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When I was a kid, my family went on a camping trip, and we visited what was supposedly the tallest sand dune in America. Or the steepest? The point is that we visited a very tall and steep sand dune. Running down that sand dune was so great. What a wild ride! But from the bottom, at the edge of a lake, where someone had used rocks to spell out “Help Us” (seriously), the top of that sand dune suddenly looked impossibly high. Why, the top of that sand dune might as well have been in space. As we made the trip back up, every footstep slid back in the sand; the hot burning sand, under a hot unforgiving sun. My family separated, everyone realizing that this was a personal horror that they would have to suffer alone. After the first couple of minutes, no one spoke. The corned beef hash and eggs over medium (because I like things the way I like them) that I ate for breakfast began to repeat on me. If I’d had the energy to even think of anything other than blind, Sisyphean dedication to getting to the top of that relentless mountain, I would have run back down to the beach and used one of the Help Us rocks to bash my face in. It took over an hour to get back to our car, and no one in my family has spoken since.
You might think I am telling you that story as a metaphor for what The Hunt has become. That with every terrible movie viewed, it only uncovers new terrible movies for consideration, so that the future stretches out like one impossible, endless wasteland. But no. This is not a metaphor. The point is that for the first time in my life, I wish I was back ankle deep having corned beef hash burps on skin cancer mountain because it beats this march.
After the jump, the newest round of Worst Movie nominees.
- The Last Kiss
- Dreamcatcher
- Pay It Forward
- Butterfly Effect
- Ballistic: Ecks vs. Sever
- Bulworth
- Hanging Up
- My Blueberry Nights
- Max Payne
- Reign Over Me
- Margo at the Wedding
- Crank
- Desperately Seeking Susan
- August Rush
You know how they say that when you’re in a car accident, or a plane accident, any kind of transportation accident really, that you can see your whole life flash before your eyes? This is kind of like that, except that it’s not the past but the future, and it’s not a flash but a drawn out scream. And there’s no one to sue.
As always, the rules, for your reminder and your consideration. Learn them.
- It cannot be intentionally horrible.
- It must have at least one A- or B-list movie star in it. (No “outsider art.”)
- It cannot be Glitter. (Or Crossroads.)
- It has to have had a theatrical release.
- It must be available on Netflix.
- No matter how bad the movie, it cannot be based on a popular superhero.
- Addendum: no musicals.
- Addendum: No Robin Williams movies (Addendum: In a lead role. Supporting roles will be considered on a case by case basis)
- Gabe is the boss.
See you guys on the other side.
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Good bad choice. I’m curious how you’ll be able to handle them all.
You are truly a brave man, Gabe.
Try Mannequin with Andrew McCarthy and Kim Cattrall. Ridiculous start to finish. I can’t wait to read your take on Pay It Forward.
What?? I love Mannequin! It brought me my first crush on a movie star ever! Plus, the soundtrack, come on. Nothing’s gonna stop us now!
I second Mannequin, because I suggested it before. And it’s a really bad movie, I don’t care how much some of you people love it. It belongs on the list.
But nobody is allowed to say anything bad about my Teen Witch!
oh i’m so excited. a movie i nominated is being considered! and it’s pay it forward! i have no words, just joy.
I’ve been waiting for that one too. Kevin Spacey and Helen Hunt, plus Haley Joel Osment? Felt like a bad late-’90s hangover.
crank!?? come on, it’s purposefully bad. would you do a WMOAT on “the room?”
Desperately Seeking Susan. THANK YOU. Whoever nominated this THANK YOU. I actually watched this for the first time last Saturday and was confused at why Madonna got props for “acting”. That was her. Those were her clothes. She probably helmed the whole fucking idea and that idea was bad.
Also I can’t wait for The Last Kiss, never seen it. Don’t want to, but I just want to know how really bad it is.
I’m still throwing Oprah and Danny Glover’s “Beloved” for my nomination.
What is going on, I love Desperately Seeking Susan. Aidan Quinn!!
Buy chocolate, a bottle of wine and a boquet of flowers for when you apologize to your eyes for making them watch Max Payne.
no The Happening? But ‘Crank’ and ‘Max Payne’? I mean come on, those movies wanted to be bad. And Reign Over Me is nowhere near funnily bad. It’s just not that great. But why no The Happening?
Videogum has already done extensive coverage of The Happening. We even did a radio interview about it.
http://icestream.bonnint.net/seattle/kiro/2008/06/0617200813819.mp3
Second of all, I’m not sure I believe you when you say “those movies wanted to be bad.” I’m pretty sure what those movies wanted was “to make a billion dollars.” They are totally valid, and they have been nominated numerous times by numerous people.
But most importantly, and this is a clarification that I find needs clarifying every few months: any movie is a possible “nominee.” Ain’t no nostalgia in this shit here. And if a movie is really as “just not that great” as you say it is, then that will come out in the wash. The blog wash.
Props to Dreamcatcher, though. I think a giant opportunity was missed by not including ‘Ghost Rider’. If you watch that while stoned, you just can’t stop fucking laughing at Nicolas Cages’ hair and the fact that a lot of the movie you’re watching a photographically real flaming skeleton with a biker jacket say things to people. Not that I get stoned.
There should be an addendum to the rules about comic book movies and movies based on video games. I fully expected Max Payne to suck.
You guys were on TBTL?
If you watch crank and somehow don’t fall for its charms, and then somehow convince me that it is actually bad I will be truly impressed.
The WMOAT post for Dreamcatcher is guaranteed hilarious.
Pay It forward is worth watching if only for the Helen Hunt child abuse panic drink scene. If it was edited down to that 2 minute scene it would probably be my favorite short film.
I think it’s safe to say that the Pay it Forward review will be epic.
Yes, I’m sure it’s going to be amazing. However, I think if you’re going to torture yourself with that movie, you might as well go all out and watch the entire Sappy Trio: this movie, Patch Adams, and Mr. Holland’s Opus.
I can’t believe Face/Off didn’t make the list. Or Sister Act.
I may be wading into unfriendly waters here, but Face/Off is not a bad movie. I think it’s one of the best in the 90s unfortunate obsession with dumb action movies. I mean, compared to Con Air? Face/Off wins. It had some damn good action, the premise was ridiculous but fun, and the acting was surprisingly solid. Doesn’t warrant consideration for worst movie. In fact, in a showdown of bad 90s action movies, it would come out on top. I said it.
Dan S, you must be taking crazy pills if you think the acting in Face/Off is solid. I agree with you that it’s interesting to watch, but it is horrible. There is a five minute scene where Cage (who is actually John Travolta, wearing Nic Cage’s face) takes some drugs in a loft somewhere and actually says “I want to take his face off” like thirteen times. Cage in Face/Off is almost as bad as Kevin Myspacey in K-Pax.
Yes! Face/Off needs to be on the list too!
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why so in denial, videogummers?
Honey, check the site, it would be like nominating Michael Moore’s Canadian Bacon. -5000.
MAAAATTTTT DAAAMMMOONNN
Is that the order you are doing them in as well???? I ask because i have actually seen the first 4 but none of the others. Anxiously awaiting butterfly effect.
This is an EXCELLENT round. As in excellent at smelling like a used diaper filled with indian food.
My sincere thanks for taking Max Payne, and my sincerest apologies for the payne it will cause you. (its badness was NOT intentional, i assure you all)
God help you, Gabe.
“Ballistic” and “August Rush.” THANK YOU GABE.
Hooray for The Last Kiss! It is the worst.
Last Kiss hate-orgasms happening all over the country right now.
This is the first time I’ve seen someone call Crank bad. Crank is a giant explosion of fun.
i agree that crank is intentionally bad and shouldnt be up for contention. can’t wait to read the dreamcatcher one though. that piece a crap stole my money!
I’m having a hard time picking a single Vin Diesel movie. Or a single Nicolas Cage movie. So I’ll just recommend Wild Wild West.
‘I Love Trouble’ A romance between Julia Roberts and…Nick Nolte. The first film i ever walked out of as a kid, and i’ve sat through an awful lot of crap.
Doesn’t August Rush kind of count as a musical?
The Last Kiss aside, I know you are really going to hate August Rush. Really, really going to hate it.
Pay it Forward… The hunt is over.
I guess your “rules” leave ‘Popeye’ (http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0081353/) stongly out of contention… A musical starring Robin Williams that is (debatably) about a cartoon superhero (?)
and it’s by Robert Altman with music by Harry Nilsson! Popeye is classic.
I don’t want to be an a-hole because I love this feature and think it has been wall-to-wall crappy movies, but yeah, Crank… Crank is exactly what it is supposed to be, which is a “bad” action movie. I’d go so far as to say it is almost satire. You say they aren’t supposed to be intentionally bad, and I feel like Crank violates that. Also: Crank isn’t that bad! I’ll be shocked if you can really hate it, because Statham is good in it.
Butterfly Effect, on the other hand… just wait for the granola bar scene.
Oh, and I nominate “Against All Odds.” Seriously. I just watched it the other day because I thought it might be a taut, steamy thriller. It is not taut. There is nothing steamy. There are no thrills. AWFUL.
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“Anything by Woody Allen” is a little all encompassing. Dreamcatcher is the only movie I walked out of.
I don’t know. I’ve never finished a Woody Allen movie without it making me want to get the fuck out of nyc immediately. the only thing worse than the fake hollywood type is the pseudo-intellectual ironically neurotic new yorker.
I love you man. Not for what you said but your icon.
I like his movies, except for that nervous fella that’s always in them.
Please please please kill Margot At The Wedding. I don’t think any of the others would be as rewarding to tear into.
this is right. margot at the wedding is painfully bad.
I’m going to wait patiently for The Dreamers to appear on a WMOAT list.
Oh, and any Ewan McGregor movie post-Trainspotting.
i haven’t seen “the dreamers,” but i have seen “stealing beauty” and it’s definitely on my worst list. gabe, please watch “stealing beauty.” also, for laughs you should watch “love songs” (can’t nominate it for wmoat because you won’t consider musicals anymore).
anyway, the newest round of movies makes me bored for you, gabe. good luck!
Can’t wait to see the review of Bulworth – that should be amazing.
How has legendary Shaq vehicle Kazaam not made it on this list yet? Also, Very Bad Things or Stag (which is essentially Very Bad Things but somehow much worse).
YOUR BONES WILL BE MY DINNER
I have only seen 2 of those.
Desperately Seeking Susan was good for it’s time I think. It was during Madonna’s heyday. I so wanted to see it when it came out but my mom said no way. Madonna was a bad influence on 13 year old me.
And apparently I am the only one who liked Butterfly Effect. I am not ashamed to say I saw it twice.
Crank was intentionally bad bossman gabe.
I agree, at least it didn’t pretend to have a story. It was just an excuse to blow shit up. JE VOUS CONTREDIS, GABE!
no reservations. srsly.
“Object of My Affection” starring Paul Rudd and Jennifer Aniston. Its about a girl that can’t find a boyfriend that falls in love with a homosexual who happens to be Paul Rudd. LOL @ Lindsay’s favorite Paul Rudd movie.
My Blueberry Nights, more like My Blueberry FINISH THEM!
and pay it forward! all pretty girls from school loved it- now it’s going to be my special “look who’s successful now” moment. sorry guys, this is so fucking exciting.
Is there some reason Pearl Harbor hasn’t been considered? I mean that movie is terrible AND it degrades our nation!
August Rush is #1 in my WMOAT bracket.
Silent Hill. I know it seems too obvious, but it’s not your normal terrible video game movie. First off, fairly respectable cast (Sean Bean, Radha Mitchell) and the director of the acclaimed movie, The Brotherhood of the Wolf. It tries desperately to be something much more than a normal video game movie by really sticking to the notoriously convoluted, abstract plot and tone of the video game series. This results in numerous hilariously pretentious, nonsensical sequences. And the CGI gore is just absurd. A true “Oops, you made that” masterpiece.
Is Dreamcatcher the “shit weasel” movie with Jason Lee? Ooh, this is like Christmas – I can’t wait!
Is there a Top 5 made up yet? Or is there like a March-Madness-style (topical!) bracket? Because I’d like to know what’s in it to win it with Bicentennial Man and Elizabethtown.
I think Bulworth has a real chance to come from behind (ahead?) and take the lead (bottom?) in the running for the WMOAT. He’s a politician who raps! And black people LOVE HIM. And he’s also Warren Beatty. That is all.
Max Payne seems a little recent though: It’s not even a year old. Doesn’t a movie need to age, like horrible wine, before it can be sampled and spat on the floor in disgust?
I suggest you sub in another of Mr. Wahlberg’s masterpieces: Planet of the Apes. Horrendous, overblown, nonsensical, and brain dead. Where did the horses come from?!?!
YES YES YES OH MY GOD I CAN’T WAIT FOR NEXT WEEK.
Self-validation for life, check.
I’ll say it again The Haunting of Molly Hartley
Gabe you’ve outdone yourself with this list!
Wonderful. Just wonderful. And to cap it off with the true worst movie, August Rush. Things couldn’t look any more THE WORST.
I know for a fact that Crank was written in 3 days during a drinking binge.
Really.
How about Bats from 1999 with Lou Diamond Phillips?
I have to say I’m not sure something Crank really counts. It is in no way attempting to be anything other than the usual driving-based garbage helmed by that bald guy. And really? Desperately Seeking Susan? What’s next – Earth Girls Are Easy?
Boxing Helena, please.
PAAAYYYY IIITTTTT FOOOORRRWWWAAARRRD.
Can’t wait for that post.
Speaking of shitty Kevin Spacey movies, I’d also recommend American Beauty but everyone I’ve ever met seems to think it’s actually a good movie because everyone I’ve ever met is insane I guess.
Its an overrated movie to be sure, but far from WMOAT material.
I am pumped to see Bulworth ripped to shreds. I want to beat the person who recommended that movie to me into hospitalization. Old white man rapping while young Halle Berry pretends its acceptable? *vomit*
Putting Crank on the list is such a fucking failure. Crank is great, It’s purposely absurd, ridiculous and horrible. That’s kind of the point. The movie is just suppose to be fun. And if you don’t have fun watching that movie, then kill yourself. No, I mean seriously. Kill yourself.
Also, Reign Over Me is not a bad movie by any stretch of the imagination. People just see it and go “WHAT?! THAT’S ADAM SANDLER! HE THINKS ITS COOL TO PISS HIS PANTS! 9/11?! THAT’S STUPID! PISS YOUR PANTS, ASSHOLE!”
Yeah, that’s what you sound like. It’s not cute. You’re ugly.
This list looks epic but I HAVE to nominate The Brothers Grimm with Matt Damon and Heath Ledger …. and then apologize profusely for making you sit thru that cuz that is the only movie I’ve had to walk out on and demand my money back
Oh wow, I would have suggested that movie long ago if I hadn’t repressed it from my memory. It’s all coming back to me now.
Gabe, you have to include The Brothers Grimm!
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What? I think you were already insane.
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Crank is one of my favorite dumb movies of all time. They realized how ridiculous the premise was and ran with it. Hell, the tagline for Crank 2 is “You thought he died. He got better.”
Dreamcatcher was filmed in my hometown (Bacward one-horse land). The only OTHER claim to fame for the town is having also been where they filmed Reindeer Games. Glad to see it here! And also- Reindeer Games nom!
Isn’t my blueberry nights a Kar Wai Wong movie? I haven’t seen it, but in the mood for love is pretty classic. and Crank definitely succeeded at what Shoot ‘Em Up failed to pull off – being the quintessential action film while parodying the action film. Crank 2 will be a horrible failure, but I’ll still see it.
I thought Dreamcatcher was HILARIOUS! Mostly because I knew if I didnt laugh I’d cry, I’d cry so hard. Can’t wait!
You guys.
Wendigo.
what about that movie with john travolta as an angel? i think its called michael…? i nominate that. it was pretty awful.
oooh good one. but i feel it would be necessary to do a double-feature with phenomenon.
i dare you to make it all the way through Chain Reaction, you giant smelly pussy. I DARE YOU!
i haven’t seen august rush so i cant say either way, but isnt it a kids movie?
It is a weird remake of Oliver Twist. So, i think it was supposed to be fun for the whole family, maybe? (i kinda liked it, almost. but I have appalling taste.)
Alone in the Dark. So bad it haunted my dreams. The kind of bad that you can’t stop thinking about, no matter how hard you try. The plot holes and the acting actually are mentally painful. Starring Christian Slater and Tara Reid, directed by Uwe Bol. Can’t ask for much more.
yes! Tara Reid plays a “scientist,” a fact that is conveyed to the audience by her glasses, too-tight button-up shirt, khakis, and her hair done up in a bun. She is amazing, as is the rest of this movie (amazingly painful). Would make for a great review, and a sure top 5 contender!
I think most of you people missed the entire point of Bulworth. His awful rapping was on purpose, and while it does get grating in parts, that’s not even close to what the movie is really about.
Darnit my nomination of ‘How to Lose Friends and Alienate People’ didn’t make it. But I would also like to put in another Josh Harnett travesty ’40 Days and 40 NIghts.’ Did he really think not having sex for that long would change the fact that he was a whiny little bitch? Oh and why didn’t MIami Vice make this list?
i’ve been asking for ‘miami vice’ for months now. apparently you and i are the only people who saw that movie because if people had seen it, they’d know that is has WINNER written all over it for this competition.
also, p.s. why are people too dumb to read the rules?
Friends and I watch bad disaster movies as drinking games, and “Chain Reaction” was a goodie! It hit most of our typical Hollywood disaster movie checklist. But the king of bad disaster movies is “The Core.” It stars Aaron Eckhardt and Hillary Swank and is AWFUL (awfully wonderful!). I also kind of liked Sean Connery’s 1979 disaster flick “Meteor.” It walks the line of kind of bad and kind of badass. I think you’d like it Gabe.
Also totally randomly: I nominate Chasing Amy, which I loathe.
ummm ditto…The Core with Hilary Swank. She is worst actress of all time. The core of the Earth stops spinning and scientists have to restart it with bombs. Wha??? Yikes…I was trapped on a plane watching that awful garbage…
oh no no no no, take out “desperately seeking susan” I love that movie! It’s cheesy yes, but that is why I love it. so take that out. thank you. Insert Mannequin, that is a piece of shite right there.
Yeah. Weird choice. I’ve only been reading this for a few months, but I don’t even remember that one being nominated.
Good picks. Because it hasn’t been suggested, i assume nobody else has suffered through Joseph Fiennes and Winona Ryder in “Darwin Awards”. It’s a level of bad I don’t think even Gabe could handle.
Greatness of earlier Wong Kar Wai movies only makes funnier how My Blueberry Nights are the worst. And by funnier I meant so fucking sadder.
Alone in the Dark
Alone in the Dark
Alone in the Dark
ALONE IN THE DARK!
http://www.netflix.com/Movie/Alone_in_the_Dark/70000504?lnkctr=srchrd-sr&strkid=488316187_0_0
Mr. Brooks
Thinner.
That’s all.
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I’m going to keep plugging for The Quiet. It’s like “The Little Engine That Could” of bad movies.
Gabe, I only want to encourage you in this one-man suicide mission. The pain and suffering you will be experiencing will help us to heal.
My only request is that you double the length of each review. No short reviews. Good luck.
I’m gonna keep suggesting The Last Kiss in the comments, just for the nostalgia factor.
I would also like to nominate Dreamcatcher for Worst Book Of All Time. THAT BOOK JUST MADE ME SO ANGRY.
You cannot be serious about MargoT at the Wedding. It was supposed to be painful! It was about excruciatingly horrible people! Way to lump difficult subject matter in with film hackery. Why don’t you just attack Night and Fog.
Come on. Don’t alienate the devoted followers of this thread.
Gabe, you know you cried when Anders said that.
Bangkok Dangrous, if you please.
Bangkok Dangerous, if you please.
“Addendum: No Robin Williams movies (Addendum: In a lead role. Supporting roles will be considered on a case by case basis)”
Yay, House of D is still in play!!!
Windtalkers for the next round.
It obviously is trying to be a standard dramatic war movie, and is based on the Navajo translators in World War II, a theoretically strong premise. Instead, it has Cage in it, terrible acting all around, is riddled with war movie cliches, and every war scene is about as crappy and overdone as such a scene can get. I spent most of the movie laughing at the terribleness of it all.
dude, bulworth was awesome.
and pay it forward was cool, too.
Love, Actually.
Pleaaaaaaaaaase. I saw it over the holidays and got my hate back.
Gabe, you can do it justice. Every frame is painful.
Crank is intentionally horrible, which is your first rule for what a WMOAT nominee could not be. The movie never once took itself seriously and was not trying to be important. When a movie does something tongue in cheek they know they are doing something intentionally shitty.
Crank is intentionally horrible, which is your first rule for what a WMOAT nominee could not be. The movie never once took itself seriously and was not trying to be important. When a movie does something tongue in cheek they know they are doing something intentionally shitty.
cant wait for the august rush one. dumbest movie ever….i see no appeal to it and all my girl friends go crazy over it.
no hate for ‘Cold Mountain’?
I won’t rest
THE LAST KISS
Was this dune in Colorado? Because my elementary school used to take us there for feild trips ALL THE TIME.
vertical drop, sleeping bear sand dunes, MI?
More bad films:
“Benny and Joon”
“Go”
“The Life of David Gale”
“Pauly Shore is Dead” – the worst Pauly Shore movie, for now.
Hang on a second…. Jay Mohr is in Pay it Forward…. I’m beginning to see a pattern emerging.
Dreamcatcher is the worst. Exhibits A, B, and C: Shit weasels, Jesus Christ Bananas, Duddits.
Furthermore, I don’t think anyone thought The Last Kiss would be any good. Dreamcatcher had Morgan Freeman. The Last Kiss had Zach Braff iIn a world where Rachel Bilson and Jacinda Barrett could be love interests for a guy who looks like Zach Braff without his Scrubs syndication dough. Therefore, Dreamcatcher wins.
Yes!! Yes!! Can’t wait for August Rush review. Sweet justice!
Hancock. Hands down, worst movie I have ever seen. 200 cigarettes sucked too though.
Two words: Georgia Rule. I died a little bit on the inside knowing that someone else may have to watch that movie on purpose. I’ll take a marathon of Robin Williams movies any day, just don’t make me watch that fetal abomination of a movie ever again.
I died a little on the inside by suggesting it…
I loved Margot at the Wedding.
RED PLANET. Val Kilmer is awful! I’m surprised he wasn’t included on the denied list.
I might be venturing into touchy territory.. but what about TWILIGHT? Doesn’t the thought of glittery, pedophile vampires just get you high?
“hang on tight, Spider monkey!”
My suggestions are
K-Pax
What Women Want
John Q
Rumour Has It
not sure if its available on Netflix yet but How To Lose Friends and Alienate People has to be up for something
Already did K-Pax. Check the archives. You’ll be pleasantly surprised.
Oh good I thought I was the only subjected through the torture of ‘How to Lose Friends and Alienate People.’ Good to know I’m not the only one who knows it should be nominated.