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The movie theater lights go down. People stutteringly bring a premature end to their conversations, and there are a few bright flashes as cell phones are checked one last time before being ensconced in pockets. There’s a hum of anticipation in the air that is only amplified by the MPAA screen that attends each trailer like some kind of green lid on Pandora’s Box. What will this one hold? What brief and teasing glimpse will we have to some exotic adventure? Dare we even open it? This is the magic hour, although it only lasts 10 minutes. HAHAHAHAHAHAHA WHAT IS THIS CREATIVE WRITING CLASS FOR ASSHOLES? Movie trailers, you guys:
Carrie
This is a teaser trailer for the remake of Carrie starring Chloe Moretz. Next trailer please!
Jack Reacher
Sometimes things are born into existence in such a full and complete way that you cannot imagine how the world ever survived without them. For example the Internet. And running water. But mostly the Internet. And now we can add Werner Herzog as a Hollywood big budget movie villain to that list. Are you kidding me? How has this not been the case in every movie ever made? So great. (It is silly to pretend like “Military Police” is going to be a real thing that we are all fascinated by, but whatever, who cares, this movie looks great.)
Save the Date
OK-Dokey! This looks good. I like romantic comedies a lot, but I don’t like when it is like, “I threw a gypsie’s coin into the Spanish fountain and now I have to choose between a football player and his tycoon dad!” I also like the idea of movies about real people going through real situations except sometimes these days nothing actually happens in those movies and it’s just about two people sitting on a porch step talking about time travel or whatever. So this looks good! A grounded romantic comedy about people going through a real thing, and with that cast? Yes.
The Man With The Iron Fists
After all those years of making references to kung fu movies in their songs, rapper names, and album titles, it is nice to see the Wu Tang Klan dropping the charade and just going for what is real. You go get it, boys!
Alter Egos
I can’t wait for the ’90s to be over so we can go back to superheroes just being superheroes and not being, like, mopey guys with identity crisis issues and/or teenagers with sewing machines and comic book fetishes but no actual powers. We get it, guys! You’ve deconstructed the mythology. Now get out of the way, because I want another taste of that sweet, sweet mythology!
The Great Gatsby
And Roger Ebert said videogames couldn’t be art!
Arrested Development Documentary
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Arrested Development is right there on the edge of joining the list of Things That Were Great Before Being Ruined By Overexposure On The Internet. See also: cats, James Franco.
Counterpoint: no it’s not. It’s the best thing in the world and always will be and I love it very much.
I feel this way about Franco.
Sexy Chloe Moretz! (Too soon?)
Yes.
Alas. She seems to be more of an adult than I am.
Ugh, I can’t believe when Gary objectified Chloe Moretz earlier. She’s a child! Why are we even all friends with that guy?
Finally, Gary pays off for Hotsur. We’ve come full circle.
Hakuna Matata, old man fatima! Today is a good day!
GODDAMMIT.
I guess there must have been two books called The Great Gatsby and I read the other one?
Yeah, you’re thinking of Da Great Gatzby
As someone who read the Jack Reacher novels, I’m very disappointed at the idea of Tom Cruise playing this character. A tall, thuggish character will now be played by the shortest guy in the entire movie.
Sigh.
But he’s prettier than Ron Perlman and Mickey Rourke combined!
So now there’s a rule in Hollywood that Spider-Man and Carrie have to be remade once a decade?
I wish they had just made a movie version of the musical.
I am enjoying the juxtaposition of the Arrested Development Documentary trailer immediately followed by the statement, “One person likes this.”
Hey, I noticed Sean Lennon is doing the music for Alter Egos!
That’s all.
Haverchuk is marrying Annie? Now that’s a dream wedding.
I was wondering what this movie was called because I cannot remember. Also, it is not the mothman prophecies, I don’t think it has mothman in the title, but I could be wrong.
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