The episode opens in the middle of a My Fair Lady-esque dream sequence in which Blair tries to sell…herself…flowers in a fancy restaurant to pay for school and then is escorted out by Grandfather Archibald because “that dream is over.” What is it with this show and Victorian drawing room comedies? They don’t seriously think that’s what this is, do they? Because it’s not. Gossip Girl is to Victorian drawing room comedies what acid washed denim capris from H&M are to actual pants. Sure, whoever made them definitely saw pants before, but they missed a lot, and it all falls apart after a couple of wearings. Unlike this metaphor, which is forever. So, since she can’t go to college, Blair’s post-Constance plan is to become a socialite by joining the junior committee for the Whitney and also going to the rehearsal dinner for Nate’s cousin’s wedding. This means she’s going to miss Wallace Shawn’s Seder. Of course Wallace Shawn is having a Seder. I’m starting to suspect that the Jewish writers created his character just to get to this episode. Although, I’m surprised they didn’t O.C. it up with a Sedeaster.

When Blair meets Nate at the church, he tells her that he has a surprise for her, which is that he got into Columbia. Cool surprise! He says that he just wanted to see if he could get in on his own, without Grandfather’s help. Sure. Nothing but his plucky essay and the fact that everyone in New York seems to know who he is. Anyway, Nate is torn. And Blair doesn’t get into the Whitney Junior Committee. Or does she?! Grandfather Archibald tells Blair that he knows about Columbia, and that he would do almost anything to convince him to go to Yale instead. For whatever reason. This show’s devotion to and insistence on Yale as the only school worth going to makes no sense. Is Yale a subsidiary of Vitamin Water or something? Anyway, Blair is all like “I think that’s a decision Nate has to make on his own,” and Grandfather is all like “I think I just made a phone call and got you into the Whitney Junior Committee” and Blair is all like “Did I also get on the bridesmaid committee?” and Grandfather Archibald is all like [knowing smile] and Blair is all like “Yale is such a great school, I can’t wait to accept your bribe and convince my boyfriend to go to it.” Because Grandfather Archibald is an adult, and that is how adults deal with children. Through conniving and lying and bribery.

The question I have, though, is why did Blair settle for membership on the Whitney Junior Committee? Two seconds earlier Nate had said that all it took to get into Yale was a call from Grandfather. So why didn’t she ask him to call Yale and get her back in? No wonder she didn’t get into any schools. Dummy.

Meanwhile, Serena is back from her trip to Spain with Poppy, but something is weird. Chuck is like “I just saw Poppy last week, I wonder how she could be in two places at once,” and Serena calls Wallace Shawn and is like “I think I need a lawyer.” Did she not kill someone but get confused and think that she did kill someone but she didn’t but she’s so melodramatic again? No, it turns out that she got married to some clown named Gabriel. After drinking a ton of rioja. She drank so much rioja and then more rioja and then they got married. She loves rioja. She will not stop saying rioja. When Dan finds out he’s like STARING CONTEST!

Dan finds out because Serena went to Blair’s house (despite being grounded by Lily, in the first act of actual parenting in Gossip Girl history) to talk to Wallace Shawn, because what teenagers often do in times of distress and confusion is go to their best friend’s stepfather for guidance. And Dan was at Blair’s house because he is going to be a cater waiter at the Seder. The thing is, remember how Dan didn’t get any scholarships or financial aid for college because this show is make believe and glosses over the fact that borrowing money for school is incredibly easy because banks love this type of high-return investment? So, to help pay for school he decides to take a catering job, which is apparently offered to him on the spot, because of how jobs work. But he has to keep the whole thing secret from Rufus, because for some reason it’s weird for high school students to have part-time jobs? Anyway, you can imagine that things are about to get very complicated!

So Gabriel, Serena’s husband, comes looking for her, and Dan is like STARING CONTEST!

Then Eleanor invites him to join them for the Seder and he happily agrees and Serena pretends that she and Dan are back together, and Dan lets her, because Dan is a doormat. An annoying, arrogant, self-righteous doormat, but a doormat. And everyone is like “talk talk talk” and Wallace Shawn is like “oh no, my Seder!” and Dan is like “I’m pretending that I’m not working because otherwise my dad will know the disappointing fact that I’m a responsible young man who took his future into his own hands.”

Back at the rehearsal dinner, Blair can’t get Nate to go to Yale, and Grandfather is like “you have five minutes, because I am an adult, and I play high-stakes games with the lives of children.” But then Nate surprises everyone with a devastating toast! Although, it can’t be that devastating because they keep hanging out at the party for awhile afterward. But it was devastating enough, because then Grandfather throws Blair under the bus by telling Nate how he bribed her. Perfect. Get him one of these:

Nate doesn’t know what to do! First his Grandfather betrayed him and now his girlfriend betrayed him! He does the only thing that will bring him any comfort at this point. He creates hilarious sexual innuendos with Chuck Bass.

Speaking of outed, eventually everyone is. Gabriel tells Serena that they are not married. And she tells Gabriel that she was confused because she drank so much rioja and did she mention rioja? And Lily tells Serena that she got into Brown. And Dan tells Rufus that he got a job. And Rufus tells Dan that he’s selling the art gallery. And Chuck tells Jenny that he’s sorry he tried to date rape her a million episodes ago. And Wallace Shawn tells Blair that he’ll help her get into NYU. And Chuck tells Nate that Blair chose him over him. And Nate tells Blair that he forgives her.

And what the shit is this?

That is some Coming to America shit. And that is ridiculous.

Next week: