Variety reports terrible news this morning: Zach Braff is going to direct another movie. Ugh. It’s enough to make you want to climb on top of a rusted out truck at the edge of a quarry somewhere and just scream into the void. It’s called Swingles, because apparently the rights to Eye Barf are already taken, and it is about the seduction community (think The Pick Up Artist meets Scrubs). Sounds great (think sarcasm meets eye roll). But here’s something: Cameron Diaz will co-star, and here is a description of her role:
Story centers on a bachelor who is dumped by his wingman and teams up with a sharp-tongued woman he can’t stand in order to meet singles.
Fair enough. Everyone has to put food on their families (or whatever Cameron Diaz has. Cats? Publicists? Everyone has to put food on their publicists). But didn’t Cameron Diaz just play a sharp-tongued woman that the main character can’t stand?
A pattern emerges!
Of course, Diaz’s character in What Happens in Vegas was mutually loathing of Ashton Kutcher, and the only reason they stayed together was because C.R.E.A.M., dollar, dollar bills, y’all. If anything, though, it looks like her role as “woman that a guy doesn’t like” is being reduced to its purest form. She helps a dude pick up women at a bar? And millions of dollars in divorce money don’t hang in the balance to explain why two people who hate each other are forced to stay together? Just picking up chicks? Even if they do fall in love at the end, and they do fall in love at the end, those are some low stakes. Getting to the essence of the thing now.
Eventually, of course, one hopes that we can cut the ham-handed Hollywood manipulation and Cameron Diaz will just play a woman that repulses guys without bothering to offer them something in return. Oh wait, she already does:
Congratulations, Cameron Diaz. It is hard for any actor to stay relevant as they get older, especially women, and you have managed to carve out a mean little niche for yourself. You’re like our generation’s Glenn Close!