smashes six of Jason’s vertebrae on the ground. So Jason takes his shirt off and is like NO SHIRT POWER! And he wins the game and later he almost murders the lady wife of the anti-vampire church leader with a broken flagppole which is why she wants to fuck him, you can just tell, and Luke is like “Tomorrow I am going to rape you.”
Back in the Saw dungeon, Lafayette notices a gleaming hip replacement sticking out of the bloody severed leg of that redneck? He was like 28 years old, why did he have a hip replacement? I’m willing to accept vampires are real, but I am not willing to accept that a 28-year-old redneck from the Louisiana swamps has a hip replacement. In any case, Lafayette is going to get that hip replacement! He will stick his hands all up in them gutz to get it. He gets it! And he uses it to break free from his chainz. He stands up now that he is free and it is like, um, seriously True Blood? SERIOUSLY?
True Amistad! Lafayette almost escapes, but then a lady shoots him in the leg because Vampire Eric told her to keep a special eye on the “faggot drag queen in the basement.” He is caught again! Vampire Eric comes back from his trip to the mall and Lafayette asks him to turn him into a vampire. He explains that he would be a hot, badass vampire, because apparently Lafayette reads the True Blood superfan message boards. His dialog is an almost direct quote from user gandalf_69 who said “Plz turn Lafayette in2 a vampire that wud b so hottt.” Eric says he will take it under advisement, and then him and his vampire friends eat Lafayette. He’s totally going to be a vampire. No duh.
Also, I don’t know if I’ve ever noticed this before, but I (lots of) love that there is a photo booth in the vampire bar.
Smart. Those are fun for everyone.
Meanwhile, Marianne finally reveals her secret magic power: she can instantaneously start a dance party where before there was no dance party. She can also eat like she’s Takeru Kobayashi. Sam is like “I want you to stop throwing dance parties in my restaurant,” and she is like “Poof, you’re a dog.” You know, the Sam turning into a dog thing was already ridiculous last season, but it might have never been more ridiculous than it was last night when he was a dog in a man’s shirt, sitting in his office at his restaurant, getting a talking to from the magic shifter lady dance party magic and the Da Vinci Code thoughts.
Oh right, Jessica. She is a new vampire so she has problems with impulse control. Sookie is like “remind me how that’s different from being a teenage girl,” and I’m like “remind Sookie how she’s the worst.” Jessica is about to kill her whole family but Bill gets there just in time (“Sorry, I was at the mall!”). Kind of. Just in time for what? I don’t care! Kill all of them! This show can’t seriously think that I care whether or not Jessica eats her whole family’s faces off. Do it. Whatever! I’ll be over here, washing my eyes out with soap. This show.