Advertising Executive 1: Gene, baby, we’ve got to get the word out on the streets about the new season of your reality show, and we’ve got some ideas.
Gene Simmons: Hit me.
Advertising Executive 2: A urinal cake. With your face on it.
Gene Simmons: A urinal cake?
Advertising Executive 2: With your face on it.
Gene Simmons: This is your idea?
Advertising Executive 1: It’s brilliant, Gene, think about it. People will have to go to the bathroom, and when they look down, they will see your face. They will be peeing on your face.
Advertising Executive 2: Peeing right on your face, Mr. Simmons. There’s nowhere else for the pee to go!
Gene Simmons: I’m concerned that this might be embarrassing for me.
Advertising Executive 1: Oh, it will TOTALLY be embarrassing for you.
Advertising Executive 2: But we need to face the facts, Mr. Simmons. In your desperate attempts to somehow remain culturally relevant, you have subjected your family to a reality show on a third-tier basic cable channel. And not even BRAVO or VH1. You know, many people still think that A&E went off the air in the ’80s.
Advertising Executive 1: Not to mention the fact that you’ve basically become a national joke.
Gene Simmons: But I have had sex with thousands of women.
Advertising Executive 2: Well, see, that’s just the thing.
Advertising Executive 1: Sleeping with thousands of women would be impressive and alluring if you weren’t so viscerally repulsive.
Advertising Executive 2: It’s gross. You having sex, just the thought of it makes people barf.
Advertising Executive 1: The statistics of your sexual prowess are actually just the statistics of how much you make people want to barf.
Advertising Executive 2: What we want to do is we want to play with that. By having people pee on your face.
Gene Simmons: I’ve had plenty of people pee on my face bef–
Advertising Executive 1: Gene, honey, I love you, but shut up. I will punch you right in the face.
Gene Simmons: OK, I am on board. I was always on board. I was only arguing because I wanted to keep this conversation going. I am lonely. But let’s talk details.
Advertising Executive 1: I love it. What are you thinking?
Gene Simmons: I want to be holding my hands up, like this.
Gene Simmons holds his fingers up a couple of inches apart.
Gene Simmons: I’m suggesting that the person seeing this image has a small penis. Do you get it?
Advertising Executive 2: We get it.
Gene Simmons: Tell me if you get it.
Advertising Executive 1: We get it, Gene.
Gene Simmons: Do you love it? Isn’t it perfect?
Advertising Executive 1: Honestly? It seems a little desperate. You’re already a urinal cake that people are peeing on. If anything, this would make it seem like you were in on the joke. People would know that you not only agreed to be on a urinal cake so that people could literally pee all over images of your face, but that you had given your full support to these horrible, disgusting, completely humiliating urinal cakes.
Gene Simmons: How about it’s a picture of me going like this.
Gene opens his mouth wide and tilts his head back, as if he is drinking pee that someone is peeing into his mouth.
Advertising Executive 2: Let’s go with that first thing you said. The penis thing.
Gene Simmons: You liked that one.
Advertising Executive 2: Loved it. I’ll make the call. We’ll set up a photo shoot, because we have to take special photos just for the urinal cake that you are agreeing to do because of how much self-respect you have.
Gene Simmons: What are you guys doing later? Do you want to hang out?
Advertising Executive 1: Would that I could, Gene, baby, but I have an appointment with a thing about a guy at a place that I just cannot miss. Next time!
Advertising Executive 2: You know I would love to, but I have to help a friend move…to space. They’re moving to space. It’s like “hire a moving company already!” Hahaha. Oh man. Haha. Moving!
Gene Simmons begins to weep silently while rubbing his crotch.