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One morning, Simon woke up and was like “AHHHHHHH! We don’t have any WINDOW TREATMENTS!” And by one morning, I mean every morning. It’s called the McCord Alarm Clock. Every day at 7:00 AM, Simon wakes his family with cold sweat night terrors about something super gay. So, he and Alex go to Zarin Fabrics to get some window treatments in an attempt to quiet Simon’s demons. Jill is sure that she has just the window treatments they will be looking for. “Do you have anything in desperate self-denial?” Perfect. The babies go running wild and Jill makes an interview comment about how wild they are. You know, all the women on this show are constantly giving Alex and Simon shit for the way that they raise their children, which seems preposterous to me. Enuff, ladiez! I’m not going to talk about how the other children in this show are secretly shuttled off to fat camp or have dead wastrel eyes because they’re only children and they take a village or something, but the point is people who live in glass townhouses shouldn’t throw hand-polished rocks imported from upstate. Anyone who not only willingly puts their children through the stress of being on a reality show but reinforces to those same children that being on a reality show is a worthwhile thing to do immediately forfeit their parenting criticism rights.
Anyway, now that the dry heave panic of not having any window treatments–what every man goes through–is over, the renovations are done and it is time to throw a party! Exclusively for other castmembers of the Real Housewives! Sounds like fun! Wait, what did I say? Not fun. What’s the other word? Oh right, living nightmare.
One last check to make sure everything is perfect. Let’s just straighten those framed promotional postcards that we got from the cool dispenser next to the bathrooms.
And make sure that the impossibly ugly, like you would have to be an ugly scientist who’d made an incredible discovery in your field to invent this, light fixture is just right.
How does my oversized photo of Alice Cooper look?
Hideous? Perfect! Simon and Alex obviously told their decorator that they wanted their apartment to look like a Smirnoff Ice commercial directed by Lenny Kravitz in 1998. But a nightmare. “Oh what beautiful GE appliances you have!” “Yeah, GE is the best.” “I’m so glad we paid all our own money for these GE appliances that we picked ourselves because they’re just the best on the market.” “Thanks, GE. Thanks for making such great products, I mean!”
Elsewhere, LuAnn invites Kelly to her girls night out. More like insufferable man monsters night out! Naturally, the talk turns to dating, because if there’s one thing everyone on this show knows a lot about, it’s ways to deal with feelings of almost unbearable loneliness!
Kelly seems like a lot of fun, I hope she doesn’t die. When you hang out with her you’re going to do stuff, like kill yourself. If I went on a date with Kelly I would take her to dinner and insist that she order the bullet salad. Or whatever she wanted. She could order the poisoned steak with a razor blade reduction if she wanted. The important thing is that she cleans her plate.
Meanwhile, Bethenny’s “token gay friend”* sets her up on a date with a model. What’s he a model of? Middle age?
When they sit down to eat she orders a Skinny Girl Margarita?. Nice try. As if that’s going to convince me that they exist. That’s like me going into a restaurant (on my date/suicide pact with Kelly) and ordering a Signature Gabetini. And the lady will have your finest Drano.
Regardless of how the date goes, Bethenny has made a pact with her lovable gay hairdresser that when she turns 40, if neither of them are involved, they will get married, because they’re in high school, doing that fake promises thing that lonely people in high school do. When Bethenny tells Jill about this plan, Jill says “I actually see that for you.” Nice, Jill. What she means, of course, is that Bethenny is trying so hard to become an entrepreneur that it’s going to be nearly impossible for her to find time for a serious relationship, but what she actually said is “I think that a fake non-relationship with your homosexual hairdresser that you made up as a dignity saving joke to mask the desperation of your non-existent love life makes a lot of sense. I’m going to join you in pretending that that is a viable reality, because neither of us wants to deal with the fact that we’re getting older and our lives are increasingly void of any recognizable value or meaning.” That’s what she meant.
But the real treat of the evening, of course, was the Kelly v. Bethenny rematch.
Holy shit. You guys have no idea how often I’m going to start saying “have you ever heard of mountain and mole hill?” I’ll give you a hint: VERY OFTEN. That is hilarious. Kelly Bensimon, you are the dumbest link. Goodbye. She’s incredible. Children are like “you’re impossible to deal with.” Someone should put her in a jar of embalming fluid and display her in a curious science museum. “Dumbest Garbage Monster.”
When she dies, instead of a sepia toned memorial video of all the great things she’s done, it’s just going to be this on an endless loop.
1968-2009
Model, Mother, Disaster, Domestic Abuser, Demon Of Existential Sadness, Fucking Idiot
*Et tu, Bethenny? What is it with these women and their mildly offensive insistence on having and parading around a token gay friend? I know this show is on Bravo but that doesn’t mean everyone has to be Kathy Griffin.
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Gabe–they should give you a raise for that third video.
Kelly Bensimon is proof that any idiot can graduate from an ivy. Really Columbia? Now you can’t even make fun of Yale for letting George Bush graduate. Epic fail. Speaking of fails, Jill’s gay husband is a gay fail. I think it was the beginning of this episode that perfectly illustrated that. WHAT WAS HE WEARING? It was terrible.
She graduated from the School of General Studies at Columbia, not the College or the engineering school. Basically all you have to do to attend through GS is pay the tuition.
While that makes me feel slightly better about our esteemed universities, I think Columbia should maybe protect its image a bit better. Allowing any rich idiot to say that they attending your institution and graduated is not really a good selling point for actual students.
RHONY has officially become one of the worst/greatest things ever. I can’t even explain how watching these delusional/self-absorbed, talentless bitches enhances my self-worth and happiness. We shouldn’t laugh at tragedy but sometimes it’s the funniest thing to see. It’s why someone getting hit in the balls is eternally funny. There’s steady stream of soul-punching on this show that I can’t get enough of.
I believe the term is SCHADENFREUDE.
Yes! THAT’S how you use that word.
Was the asterisk after “token gay friend” supposed to do anything? Because I’m curious.
Yes.
There now.
There’s no way any of these women are under 40. No way.
I can’t get “Bethany STOP” out of my head. But seriously, I don’t care what you do on your own time. When you’re with me, we’re gonna do stuff.
FUCK letting the afternoon unfold
Was that Emeril in the Tombstone commerical?
Nope, Donna’s dad from That 70s Show.
What?
I think Alex and Simon hired their interior designer from Hot Topic
Kelly may be the worst person ever. I loved how she wanted to have a sane conversation to clear the air about things, then when Bethany HONESTLY tried that, Kelly just went kookoo-bananas again and did her whole “Bethany Stop” meme.
Seriously, in the land of the blind Housewives, Kelly is the one-eyed queen (or something like that).
“…and you think I’m high…” EXACTLY, Kelly. You are HIGH.
I was surprised that Bethenny didn’t run with that one.
Said it before and I’ll say it again, we are all dumber having listened to this. I award Kelly no points, and may God have mercy on her soul.
What about the Countess’ “let your hair down” comment??? HA HA HA.
Also, Kelly’s argument tactic of saying things like, “Ali’s a beautiful girl, you’re a beautiful woman…” etc etc is so amazingly transparent, hilarious to watch, and agonizing to experience when you’re the person someone like that is arguing with. It’s called a personality disorder, folks. Clinical shit.
I agree, K. “We are sitting in Ali’s room, this adorable girl, you’re a beautiful woman…” and “I love you in that Zac dress.” The woman is totally clinical.
And how in the world can Kelly not remember what she said in their previous showdown? She knows this shit’s being recorded, right? I mean….right?
Heroin. Either heroin or a serious addiction to stupid-pills.
It’s not just the GE appliances. The product placement in this show is getting ridiculous. I think every fashion show, red carpet event, purse, jewelry, dress designer, restaurant and shop they visit are all fake purchases strictly for the exposure the show gives them. When Jill made such a big deal out of the private luncheon and fashion show the Asian-designer-in-a-skirt was putting on for her and her friends during fashion week, then had to introduce herself to the other people there…strictly exposure for the designer’s new line. I don’t believe Simon could afford those earrings or that Jill bought that purse, either.
i always feel like i need a long shower with crying after this show.
monsters. every. single. one.
Your recaps of this show are the best thing ever. And I think part of that is because the show just BEGS to be mocked. Especially Alex and Simon. C’mon, Alex can’t wake up every morning and think “I am going to go shopping with my husband, which is NOT gay, and listen to him comment on my ‘smoking hot’ body while daydreaming about me with no boobs (cause she DOES have a man face) and a penis, and there’s nothing strange about that.”
I think I get what Kelly meant by “I’m up here and your down here.” It was a clumsy attempt to say at the fundraiser meeting, Kelly thought she took the high road while Bethany took the low road and made fun of her. Neither of them gets it.
Since when is calling arthritis “cute” taking the high road?
I think she meant that Kelly literally said she was “up here” (hand motion) and that Bethanny was “down here” (hand motion). No interpretation required.
Okay,
I’m going to rate the housewives based on who I would like go have over for dinner:
1. Jill Zarin. Normal; smart; caring; intuitive; funny; real; nice husband and daughter.
2. Tie: The “Countess” and Bethenny. Both smart, funny, accomplished, confident women. Can take care of themselves.
3. Alex. Weird, but surprisingly normal given her very strange husband. Smart. Accomplished. Just strange, and too much of a social climber…..
4. Ramona. Not real bright. Very, very shallow. Speaks before she thinks.
4. Kelly. Repulsive. Shallow. Vapid. Self-absorbed. Ignorant. Uneducated. Delusional. Ridiculously stupid. I’m not kidding about any of these descriptions about Kelly. I thank God every day that I am nothing like this vapid waste.
All right I’ll rate them by marry, fuck, kill….. Nope can’t do it. It has to be murder, death, kill, and the count is not funny.
God, I’m so sick of these shows trying to push the “fashionable gay friend” thing.
As a gay guy, I have nothing but disdain for these vapid demons, and would never allow myself to be some token friend of theirs. it’s so dehumanizing.
Give me a beer and let me hang out with real friends please.
Oh and Gabe, I don’t normally like to cry “homophobe”, but since I love you and want the best for you, don’t you think it’s a bit lame to be making fun of Simon so so much for perceived homosexuality? Not all homosexuals care about window treatments. I know you’re making fun of his pitiful self-denial, but still…the statements can come across pretty sweeping.