Photos
First off, this is real, unless internet parodies now come with working, relevant 1-800 numbers. (I took the time to call, which makes me the Bob Woodward of bloggers.) Secondly, though they try to dance around the issue of why the Comfort Wipe exists with red herrings like the inherent disgustingness of toilet paper, and shoulder injuries, it becomes clear at the :42 mark that they know and we know exactly why this product exists. Like The Body Snake, the thing that helps you wash your body when you’re unable to touch most of it, this product exists because apparently one of the afflictions of morbid obesity is the inabilty to wipe one’s butt.
I can’t even imagine how germy one of those things is. The next time I’m tempted to eat fast food or something, I’m going to remember that nothing tastes as good as being able to wipe your own ass feels. (Via Buzzfeed.)
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I’m interested in what the advantages of being a big guy are
i’m just throwing this out there, but… hot chubby chasers???
could be.
I knew a girl who was freaking gorgeous and had a sort of fetish for men whose stomachs stuck out further than their… below-stomachs. If you get my meaning. So I can anecdotally confirm the existence of hot chubby chasers.
me too .
- A big guy.
oh wait, do they mean that people ask you to get things off of the top shelf at the super market?
I was thinking the same thing.
If you’re the right kind of big, you’re a little less likely to get mugged. And people don’t bump into you, even in really crowded places. But that’s more large frame man big than man with woman hips swatting at crumbs on his bosom big.
that poor old lady couldn’t wipe her ass before this product. That is so sad. Like that guy said, being fat definitely has its advantages. And they far outweigh being able to wipe your ass. I’m ordering three
Just so we’re clear: using the Comfort Wipe allows you to maintain dignity. Appearing in a commercial for the Comfort Wipe, however, does not.
I wonder if the participants in this commercial put it on their resumes.
Did Billy Mays and that other guy think this was shit? Whammie!
The Comfort Wipe would be the most insulting gift ever.
kenny powers just lapped da cake eatur in the blog commenters race
checkered flag kenny.
“Being a big guy certainly has it’s advantages.” What?
I can think of…being able to wear a Hawaiian shirt, and…that’s about it.
the only guys who wear hawaiian shirts are gay guys and big fat party animals.
They stole this idea! Behold the ass-ist…
http://www.thedailyshow.com/video/index.jhtml?videoId=121694&title=Ass-ist
I like how they describe toilet paper as “archaic”, like people who use it are stuck in the past or something.
So many questions…. there haven’t been any improvements to tiolet paper since the 1880s? Really? Not even quilted paper?
And were back-to-back shit-related posts done on purpose? Cause I’d think spacing those out would be to the advantage of everyone and everything.
i like that someone did their research to find out exactly when toilet paper became all the rage. the 1880s. Who knew?
Archaic and DISGUSTING! Just like sex and other human things!
these guys obviously don’t know about
Well played, Becca. Well played, indeed.
I was thinking of the three shells the whole time too!
good form becca
Before the 1880s, people could use their slaves’ hands for wiping purposes.
Missing Link?
(Nice reference!)
Thank god I can finally get my dignity back.
I feel like I’m losing my dignity just by commenting in this post, but starring in the commercial for a shit stick will surely win it back for me.
the older woman kinda sounds like wakko from animaniacs when she says “allows you to maintain your dignity”.
also, in the vein of tennis elbow, can that be a new thing? my TP shoulder’s acting up.
I didn’t know that being a big guy has its advantages.
The Face Painter
[Transcribed by Dave (ratboy)]
——————————————————————————
Written by: Larry David
——————————————————————————
Episode no. 109
pc: 622, season 6, episode 23
Broadcast date: May 11, 1995
——————————————————————————
The Cast
Regulars:
Jerry Seinfeld………………. Jerry Seinfeld
Jason Alexander……………… George Costanza
Julia Louis-Dreyfus………….. Elaine Benes
Michael Richards…………….. Cosmo Kramer
Guest Stars:
Patrick Warburton……………..David Puddy
Katy Selverstone………………Siena
Mark DeCarlo………………….Alec Berg
Raye Birk…………………….Mr. Pless
Pierrino Mascarino…………….Father Hernandez
Joe Lala……………………..Priest
Peggy Lane O’Rourke……………Waitress
David Richardson………………Fan #1
Dave Powledge…………………Fan #2
Jan Eddy……………………..Fan #3
Lawrence LeJohn……………….Crowd Member
Opening monologue.
Monkeys are really the end of the line in the pet world. I think when you’re at
the monkey level of pet ownership, have a kid. I mean, come on, you know, I
mean, you’re *so* close. If you need a pet that can roller skate and smoke
cigars, it’s time to think about a family. Monkeys, of course, were the first
astronauts in the sixties, which I’m sure made perfect sense in the monkey
brain. ‘Maybe that is the next logical step for me, because I’ve been working
with the Italian guy and the crank organ, and I think I’m ready to handle the
maximum re-entry g-forces.
First scene.
George and his date are talking in his car.
George: Take toilet paper for example. Do you realize that toilet paper has
not changed in my lifetime? It’s just paper on a cardboard roll, that’s it.
And in ten thousand years, it will still be exactly the same because really,
what else can they do?
Siena: That’s true. There really has been no development in toilet paper.
George: And everything else has changed. But toilet paper is exactly the same,
and will be so until we’re dead.
Siena: Yeah, you’re right George. What else can they do?
George: It’s just paper on a roll, that’s it. And that’s all it will ever be.
Siena: Wow.
George: You find this interesting, don’t you?
Siena: Yes. yes, I do.
They stare at each other for a moment, then embrace.
New scene.
Jerry and Elaine are at the coffee shop.
Elaine (to the busboy): Oh, thanks very much, the soup was really good.
Jerry: What are you telling him for?
Elaine: What?
Jerry: He’s the busboy, you think he cares about the soup?
Elaine: Yeah, why? Wouldn’t he want the soup to be good?
Jerry: Elaine, it’s all this guy can do to keep from killing himself. You
think he’s back there, talking to the chef, going, “Hey, they like the soup!
Keep it up!”?
Elaine: Hey, isn’t that Alec Berg?
Jerry: Yep, Alec Berg. He’s got a good ‘John Houseman’ name. Alec Beeerg.
Mr. Beeerg.
Elaine: I can’t stand him, he is so pretentious.
Jerry: John Houseman?
Elaine: No, Alec Berg.
Alec (approaching): Elaine!
Elaine: Hi!
Alec: Hi, how are you? Jerry.
Jerry: Hi, Alec.
Alec: Did you hear about Gary Fogel?
Jerry: Yeah.
Alec: You gonna go to the funeral on Friday?
Jerry: Yeah, hey did I see you on TV at the Ranger game? Were those your seats
right behind the glass?
Alec: Those are them, yeah. Season tickets. Uh, you know, unfortunately I
can’t go tonight, so they’re available if you’d like to use them.
Jerry: Oh, I’d love to, are you sure?
Alec: Absolutely, you just call my secretary, she’ll arrange everything.
Jerry: Gee thanks! Thanks a lot!
Alec: It’s my pleasure. Be good. (Walking away, he stops abruptly) You know,
I actually might not use them on Friday either so I’ll let you know.
Jerry: Alright, thanks again.
Elaine: Thank you very much.
Jerry: Really, thank you.
New scene.
Jerry and Elaine are back at his apartment.
Jerry: Well what about these nitwits that get on a plane with nothing to read?
You know who these people are?
Elaine: Who?
Jerry: These are the people that want to talk to you. They got nothing else to
do, why not disturb you?
Elaine: I will never understand people.
Jerry: They’re the worst.
George enters, carrying a bouquet of flowers and singing.
George: Something’s up, there’s something in the air.
Jerry: Well, what is with you?
George: Well, I think this is it.
Elaine: What’s it?
George: I saw Siena again.
Elaine: Siena?
Jerry: Yeah, he’s dating a crayon.
George: We discussed toilet paper.
Jerry: Toilet paper?
George: Yeah, I told her how toilet paper hasn’t changed in my lifetime, and
probably wouldn’t change in the next fifty thousand years and she was
fascinated, fascinated!
Jerry: What are you talking about?
Elaine: Yeah.
Jerry: Toilet paper’s changed.
Elaine: Yeah.
Jerry: It’s softer.
Elaine: Softer.
Jerry: More sheets per roll
Elaine: Sheets.
Jerry: Comes in a wide variety of colors.
Elaine: Colors.
Jerry: THE COMFORT WIPE
wholefrigginscriptgum.com
SHIT sorry, it copied everything. go to the end.
HA! yeah that’s the first thing I thought about when they pulled that 1880′s fact out.
Coco knows what that’s for
I don’t know. that thing looks really awkward to use. do you go from the front? from the back? do you actually stand up a bit…and squat/hover while you use it? it looks too long, and the release mechanism looks problematic.
if i’m a big guy, or a cougar with bone pain, this is going to be probably more trouble than it’s worth.
i suggest just not wiping, then jumping in the shower afterward. every time.
I think you’re right. I need to see a demo. And also, can lefties use it?
I’ll bet that the mature woman in the commercial built an entire character in her mind for this pivotal role. That’s why she’s so good at sounding like a “society lady.”
I WARSH MAHSELF WITH A RAG ON A STICK
keep it down kids. momma is trying to watch her stories
1880s? Hm. I don’t know about that. I don’t think they used rolls back in the 20s.