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Over the weekend, CNN published what is easily one of the greatest headlines (and CNN has already raised the bar on great headlines over the past couple of years, right you guys? Seriously, what is going on over there in the Headline Writing Dept.? I will tell you: drug taking):
YESSSSS. Basically, we’re already dealing with perfection. So anything else incredible about this is just bonus. Well, guess what? The whole story is totally incredible bonus. First of all, the facts:
(CNN) — Woody Harrelson defended his clash with a photographer at a New York airport Wednesday night as a case of mistaken identity — he says he mistook the cameraman for a zombie.
The TMZ photographer filed a complaint with police claiming the actor damaged his camera and pushed him in the face at La Guardia Airport, according to an airport spokesman.
Smart. It gets better.
“We’re looking into this allegation and if it’s warranted, we’ll turn it over to the proper authorities,” said Port Authority of New York and New Jersey spokesman Ron Marsico.
OK, this just means that authorities are going to look into whether or not Woody Harrelson assaulted the photographer, but I would like to point out that the way this story is written, a casual reader could easily mistake this to mean that the Port Authority is looking into the allegations that the photographer was a zombie, and that is how I choose to read this.
But the best is easily Harrelson’s full defense:
Harrelson, who is being sued by another TMZ photographer for an alleged assault in 2006, did not deny his involvement.
“I wrapped a movie called ‘Zombieland,’ in which I was constantly under assault by zombies, then flew to New York, still very much in character,” Harrelson said in a statement issued Friday by his publicist.
“With my daughter at the airport I was startled by a paparazzo, who I quite understandably mistook for a zombie,” he said.
Yes, Mr. Harrelson. QUITE UNDERSTANDABLY. Obviously, if I was a lawyer, which I am not, I might poke a hole in Mr. Harrelson’s story by pointing out that YOU DO NOT PUSH ZOMBIES IN THE FACE. The face is where Zombies store most of their weapons (teeth). Shoving a zombie in the face is a really solid way to become a zombie yourself. And then I would rest my case.
But I’m not a lawyer. I’m just a really big fan of this wonderful story. I can’t wait until the release of Paparazzi 2: Blood Hunger.
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You know how in “How the Grinch Stole Christmas” the Grinch smiles and it keeps growing beyond all reason?
That’s me right now.
Could you imagine zombie paparazzi, they would totally eat your brain, take your picture, then get a shitload of money for having the first photo of you after you became a zombie! It’s the perfect way to get some $$$!
All I know is that come the zombie apocalypse, Woody Harrelson is gonna be the first guy I call. That dude is PREPARED.
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Thank you for the LOLZ, sir.
Then it’s settled, again – Kristen Stewart is not a bitch! She is merely defending herself from media vampires!
I think it was Woody who participated in the “drug taking.” But this somewhat makes up for that new age hippie documentary where he traveled around the country doing yoga on top of an RV he made years ago.
I remember a similar story about Jerry O’Connell after filming Joe’s Apartment.
The last time Woody was attacked by zombies he narrowly escaped by scaling the Golden Gate bridge. He has since been going to local schools to speak about how industrial hemp can actually reverse the effects of zombie-infection.
No Gabe, I think you meant, “Woody Harrelson is the Dankest, Son!”
I think when you start your job at TMZ, you should give up all rights to attorney. Hopefully this sends a message to all those zombie photographers.
I’m dying here, this is amazing! The laughter just won’t subside.
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