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One of our favorite Internet developments this year is the ubiquity of the “Would You Hit It?” headline. I’m sure this is much older than this year. People in caves probably painted pictures of bison with arrows pointing at their bison butts and scrawled “WOLD U HIT URT?” but still. It seems like this year it has become The Question to ask. What a horrible question! For one thing, it’s gross, and dehumanizing, and kind of sad. (It is also almost exclusively asked about HIGHLY HITTABLE people. No one is ever like, “Nick Nolte Mug Shot, Would U Hit It?” It’s just a beautiful person NOT WEARING MAKE UP while they get A CUP OF COFFEE. Gross? Unfuckable?) All of that being said, THERE ARE SOME PEOPLE WE WOULD WANT TO GET TO KNOW BEFORE WE HIT IT BUT WE WOULD DEFINITELY PROBABLY KISS IT AND WANT TO HAVE DINNER WITH IT AND ASK IT QUESTIONS ABOUT ITSELF. Here are our crushes of 2012:
Padma Lakshmi
PADMA! SWEET SWEET PADMA! I have a feeling that if we had also done this list in years past, by now Padma would be the senior most entry, hanging on through five difficult years, because that’s the kind of woman she is. Haha, just kidding. Did you read those quotes about her from Salman Rushdie’s new memoir? What a fucking nightmare. What a fucking beautiful, poised nightmare who loves eating just as much as I do. Let’s get three-way married, Padma! You and me and a full-length “skinny” mirror!
Dakota Johnson
As mentioned in the Best TV of 2012 list, Ben and Kate is a really good TV show and you should watch it. It’s good in no small part due to Dakota Johnson, who has such an easy and natural charm on the show that I “had” to look her up during the second or third episode to see who she was. DING DONG SURPRISE! It turns out that she’s the daughter of Melanie Griffith and Don Johnson. So, you know, her actual being a human being thing could really go either way. But she’s cute and fun on TV! And that is enough for US!
Hannah Simone
Hannah Simone plays Zooey Deschanel’s best friend on New Girl. Well, more accurately she plays Zooey Deschanel’s character‘s best friend on New Girl, but that felt too laborious, as if this is somehow less laborious?! Back to Hannah: she supposedly has a degree in foreign relations and political science, which, you know, kind of sounds like all of those early-00s rumors about how Ashton Kutcher was an astrophysicist or whatever, but in this case I am choosing to believe it. Also she is a stone cold fox. “Gabe, it seems like you have a bit of a thing for Indian women.” “You, mind your business. THE HEART WANTS WHAT IT WANTS! AND THIS HEART WANTS HANNAH SIMONE! OR PADMA! BUT ACTUALLY JUST HANNAH IF I REALLY HAD MY CHOICE! OK THIS IS GETTING CREEPY NOW!”
Jessica Chastain
We weren’t really that into Jessica Chastain until we saw Lawless and then we were, uh, totally into Jessica Chastain. We realize that she played a reformed prostitute in that movie, but everyone deserves a second chance, OK?! (On a similar note, we almost included Bérénice Marlohe, who was the main Bond girl in Skyfall, and yes, she is a pretty lady, but there was something weird about saying “wasn’t that former child sex slave smoking?” and not just weird for us, ALSO WEIRD FOR JAMES BOND, COME ON JAMES BOND!)
Carrie Brownstein
One hilarious, beautiful half of our favorite hilarious, beautiful Portlandia duo, and also a rock star. R U KIDDING ME W/ THIS CRUSH?
Aaron Paul
It was a tough year for those of us who are in love with Aaron Paul and deserve to be with him more than anyone else in the world, because we love him more than anyone else in the world ever would or could and don’t we all deserve to be with the one blogger who would love us better than anyone else? But we’ve learned to get over it. The world has to keep spinning, and crushes have to keep crushing, even if you can’t marry them anymore. R.I.P. We’ll love the fake you we’ve created in our mind (that the real you on Twitter continues to distort) forever, Aaron Paul!
Benedict Cumberbatch
Oh, Benedict Cumberbatch. It has been quite a year for this guy! It was even the year when some of us — certainly not all of us, but let’s just say some of us — watched Sherlock for the very first time, even though people told us to watch it last year, as well, and WOWOWOWOW! What a dreamboat! What a sociopath! What a weirdo! WHAT A DREAMBOAT! We had no idea he was such a dreamboat until we saw him as Sherlock (which is possibly because he isn’t necessarily a dreamboat otherwise?) (shhhhh), but now he is a very strong Top Crush.
Jake Johnson
Jake Johnson! The second New Girl cast member to make the Crushes list! That show is just FULL OF CRUSHES! Jake Johnson’s character on New Girl is actually a nightmare, but that is hardly enough to keep him from being a very attractive, sweet, hilarious nightmare that you’d like to hang out with in real life. And he was in one of our favorite movies of the past year, Safety Not Guaranteed! Jake Johnson, everybody!
Mark Ruffalo
Mark Ruffalo, from when he starred in both Kelly and Gabe’s favorite movie You Can Count On Me in 2000, to when he starred in one of Gabe’s favorite movies of the year The Avengers, has been consistently handsome and very talented. Also he just seems nice. He seems like someone who would show up at your door after you’ve had a bad day with some beers and takeout food that you never order because you’re out of the delivery zone but that you really like and he’d just be like, “Let’s not even talk about it. Want to watch TV?” Hahaha. Basically the dream man? He seems great. Love you, Mark. Love you in You Can Count On Me.
Idris Elba
UH, YEAH, NO DUH, KING OF THE CRUSHES.
(Main image via Shutterstock.)
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Uh, duh-doy. You totally missed out on CRUSH #1
why so serious??
I think he is disappointed that the only prize for winning the California Karate Championship was that t-shirt.
When I was younger, they used to give out satin jackets at some wrestling tournaments in instead of a trophy. What am I going to do with a jacket emblazoned with 6th place on the back?
I think the only answer is ‘be the poor man’s driver from Drive
“That kid can drive. He’s got talent. He’s not the best but still pretty good.”
When I was in Speech tournaments, I once got a trophy for being a finalist in an event that only had 5 people competing, so we were ALL finalists. It was the tiniest trophy, and they wrote “finalist” on it with a green Sharpie. I wish I could say that I still display that thing proudly, but instead I just filled it with coins and left a nice tip for the waitress at Outback Steakhouse the night I won it.
Oh hello.
Is it too early in the morning for me to hyperventilate?
I AM GOING TO GO DIE NOW THANKS.
I hope all the ladies reading this are using protection!
Not necessary. Women can only reproduce if they secretly want to. Everybody knows that.
“A woman’s body shuts down if she’s looking at a jpeg she didn’t want to see.” -Republican Party
Thanks, my ovaries just went into overdrive.
The ever suave and never dorky James McAvoy:
ha! what is this from?
I think Starter for 10, but definitely from my dreams.
I love that in your dreams, your crushes are the most spastic version of themselves.
I need more James McAvoy in my life.
So dreamy.
It’s definitely his quiet dignity that I find so alluring
24.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_ln4gz8PEae1ql7qv1o1_400.jpg
Clearly that picture is so dignified it won’t post. Now that’s some dignity I say.
Oh, definitely. Such quiet dignity, like a whisper.
Sorry, your picture of John Travolta did not load properly.
You make me so mad!!!! And hot and bothered.
This list gets my
Fassbender started the year off fairly strong, but then the dark horse candidate Cumberbatch pulled ahead for the win!
You have blown my fragile little mind. And I love you!!!
LOINS ESSPLODE
Seriously, Catweazle…this is the best christmas present I’ve ever received. I keep checking in on this picture just to make sure it’s still here.
I would not say no to a dinner date with any of those guys (and let’s face it, maybe one or two of the ladies).
Needs more Jennifer Lawrence.
Lovely, lovely Jennifer Lawrence
She was such a fox in Silver Linings Playbook! Super crush worthy. I hope I’m not too old to hold that opinion! Eh I’m probably younger than Bradley Cooper…
Agreed. She’s my kind of gal.
My Avengers crush is Tom Hiddleston. More Tom Hiddleston! (Full disclosure: I haven’t seen the Avengers but I’ve seen Thor so I can guess)
I am Sherlocked.
I have a hard time deciding between Benedict Cumberbatch 2012 and Jeremy Brett 1984, but I guess the tie goes to Cumberbatch because he is still alive.
I disagree with these selections.
Instead of The Gummy Awards, would you like to share your own personal Woodie Awards?
I think you forgot to mention the REAL crush developed watching Lawless…
How dare you ruin this page of adorableness with such filth!
Everything was getting way too sexy in here. I had to keep the balance…
…Even Steven.
That’s the worst picture of Tom Hardy I’ve ever seen.
You guys forgot my favorite crush:
HIT METER RATING: 7 hits. At least. And a kick, too.
Needs more banana sweaters.
A bananas and a little broadway boogie woogie? I can dig it, mon(drian).
De stijl, my beating heart…
<3
I know it’s the super obvious selection, but am I to assume we’re living in a post-Gosling crush world? Because that’s no world I want to be a part of.
Most of the people who already had crushes on him had their souls stolen when they stared into his dead eyes, and are thus unavailable for polling.
Jon Hamm was GIVING it away this year and he (and lil Hamm) didn’t make it?! C’mon son.
You guys forgot about me.
They also forgot about this guy:
Hologram Tupac was a huge 2012 crush in the hologram community.
Who did I celebrity crush on in 2012 (besides all those already listed)?
Hmmm. This is tough. I mean, I’ll always crush out over Lizzy Caplan, but she didn’t pop up too much this year, although she would hat-trick this post’s New Girl cast, AND she was in a tie-in short film for the Avengers, which puts her in the upper-echelons of people I like in Avengers-related things (Ruffalo, Elba, etc).
You know what? I talked myself into it. Lizzy Caplan is worth a mention. She’s always worth a mention.
Also, Emily Blunt in Looper. She did a great job.
I’m sure she was good in The Five-Year Engagement, but I did not see that movie.
But speaking of that movie, Chris Pratt and Alison Brie are very crush-worthy.
(P.S. Dakota Johnson is also in the Five-Year Engagement [thanks, imdb]).
Also, holy moly Eva Green.
Emma Stone, who apparently stood right next to me waiting for a parking garage elevator a couple weeks ago and I did not notice her, only to have my friend point it out later as we were walking to my car, who thought I was playing it REALLY super-cool and that I was jut oblivious to my surroundings, i.e., my normal waking state, will always be a big crush of mine.
***…who thought I was playing it REALLY super-cool and not at all that I was just oblivious to my surroundings, i.e., my normal waking state…
*…who thought I was playing it REALLY super-cool and not at all that I was just oblivious to my surroundings, i.e., my normal waking state…
(P.S. If this comment shows up twice, it’s because one of them is awaiting moderation because I used too many asterisks at the start)
I like the curmudgeon character on The New Girl, probably because he reminds me of me and I’m a raging narcissist.
I think I lost my crush on you the day I really wanted to talk to you and you weren’t in chat even though you were CLEARLY online and that day was and is today. I hate you.
My real crush this year was on the Obamas. They seem wonderful… or at least like real human beings.
For you:
8)
SPEAKING OF: I miss Lewis Simon.
I’d hit that.
-Fox News commenter
‘Ello!
SERIOUSLY.
GUYS!
Bing! Bing! Winner!
With a late entry:
Benedict Cumberbatch was crush number one for me this year. Martin Freeman has been a long time crush of mine, and Sherlock has just made that stronger. I am also crushing on Echo Kellum, who plays Tommy on Ben and Kate. His character is great, he has great comic timing, and he is a cutie.
Oh, Glamazon…I feel like we are meant to be besties…..but I will fight you to the death over Cumberbatch.
It will be an honor to face you in battle.
Yoohoo Gabe! I’m Indian with a penchant for nice, Jewish boys.
I will admit I have a huge crush on the “Yo is this Racist?” guy.
GUUUUYYYYYYSSSSS. I just popped in to say hi! I know no one will read this but whatever! I’ve missed you all! Seriously. My life has been super cray since starting the new job, especially with the holidays and whatnot. I’m hoping everything calms down some after the New Year and I can get into more of a groove with my job and will be able to get back on here and talk to you fine folks.
ANYWAYS, obviously, everyone here knows my crushes so good job putting my #1 2012 crush on the list. Richard Armitage deserves a shout out too I think for making me feel really weird about being attracted to a dwarf (see also: Aidan Turner.)