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Marlon Brando was one of the greatest actors who ever lived. Ah-no-duh! He seethed with a tempestuous anger and bristled with an animal sexuality, is what someone would say if they were pretentious and wanted to sound smart when they described him.
Dude was also so crazy eventually!
As we all know, late in his life, Marlon Brando, with nothing left to prove, no mountains left to climb, a Legend among Men, went on an all butter diet and moved to a private Tahitian island called Tetiaroa where he primarily talked to himself and got sunburned his dick (one assumes). The actor was legendary for his mood swings, his political outbursts, his being 300 pounds, and his phoning it in on the few movies in which he did decide to act.
And so what! We should all be so lucky to peak by the time we’re 30 and spend the rest of our lives as fat wastrels, succumbing to the pleasures of the flesh on our own private island! The question is, who’s next? Which of our current stable of Hollywood stars has what it takes to have a complete fucking melt down and turn what was a once noble career into a late night monologue joke?
Shia LaBeouf: I’m not actually saying that Shia LaBeouf is as talented as Marlon Brando. I am saying that he is very famous very young, and that his movies tend to make a lot of money, some of which must go into his Rainy Private Island Day fund. The road of life is long and bumpy, and it is not impossible to imagine waking up one day to find out that there are no cheeseburgers left because Shia LaBeouf ate them all, right before he disappeared forever.
Mel Gibson: Obviously, dude is more than halfway there. The day that you start publicly defending your holocaust-denying father for denying the holocaust is the day that you should probably find a hot secluded beach to dry out your frying brain. Remember when he got arrested for drunk driving and for also calling a cop “sugar tits”? CLASSIC BRANDOIAN RECKLESS SELF-INDULGENT NIGHTMARE STUFF.
Taylor Kitsch: OK, obviously, no. I just wanted to post a picture of Taylor Kitsch. Texas forever, 33.
Will Smith: Not only has Will Smith been famous since what feels like the dawn of time (I heard the Sloth in Ice Age was based on him), he is also supposedly the “last bankable movie star.” All of this suggests a monster narcissistic disaster celebrity, and yet he always seems so level-headed and even-tempered! Which is actually even scarier than just being a mess. It’s bottled up in there somewhere, and when it finally emerges and he falls apart in front of everyone, it’s going to be incredible.
Luis Guzman: What, you don’t think Luis Guzman could be the next Marlon Brando? Racist.
Angelina Jolie: Here we go. Here’s someone who from a very early age has been celebrated and fawned over. She now lives an unbearable horrorshow of a life under constant scrutiny and obsessive attention. The depth of the public’s fascination with her is matched by the depth of her self-importance. She’s got the money, the narcissistic affective disorder, the history of knife play and psycho-sexual mindgames, and the dwindling ambitions of someone at the top with nowhere left to go. And when her kids get old enough, she will have a defending army for her Nation of One.
Smart Money: Angelina Jolie
Long Shot: Luis Guzman
Covering the Spread: Shia LaBeouf
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You would’ve hit the nail on the head a little better with the obvious choices of Johnny Depp and/or Daniel Day Lewis… well respected, weird as fuck, and reclusive.
Johnny Depp already HAS an island, doesn’t he?
Thumbs up for Karl Pilkington.
Nah, their GOOD but not CRAZY enough. Why don’t we just use someone from NAMBLA?!
That shit is already solved for us.
benicio del toro. he’s got that same ‘i’m-super-fat-on-the-inside-and-you’ll-see-when-i-eat-my-way-through-body” look. and he mumbles.
so true! his inner fat is starting to show.
Would somebody please explain this guy?
Let me enlighten you to the wonderful world of Nelson De La Rosa?
Nice avatar, man. Made me chuckle.
Head like a f-ing orange!
Looks a bit like Tsim Fuckus AKA Chicken Little.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zEBls74cQj8
That little guy is what happens when Marlon Bran- Dr. Moreau’s “dick has got sunburned.”
Burn Troyer.
I’m gonna give it to Greg Kinnear.
I’m taking a flyer on Justin Timberlake. He just seems too well-adjusted.
I thought Britney Spear was the new Marlon Brando.
Doesn’t Mel Gibson already own an island? I would think he has to be the frontrunner.
The island is called ‘Australia’.
Verne Troyer.
Christian “You’re amateur” Bale.
i would put money on Leonardo DiCaprio. too much, too soon. kid’s a goner.
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No, Heath Ledger took the “next James Dean” tag, obviously.
i love you
for acting chops, Heath Ledger was getting up there. but if you’re talking living future Brando, i’d bet on James Franco.
Val Kilmer, former volleyball hottie and now plump cable tv christian scientist host, is 70% there.
Yeah really. I thought this was obvious!
Joaquin Phoenix – he’s almost there already.
love that Gabe likes posting photos of Taylor Kitsch. if I knew who he was before this I would also enjoy it! hot! good choice Gabriel.
uhhh what about tom cruise?
Nicholas Cage. By a landslide. Plus, he already bought an island.
Nick is too stuck on his looks to be the next Brando. Brando didn’t care what he looked like at this point. Nic wears a wig.
Gabe’s boycrush on Taylor Kitsch is so precious.
Also, I’m jumping on the del toro bandwagon.
who will be the next Mahow?
I’ve gotta put in a vote for Jolie. Her Dad’s already all kinds of crazy (he was recently spotted arguing with vegetables at a supermarket – seriously), so she’s got that to look forward to.
My first thought was Joaquin- he’s already peaked and has been bloating of late. I also love Gabe’s man-crush on Taylor Kitsch.
There’s no guarantee that the New Brando© is in our lifetime at all. Brando was a perfect storm of talent, looks, innovation in his field, laziness, and self-destructive egotism. Only Orson Welles could compete at that level. James Dean got to die young, but Brando had to find ways to go on (his ways weren’t good – just sayin’).
I’m not sure how Nic Cage isn’t the obvious answer.
Nic Cage is not the answer because he’s made 2 decent movies – none of which are the stuff of legend. Also, with all due respect to Senor Cage, he has never “seethed with a tempestuous anger and bristled with an animal sexuality”. Fact.
You’ve never seen ‘Moonstruck’, have you?
Steven Van Zandt on the right
I know he’s not the epitome of acting or good looks, but couldn’t Will Ferrel qualify? I mean, his empire has already shown a few cracks in it (Semi-Pro and Land of the Lost bombed), and he can’t possibly keep this up forever. Combine that with the amount of money he must have, and I think he could at least be considered.
That’s my friend Kevin.
woody allen
Travolta? He’s already past his hot young stallion phase and his middle-aged comeback phase, and is now firmly in his doughy guy with unfortunate headsuit phase.
Joaquin Phoenix IS already there
I know this makes me the humorless scold, but now that he’s dead I wish we’d focus less on Marlon Brando The Crazy Fat Guy and more on Marlon Brando The Greatest Actor of the Twentieth Century. I worry his reputation is becoming like Elvis’s, where people grow up snickering at him dying on a toilet without knowing why anyone ever cared about him. I’d be more interested in seeing what actor has it in him to give a performance as fearless as Brando’s in Last Tango or a subtle as his in Godfather.
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*Plays The Golden Girls theme song and smiles kindly.* I’m just glad whenever someone says Chuck Berry did it first.
you are just upset that you can’t own a chimpanzee named Scatter who ends up dying of cirrhosis of the liver.
I’m going with a long shot and I’m going to say the Jonas Brothers.
woody allen
I’m going with Russel Crowe. Already seething with anger at everything, and he has the body style to pack on quite a few pounds if he runs into some hard times.
i think you mean extremely easy times. hard times can make one lose a few pounds
Tyler Perry!
Chris Pine
Wait, is Christian Slater not already on his way down that path? I mean, he made a little come-back with the TV thing last spring, until… CANCELLED.
Plus I’m pretty sure he has a solid case of the “crazies”
Harry Dean Stanton. Due respect.
He was Marlon’s BFF.
Kathleen Turner
richard brason.
nuff said
richard branson.
nuff said
richard branson.
nuff said