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The economic crisis is affecting everyone. Why, just the other day, there were a bunch of imaginary layoffs at the imaginary company where Audrina Patridge pretends to work, and she was like “OMG, I can hardly make-believe it.” She had her publicist call her mom and was just like “I just feel lucky to even have a fake job these days.” Who does this show think it is? Three weeks ago, everyone dropped everything they were doing to go on a surprise trip to Hawaii, and I’m willing to accept that. But I am not willing to accept this on-going charade that these young women actually have jobs, or even know what a job is. “You mean like when you sit in a pedicure chair but without the footbath and with a computer?” Stephanie Pratt is like “I finished my resume, let me know what you think,” and Lauren is like “I’m not sure if drinking all the lattes counts as an objective.” And Stephanie was like “what’s an objective?”
Seriously, talking to her is like talking to Gilbert Grape (because she is a man).
This is the realest shit that’s ever happened on this show. I completely believe that this is exactly what it’s like to talk to Stephanie Pratt. No trick editing here. Incredible. So she messes up at her “job,” because she “forgets” to “pack dresses” for a “photo shoot” and then when Lauren calls her to see what happened and have her fix the mistake she is at a sit down restaurant lunch with her new boyfriend, on her “lunch break.” Sure. You know how it is. Always enjoying a nice leisurely sit down restaurant on your lunch break. It’s called working. This episode almost makes me feel bad for Stephanie Pratt because if all of this is fake, and it is, and if none of them have jobs, and they don’t, then basically the producers were like “here is this week’s script,” and all of Stephanie’s lines were labeled “STUPID ASSHOLE.”
I am working so hard at my job!
Kelly Cutrone is pissed. She’s like “lunch break, I haven’t had a lunch break in five years!” Shut up Kelly Cutrone. You need to have a face break. Give that thing a rest. Anyway, she tells Lauren to fire Stephanie, duh, but that doesn’t even happen? Oh boy, they’re keeping the tension high on that exciting event. I can’t wait. I can wait. I will wait.
Meanwhile, Audrina has a fight with Justin Bobby and tells him it’s over. He is mad. Apparently Audrina isn’t letting the organic spirit of nature’s will take its chilled out course. She’s always trying to push him this way or that way instead of just letting their insufferable relationship ride the waves of experience. Do you know how short our life is? Not short enough to buy grown up socks, apparently. Justin walks away from the fight so pissed and manly.
REALEST SOCKS IN THE GAME.
Heidi tells her “co-worker” that she got a text from Stacy and she wants to meet. This feud is so intense and normal. When someone flirts with your boyfriend, you always GIVE THEM YOUR PHONE NUMBER. Heidi just wants it to be over, she wants Stacy out of her life. That’s why she gave her her phone number, in order to end it. She goes to the bar to meet Stacy. Everyone at the bar is the best.
Enhance.
Enhance.
Enhance.
Yup, just a bunch of regular people in a bar. They like it because the studio lighting is so flattering. Stacy says to Heidi “you’re crazy, you’re boyfriend’s a dick, and good luck,” and for a split second Heidi’s face goes completely blank as if she’s in shock, before she remembers that she doesn’t know what half of those words even mean.
Back at home, she tells Spencer that she took care of it. He says, “What do you mean you took care of it? You’re Tony Soprano?” LOL. But sadly, no. If Heidi was Tony Soprano, she would have whacked everybody, and then, because she is so stupid and bad at everything, she would have whacked herself. No such luck. But don’t stop believing. Hold on to that feeling*.
*Sorry, Sopranos. You deserve better.
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Best thing ever: You need to have a face break. Give that thing a rest.
Watching THE HILLS and pointing out how vapid and idiotic the show, its cast, and the ‘plots’ are is like watching COPROCK and pointing out how insane and random the dance numbers are. This is a total waste of Gabe’s wit.
Hi, my name is Heidi and I have a thinking problem.
2 posts in one day featuring manpris. Awesome.
Hi, my name is Heidi and I have a thinking problem.
L.C. really reminds me of every smug, boring, white woman boss I’ve ever had.
For maximum enjoyment of this post, make sure you randomly type on your keyboard whenever it says “Enhance.” It’s just like being on TV!
Your.
I’m just glad that the producers noted that Stacie is a Bartender. Sitting behind a bar and slinging hooch to a rag-tag group of douchebags gets kind of confusing as far as determining her occupation.
“I think a good ballet flat can be professional.” Haha. I love LC talking down to Stephanie. “Steph” is the most plain faced woman on earth. Ann? Who? Egg? Anabelle? Way to plant Ann! Seriously, you couldn’t pick Stephanie out of a line-up of one.
i voted you up, but it suspiciously went down. why does that happen here sometimes? anyway, i wish i could vote you up for ever, jennybean, for the AD reference.
Thank you! I think people are afraid to use AD references now that the show is so popular. I say we bring back AD references in any and every situation.
Stephanie truly is a real life Ann. She’s neither pretty or ugly. Neither here nor there. It’s quite (un?)remarkable.
LC is the biggest turd Jason ever had to dump.
Zing.
my favorite part has to be Lauren’s awkward holy-shit-this-is-an-infant face when Stephanie mouth-farts “Robertooooo.”
I just want to remind everyone:
Lauren Conrad: $75,00 per episode ($1.4 million for Season Four)
Heidi Montag: $65,000 per episode ($1.25 million per year)
Spencer Pratt: $65,000 per episode ($1.25 million per year)
Audrina: $35,000 per episode ($665,000 per year)
Whitney: $20,000 per episode ($380,000 per year)
Brody: $10,000 per episode ($190,000 per year)
Lauren ?Lo?: $10,000 per episode ($190,00 for Season Four)
Stephanie: $8,000 per episode ($152,000 for Season Four).
Gross.
whitney’s not getting paid enuff.