Teresa’s daughter didn’t land the role in the movie with Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson, but that doesn’t mean that Teresa is going to stop pouring tons of nervous Diet Red Bull energy into making her daughter semi-famous/miserable. This week, they go to the Wilhelmina modeling agency. The woman they meet with explains that Teresa’s daughter is cute, but that all of her photos (in the industry they are called “cards” for absolutely no reason) look like Glamour Shots of a pageant princess, and that this is NOT what people want in a child model. Yuck. Even if that is true, and pageants are gross, and Toddlers and Tiaras makes my heart cry, it’s still weird and kind of tasteless to talk about what people want in child models, since people shouldn’t want anything in child models. There should be no child models. And I know why Teresa is talking about all of this: she’s a bad mom. But this child modeling agent should just be ashamed of herself (although I have a feeling that she is. Every night. With a half bottle of California Zinfandel). Anyway, Teresa says that the modeling agent LOVES her daughter’s look, she just wants her to get new “cards” (photos). Sure. Sure, Teresa.
So she takes her daughter to get new “cards” (photos). And she stresses NO MAKEUP to make sure the photos aren’t tacky. That ought to do it. Oh wait, let her just unpack this BABY SIZE PINK FUR COAT. Natural.
Teresa’s daughter is sick of it. She hates having her picture taken. Because she is a child. When Teresa takes her back to Wilhelmina, the modeling agent does not like a lot of the new photos because they still look like pageant photos, because Teresa took her daughter back to the same photographer. Smart. But she insisted “no makeup” so she’s not sure what the problem is. Eventually, the Wilhelmina lady says that she thinks she has some photos that can work, and she is excited to sign
the agency up for some free advertising on Bravo Teresa’s daughter up as a new client.
You did it, mom! Nothing but net!
Most of the episode, actually, is taken up with these moms trying to out bad mom each other. “I’m the worst mom!” “No, I’m the worst mom!” Jacqueline continues to have trouble not being a doormat to everyone including her daughter. Her daughter has failed out of two classes and has to go to summer school, even though she was under the impression that her mom was going to “take care of it”? Huh? What does that even mean? Like, take care of it?
Well, it doesn’t matter because her husband takes care of it by buying her daughter a brand new Jeep Cherokee (limited edition, whatever that means) with leather interior. Perfect. That will teach her the importance of school! Jacquelyn tells Caroline and Teresa about it and everyone is like “um, that is not what you do,” and she’s like “my husband did it. You should yell at him.” Oh jeez. . Does she know how anything works?
Meanwhile, Danielle, who is the Kelly Bensimon of New Jersey, if Kelly Bensimon had a FRANKENSTEIN FACE and was more open about her complete inability to keep her raging self-esteem issues in check, has a spa day. A spa day is when other Housewives as well as a Housewives camera crew come to your house and sit in a row of hard-backed chairs in a dark-paneled room and watch while one-by-one a doctor injects poison into everyone’s faces. You know, relaxing spa stuff.
But it’s not like Danielle is just about enjoying the most
relaxing terrifying luxury Saw-style torture that money can buy. She’s totally into being a bad mom. Wait up, ladies! Wait for Danielle! First of all, she lets her two daughters hang out at the spa day, watching as a doctor selectively injects poison into ther mom’s melting head. I suppose there’s something to be said for being honest with your children, but there’s also something to be said for not burning their eyes with your horrorshow of a life. If you want to get botox, get botox, literally no one is stopping you. But leave your kids out of it. Later, Danielle decides that she is done dating Stephen. Aw, why? He’s so dreamy. If by dreamy you mean a total thumbhead.
But before Danielle can be done dating him, she brings her children to Jacquelyn’s house to interrupt a play date with Teresa and goes on a rant about how it’s not enough to just give a 26-year-old a blow job every day, she wants something more out of life. Are the kids right there having a pizza? Good, they’ll need something in their stomach so that the barfs are productive. There’s nothing sadder than watching your kids have dry heaves at overhearing the sad and sordid details of your tragic sex life. Eventually, she gets mad that Jacquelyn and Teresa aren’t indulging her weird forced self-pity party in the way she wants, and so she gathers up her children like the lifeless props that she thinks that they are, and drags them out of the house. “I’m done,” she says. “I wish,” Gabe says.
P.S. Before that incident happened, Danielle had gone on a triple date with Jacquelyn and Teresa and their husbands, and she explained over dinner that things with Stephen were on the rocks, and then she said “I was going to break up with him at the table during dinner, but I decided it wasn’t the right time.” They should put her brain in a museum of things that don’t work.
After Danielle leaves, Jacquelyn and Teresa began to trade rumors about Danielle’s past. No one knows what to believe, but Caroline knows what to hire a private investigator to uncover? Perfect. What is this show even about? Like, the first couple of iterations were supposed to be a behind-the-scenes look at people living aspirational lives, perhaps with the intent of showing people that money really doesn’t buy happiness. But at this point the whole franchise has just slipped the rails. It should just be called The Weird Monsters of Everywhere. And you’ll love it.
Next week: More secrets about Danielle. A book! Danielle is pissed because she knows that there is only one person in her life who knows how to read (not her).