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I’m tired. Watching this show is like carrying a dead body over rocky terrain. Not that I have any idea what that’s like, and I’d be happy to never actually compare the two experiences. But it’s so much useless weight, and it’s amazing how long a half hour can feel. Because, the truth is that I am more willing than most to willfully suspend my disbelief, but when it is reported three days before a new episode that Heidi and Spencer are getting married for the season finale, I cannot honestly be expected to waste the golden years of my life pretending that I care that he’s fake flirting with a fake waitress and that Heidi fake walked in on him and fake confronted him and they fake broke up. And if the whole thing is just a narrative set-up for their happy reconciliation, which it is, because they get married, then they really needn’t have bothered. I don’t need to feel the threat of their relationship’s demise in order to enjoy the extraordinary excitement of their happy reunion. Because I don’t give a shit. Break up. Get married. Drop dead. It’s all the same to me. This episode was called “I’m Done With You,” which is about right.
So, Heidi and Spencer blah blah blah. Fake fake fake. At the end of the episode a waiter walks up after Heidi threatens to leave Spencer forever if he doesn’t go to couple’s therapy, and the waiter says, “can I get you anything else?” And Heidi says, “no, we’re done here,” which is just crazy how well that worked out, you know, for the drama, and it’s so lucky that the waiter agreed to let himself be taped and also has a SAG card and is a paid actor because BULLSHIT.
The real drama this week is with Kelly Cutrone:
She tells Lauren that she has an opening for a new intern at People’s Revolution now that Whitney left, whoever that is. Because that is how you run a business. When there is an opening, you find the person who doesn’t actually work for you but is simply a promotional tool to get your brand more recognition in the coveted 12-15 year-old market, and you ask them if they know of anyone who would be a good fit, because if anyone understands business and hard work it’s the girl who’s been a reality TV star since her junior year in high school.
Naturally, she “suggests” Stephanie. And then this happens:
Perfect. FIRE AND ICE. It’s like a clash of titans, if titans means two horrible people who are the worst. On the one hand, someone saying “my final objective in life is to have my own line of handbags” is obviously hilarious, and you should definitely hire them and make them the CEO of your company because they moved your cheese. On the other hand, shut the fuck up, Kelly Cutrone. I like that she “doesn’t read resumes” but then gives Stephanie a hard time about her resume? I’m all about giving Stephanie Pratt a hard time, but DON’T PLAY GAMES. And maybe the reason she didn’t understand your French, Kelly Cutrone, was not because she lied and doesn’t speak it (although I’m sure that’s true, actually, so is not JUST because she lied and doesn’t speak it) but because your French is terrible you pretentious, monster-faced Tommy Wiseau.
I cannot believe it’s taken that long for this comparison to be made. My bad, you guys. I’ll take the fall on that one.
Later, Kelly tells Lauren that the interview went horribly. So horribly, in fact, that she’s thinking of giving Stephanie the job, because it went so badly that maybe Stephanie’s a genius. Right. I mean, there’s no way to know whether or not Stephanie Pratt is a genius. If only there were seasons and seasons of televised footage of her so that we could know one way or the other whether or not Stephanie Pratt is a total genius. What’s most depressing about this whole episode is that Kelly Cutrone tries to pull all these power moves like she’s a tough shrewd business woman who doesn’t put up with nonsense, when the fact of the matter is that she has placed the success of her company into the hands of frivolous half-literate Birkin Hags. The Hills is obviously great (or terrible) marketing for People’s Revolution, and Lauren is the one in charge of whether or not it keeps being great (or terrible) marketing by deciding whether or not to stop in for 20 minutes and pretend to rearrange a rack of jeans on her way to the Cocaine Frappucino store. So relax, Kelly Cutrone. We know who wears the a-line summer-weight tie-dyed slacks around here.
Kelly Cutrone, I’m done with you.
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every day cake eatur, you make me day.
this is no life…
Seriously, this guy above me, can’t you remove his account or something? We’re done here.
If my 10 year plan is to create a handbag line………shoot me.
That wasn’t her ten year plan, it was her LIFE plan.
I don’t know, I found heidi and spencer oddly compelling this week. heidi had a small, ever-present smirk that made me incredibly uncomfortable the entire episode. a result of the ever-settling facial surgery? shitload of pills? or is it just true love?… I mean, I’ll know I’ve found that special someone when I meet a man whose idiocy is so overwhelming that a majority of his dialogue is impossible to comprehend, and he describes a therapist as “some random stranger who went to an extra YEAR of school so that they get to tell me how to live MY LIFE.”
I also love whenever stephanie strings together meaningless platitudes in an artless, uneasy way to convince heidi to stay in the relationship: “love doesn’t make sense, and no one ever said it was easy, because my brain is slowly rotting”
You’re tearing me apart, Stephanie!
So, I teach French to a bunch of undergrads, and today we paused our lessons in relative pronouns and reflexive verbs because I felt like it was much more important to screen this clip and talk about all the DOs and DON’Ts (Vice Magazine inspires like 93% of my pedagogical philosophy, no lie).
DON’T interview like that.
DON’T speak shitty French and pretend that gives you the upper hand. (Directed at Kelly, obvs)
DO assume that everyone in LA wants to start their own handbag and/or shoe line.
…and so on.
You have to connect with students on their level.
guys. remember chitty chitty bang bang?
remember the child catcher?
http://unsee.net/
please. INTO THE BAG WITH YOU
Pattybro, fuck Stephanie, you are genius. CCBB reference, too funny. Gold star.
If I don’t have to kill myself for admitting that I watched “The City”, I’ll admit that I watched “The City”. The same thing happened there, stupid slam piggy suggests that her best slam piggy gf is “perfect” for the open position at random business. Slam piggy 2.0 interviews for 5 minutes and gets the job.
REAL LIFE.
i hate that demon bitch who was interviewing. she looks like a zombie with the flu.
It’s so unfair that stupid airheads get ahead in life because they’re “famous” or have money!!! I am going to make a point of never buying this People’s Revolution crap. Kelly you suck!!! Stephanie you’re an idiot, but Kelly is the worst for the fact she would hire such a twit.
I make handbags specifically for people carrying dead bodies over rocky terrain.
whoever wrote this, i love you. you made my day. you are absolutely hilarious and 100% right about everything you just said.
whoever wrote this, i love you. you made my day. you are absolutely hilarious and 100% right about everything you just said.
Ha! Fantastic- Cutrone’s marble mouth French is the pits, but I maybe think my favorite moment is the half-second of genuine terror on Stephanie’s face before she says “print labels?”
You forgot that Stephanie asked if the labels were “sticky”. OH LOL.