Variety reports that Hollywood has finally stopped ignoring the clamorous and incessant demands of the American public, and there will be a new Ernest movie. Phew. I was getting worried there for a second! It seemed like the crowd might turn violent! Obviously, Jim Varney, who played Ernest in all of the Ernest movies, died 12 years ago (R.I.P.) so it won’t actually be an Ernest movie, but a whole new spin-off franchise set in the Ernest universe, called Son of Ernest. America is all like. It makes sense, though. The kids of today don’t want their granddaddy’s Ernest. They want something fresh and new, something dope for their chill eyes. Here are a couple suggestions for how Hollywood can pump up this already great idea so that it is a total rager:
- Ernest Jr. Goes To The Apple Store: Ernest Jr. needs to buy a new roll of duct tape to fix a hole in his tent but he ends up in the wrong store by accident and now he’s a famous “food blogger.”
- Ernest Jr. Goes To The Transformers Planet: Ernest Jr. accidentally walks onto a space shuttle and finds himself on the planet where all the Transformer robot alien things are from. One of them develops a crush on Ernest Jr. and tries to get him to marry her.
- Ernest Jr. Goes To Prom: Ernest Jr. puts on his finest church suit to go to prom only to find that he’s the only person there. Nobody goes to prom anymore, dweeb! #FAIL
- Ernest Jr. Goes To a Hostel: Ernest Jr. wins a European vacation on the back of a bag of cereal. When he checks into his hotel, he thinks everyone is just acting “French,” but little does he know, this is where wealthy businessmen pay millions of dollars to dismember human bodies!
- Ernest Goes To Korea: Ji gum bu to gal de ka ji ga bol ka. Oppan Gangnam Style!
Any of these will work, Hollywood. Just pick one. Or make them all! Coming soon to an Android-enabled phone near you.