Transformers 1 was a terrible movie. The opening sequence was pretty exciting, but as soon as they opened their mouths everything went to shit. Shut up, Transformers. And don’t even get me started on that scene where they’re tiptoeing through Shia LaBeouf’s backyard. Shhh, you’re going to wake up my parents, giant space robots! Oh no, not the bird bath! Woof. Needless to say, I have my doubts about the sequel. Doubts is probably the wrong word. Needless to say, I have my firm convictions in the inevitable terribleness of the sequel. Better. However, the teaser trailer was so good! I know that the movie is not going to be anything like the teaser trailer because that is moody and silent and cool, and Transformers 2 is going to colorful and noisy and stupid. This is a franchise based on toys and cartoons.
Well, yesterday a new trailer was released that leaves the dark violence of the teaser trailer behind, and brings us back into the eye-rolling world of Transformers 1, with hamball robot jokes, Megan Fox as empty sex object, and John Turturro. But one moment stands above the rest as being the singular reason that these movies fall so flat.
Look, I know how narrative progressions work, and the importance of generating viewer empathy to sustain interest for the length of a feature film. I’ve been to the Duh Academy’s Film School For Duhmmies. But who gives a fuck about these robots? Just make them punch each other. First make them shut up, and then make them punch each other in the robot face. That is what we are here for. If we wanted to see Nights in Roboanthe, we would go see Bicentennial Man. A movie in which giant robots punched each other repeatedly without saying anything while humans who did not care about them because they are robots, robots that turn into boomboxes and sports cars, tried to get out of the way would be great. And it would actually be less dumb than this.
You know what this is like? This is like someone making a movie adaptation of Rampage and Shia LaBeouf heart-achingly screaming out “RAAAAALPH!”
That is what this is like.
Full trailer, you guys: