Photos
New Moon, the sequel to Twilight, has its first poster, you guys. Does it just give you shivers? Well you are 12 and you should put on a sweatshirt. Admittedly, I haven’t actually seen Twilight. Because I am an ADULT. Is watching Twilight going to file for an extension on my tax return? Is watching Twilight going to install a safety handle in my shower? Is watching Twilight going to fill all of the butterscotch bowls in the house with delicious, stuck together butterscotches? The point is that I don’t even know what happens in the first Twilight–it’s about a guy who likes to climb trees and hates minivans–so I have no idea what’s going on here. But it looks exciting! It’s like someone used their sophomore year diary as inspiration for the cover of a young adult erotic novel. It’s like someone got a job to shoot a catalog for JC Penny’s Fall 2007 line, but decided to “get creative” with the project. The CEO of JC Penny was like “I don’t know if we really want to imply that our teenage customers are having secret competitive woods sex,” and the photographer was like “Well the good news is, we came in way under budget. This thing cost basically nothing.”
After the jump, a look at the garbage New Moon shooting script for the scene depicted in the new poster.
EXT. WOODS – SPOOKYTIME
Bella chews on the strings of her JC PENNY hoodie. The new guy who may or may not be a vampire, it’s hard to tell from the poster, stands in front of her with his fists clenched.
I am going to stand right up in your face.
BELLA
Huh?
NEW GUY
I am clenching my fists now.
BELLA
Uhhhhh
Edward enters the woods walking backwards. He stops a few paces from Bella and the New Guy.
Woe is me!
NEW GUY
I refuse to turn and face you. I will speak/glare at you over my shoulder.
EDWARD
Boo hoo, I wrote her name on my jeans.
NEW GUY
We all wrote her name on our jeans, whatever.
BELLA
My face is thirsty.
EDWARD
I’m a vampire but I still have feelings!
NEW GUY
I might be a vampire, too, but I am not sure!
(to Bella)
Put your hand on my arm before I rape you.
Bella puts her hand on his arm.
I look like a jerk!
EDWARD
What do I need with a wristwatch?
CUT TO:
INT. COSI SANDWICHES – NIGHT
Edward walks up to the cashier.
One Cosi sandwich please.
Edward pays with vampire change.
And scene. Isn’t it crazy how even without having seen the first Twilight movie or read any of the Twilight books, I still got this scene 100 percent right? Spookytime.
 |
 |
I don’t know anything about Twilight but I’m sure a wristwatch would come in handy if the sun caused you to die. JUST KIDDING, I do know one thing about Twilight: The sun doesn’t make vampires die, it just makes them SPARKLY. That’s so annoying. It’s like the story wouldn’t work if the sun killed him (because how could a vampire attack a high school? high schools are only open during the day) and the writer just kind of ignored the sun thing, which is like 50% of vampire mythology (other 50% is that they kill people, which I guess was also ignored.) I’m not trying to be professor vampires but, come on.
Man I just thought of a much better story: A vampire is attacking a night school. And he falls in love with a middle aged woman trying to jump start her career. Basically Hellen Hunt from Pay It Forward.
I love it! Greenlit.
I like you, Professor Vampire, please continue.
HOLY SHIT, THE NEW GUY IS THE KID FROM SHARK BOY AND LAVA GIRL!!!!!!111! Perfect.
oh no, what has happened to his CAREER?
Also, the girl’s face on this poster needs to be added to the collection of faces that don’t look like the face of the person they belong to.
I wonder if I could have worded that more awkwardly.
Involuntary squee.
To qualify as a “young adult erotic novel” there would have to be sex. Ain’t no sex till the fourth book, y’all, ’cause Stephenie Meyer is a sex-hatin’ Mormon.
She also hates literature and reading, so she chose her profession to wreak terrible vengeance on the reading world with her hacky, sexist, religiously-overtoned sub-paperback-romance vampire stories.
BA-ZING!
Your script is infinitely better writing than anything that appears in the book.
Man, if I didn’t know better (and I like to pretend I don’t), I’d swear this was some sort of Hot Topic endorsed remake of ‘Making Love’ with Kristen Stewart assuming the Kate Jackson role
He’s a werewolf.
Srsly?
Ya srsly.
Ugh.
I know everyone heaps scorn on these movies, but I hope the first three are big successes. So they attempt to make the fourth book into a film and we get to see the scene where Robert Pattinson EATS A FETUS out of Kristen Stewart. Parental guidance suggested for abdominal evisceration and wtf imagery.
I TOTALLY AGREE. The 4th one is totally crazy and retarded and glorious. Not only would Robert Pattinson and the other dude on the poster have to EAT A FETUS out of Kristen Stewart, but the other dude totally falls in love with her infant child WHILE SHE IS STILL COVERED IN CHUNKS OF KRISTEN STEWART because he is a werewolf and they “imprint” their love onto people no matter how super creepy and age inappropriate it is because they are werewolves DUH SHUT UP!
Also, when they finally do have sex its totally awkward and Kristen Stewart wakes up covered in bruises and feathers because Rob Pattinson was too intense for her and he bites the pillows to stop himself from consuming her blood.
Basically they need to get Lars von Trier to direct this because he is the self-professed greatest director of all time and it would give him the opportunity to up the ante on the already gloriously batshit and gruesome ANTICHRIST.
that doesn’t really happen!!!!!
*does it?*
It happens 100%
My 11 year old sister reads those books.
YES. My co-worker got me to read the first three (I work at the Vampire School for 12-Year-Olds) and as they got progressively worse, I told her I just couldn’t do the fourth one. She insisted, saying it was some ridiculous crazy (bad) shit, and that I would thank her for the LOLZ when it was over. I would say I thanked her, but there were definitely some LOLZ.
**wouldn’t say I thanked her
You know how your mom would have those trashy romance novels that you would skim for the sex scenes every once in a while? These books are just as bad and NO SEX. (Try the Anita Blake Vampire Hunter series, pervs)
The movie was pretty.
Yeah, pretty AWFUL!
Just kidding, it was hilarious.
Where-wolf?
I read the first book because of a friend of mine said it was “gorgeous” and “moving” and “super awesome”. I was lied too. When did stalking and morbid obsession become romantic? :/
I just noticed about 3490903 errors in my own comment. Way to go, Indiana.
I keep thinking about suggesting TwiLOL for the WMOAT, but honestly it’s so awful that it’s thoroughly entertaining, especially if you’ve been drinking a bit. VAMPIRE BASEBALL is all I am saying. (They can only play it during thunderstorms!)
Hey, airbrush McGees up there.
Their butts are making out.
So when does Kristen Stewart slay the vampires? Whoops, wrong vampire series!
I hate anyone who genuinely likes anything about this series. Life’s too short for me to deal with morons.
I read your comment as “these mormons,” which made it so much better.
The second “m” is always silent in the word “Mormon.”
One time there was this girl I liked, and she liked Twilight, so I wrote a song about it, even though I hate it and hated researching it to get relevant lyrics. Anyway, so I wrote the song, and then I took an acoustic guitar to work (at a grocery store) and after the store had closed I played it at the front for her. She shot me down and one week later was dating a guy who is a walking fart joke.
Moral of the story: Girls don’t actually like Edward Cullens, they like Peter Griffins.
the new guy looks like he is punching Bella in the groin. Why would he do that?
everyone in this poster has really pointy faces.
??????? ???????!!! ?? ????? ??????? ????? ?????????? ????? ?????????? ?????! ????? ?????????? ??? ??????????.
??????? ???????!!! ? ??? ????? ?????????? ????? ?????????? ?????! ????? ?????????? ??? ??????????.
?????, ?????, ?? ??????? ?????
fuck yeah man!
Okay, I have a feeling that I’m going to get shit for this, but I have to speak for the other side.
I’m going to start off by saying that I do not consider Stephanie Meyer to be a talented author. But she is brilliant. She managed to create characters and a romance that have engrossed the planet. No one can argue with that. The books (while incredibly redundant and anti-climatic) are intensely romantic and would sweep away almost any girl. I mean come on; You have a plain-Jane, average girl who meets a dark and mysterious (and HOTT) man who happens to be completely obsessed and in love with her. He says the words that every girl would kill to hear in the most perfect of ways and vows never to leave her despite his incredible agony in being with her. Then you add into this incredibly steamy mix, a buff, gorgeous, and charismatic native-American who happens to be a shape-shifter and pit him against the hot vampire for her love and affection and you have a recipe for the sexiest and most intense romance ever written. Are aspects of the barely-there plot ridiculous? Yes. Are some of the characters, situations and dialog cliche? Absolutely. But you can’t deny that Stephanie Meyer has changed the face of modern romance and made an entire planet of women, young and old, and some men fall in love with two perfect fictional characters.
Argue if you’d like…but I’m not wrong and I’ve got the majority of many nations on my side.