It was almost exactly two years ago (Oct. 18, 2010) that we first met Katherine Chloe Cahoon, and since then she has been a constant and important presence in all of our lives. Between her self-promotional infomercials for the self-published book she wrote about how to pick up Italians at Oktoberfest to her web series for ladies, Pillow Talk, which ran for one whole episode, to her must-have guide to fall fashions in which she nervously whispered about last year’s coats in a Neiman Marcus dressing room: Katherine Chloe Cahoon has become OUR generation’s Lena Dunham. It is hard to remember a world without Katherine Chloe Cahoon, and why would you want to? She’s a National Treasure, I’m sure. But today, with the release of her latest video, a 14-minute behind-the-scenes look at how she made a music video (?!?!?!?!) because “people kept demanding one” even though she is neither a singer nor a musician, it is finally time to ask the question: WHAT IS KATHERINE CHLOE CAHOON, THOUGH, FOR REAL?!
Gabe: first of all: what?
Kelly: I DON’T KNOW!
Kelly: I hardly even know how to express how much I do not know
Gabe: ok, so she is making a music video
Gabe: but she isn’t a singer
Gabe: so you might be wondering
Gabe: how has she goTTen herself into this?
Gabe: and why does she pronounce her T’s thaT way?
Gabe: some of these are old questions that we have never satisfactorily answered
Kelly: Well I do know that lots of her fans have wriTTen in
Kelly: Asking her to make a music video
Gabe: i do like how katherine chloe cahoon always just jumps in head first
Gabe: she just reminds you of the obvious facts
Gabe: 1. she’s katherine chloe cahoon
Gabe: 2. she wrote that book we’ve ALL heard of and read and love
Gabe: 3. she’s making a music video, obviously
Gabe: why would someone like her let the simple fact that she is neither a singer nor a musician get in the way of making a music video?!
Gabe: and then it turns out that the reason is because there were arTicles wriTTen that mentioned she was a dancer?
Gabe: WHAT FUCKING ARTICLES ON WHAT PLANET AND HOW DOES THAT STILL EXPLAIN WHY YOU ARE MAKING A MUSIC VIDEO IF YOU DON’T HAVE ANY MUSIC!?
Kelly: And how are people contacting her and what are they saying
Kelly: I at least would like
Kelly: If she is going to claim that ANYONE asked for this
Kelly: Some sort of quote from a fan
Kelly: “You should make a music video!”
Gabe: right, not that you could trust her
Gabe: it would obviously just sound made up, because of how it would be made up
Gabe: “John, a reader in Texas, said ‘Katherine, please make a music video.’”
Kelly: hahah yes
Kelly: But there would at least be some effort put forth to convince anyone
Kelly: Of anything other than that she just wanted to make a music video
Gabe: as you can see from this footage, she spent most of her life parked on her couch, writing away
Kelly: The life footage that we all have, yes
Kelly: What is your question about it?
Kelly: Do you not film yourself blogging?
Gabe: ok, so basically, she is making a music video because one time she took a Zumba class?!
Kelly: For free, too
Kelly: Luckily she has so many friends
Kelly: Willing to offer their time and skills and spaces and jets
Kelly: For no cost
Kelly: Just to be able to contribute to this wonderful effort
Gabe: all of her friends are actors
Gabe: she doesn’t know a single person
Kelly: THAT’S WHAT I HAVE TO BELIEVE!
Kelly: How does she know anyone
Kelly: What do people think
Kelly: when they talk to her?
Gabe: iT is greaT To see you
Kelly: We haven’T spoken in quiTe some time
Gabe: whoa, hold the presses
Gabe: all of her videos have zero budget?!?!?!
Gabe: but they are such amazing videos!!!!!!!!!
Kelly: I. KNOW.
Gabe: most of us
Gabe: if we were not musicians
Gabe: and we did not have any money
Gabe: would not make a music video
Gabe: but Katherine Chloe Cahoon, a normal human being who seems real and who talks right and is real
Gabe: won’t let any of those things get in her way
Gabe: WHAT THE FUCK IS SHE?!
Kelly: I don’t know!
Kelly: My theory is that she grew up in a closet in a house made of gold, speaking to no one until age 16
Gabe: she has tried to get the rights to great music for nothing in the past
Gabe: FOR WHAT?
Gabe: she just says things
Kelly: She really does just say things
Kelly: It doesn’t matter at all
Kelly: What their basis in reality is/if they have one at all
Gabe: so she meets this piano player and this singer
Gabe: what does she tell them?
Gabe: “Guys, I’m making a music video with ballet shoes and a private jet set in a restaurant for no money and all I need is music”
Kelly: “I used to dance. You understand.”
Gabe: and they both said “you got it”
Gabe: “let’s work together to make this real thing happen for some reason”
Gabe: ok, hold on
Gabe: if you look at the white boards behind her
Gabe: she just writes
Gabe: “Rob Katie, Denise, and Me”
Gabe: over and over and over again
Gabe: THIS IS MADNESS
Kelly: She is like Jack Torrance except less in touch
Kelly: “I HAVE TO FINISH MY MUSIC VIDEO I HAVE TO DO MY WORK.”
Kelly: At one point she says:
Kelly: “TJ, who operated the flying camera–”
Kelly: The flying camera?!??????
Gabe: this project was too complicated for her mom or dad to operate the camera
Gabe: what’s complicated about it? it’s nothing!
Gabe: like, a music video is definitely too complicated
Gabe: for a mom or dad with a flip phone to make
Gabe: but considering that this is not an actual music video
Gabe: i think they would do great
Kelly: She talks as if she isn’t the one who, first of all, CHOSE to make a music video for no reason
Kelly: And second of all
Kelly: Decided every single thing that would go in it
Gabe: out of nowhere!
Gabe: out of thin air!
Kelly: As if this tremendous project just fell into her lap and she has goT to make it work for $0
Gabe: as if she has to get this read for the State of the Union Address
Gabe: “i had no money and the SOTU was 12 hours away”
Gabe: “how was I going to make a music video for Harry Reid with no restaurants?!”
Gabe: you’re a lady, right?
Kelly: Me? Yes.
Gabe: what is the shirt that she is wearing?
Gabe: OH WAIT, SORRY, SHE IS TALKING ABOUT HIGH HEELS FOR 10 MINUTES
Gabe: 14 and a half minutes is how long she needs
Gabe: to tell this story
Kelly: Can you believe that she got a heel a full inch higher than a person recommended, but didn’t realize until she got to her hotel room?
Gabe: not a second more or less than absolutely necerssary
Gabe: she hired a hot guy who had “played the lead in several productions”
Kelly: AHHHH everything about this video is incredible
Gabe: WHO ARE YOU? WHAT PLANET DO YOU COME FROM? WHAT IS THIS VIDEO ABOUT? WHO IS GOING TO SEE IT? WHY ARE YOU?!
Kelly: Who refers to their ex-boyfriend as a “hot guy”
Gabe: wait wait wait
Gabe: 8 and a half minutes in
Gabe: this video about nothing
Gabe: there is a break up?
Gabe: will they even make the music video for the song that doesn’t exist for no one to ever see?
Gabe: what is this shot of them kissing in a room with no lights?
Kelly: That part is ridiculous
Kelly: Because she talks about how it was originally supposed to be her boyfriend
Kelly: But then they broke up and she got a new guy, but then the first scene they had to film was the kissing scene
Kelly: But, like
Kelly: Why was that the first scene they had to film?! Who decided that if not her?!!?!?!
Gabe: WHAT IS THIS? I KNOW I KEEP ASKING YOU THE SAME QUESTION, BUT IT IS BECAUSE I DO NOT KNOW WHAT IT IS!
Gabe: oh good
Gabe: an upskirt shot
Gabe: on the piano
Kelly: hott hott hott
Gabe: very sexy and human
Gabe: “this is how humans sit on pianos”
Gabe: she is such a Men in Black 4 alien
Gabe: stuffed into a stupid body
Kelly: That isn’t a bad theory
Gabe: so many dance rehearsals
Gabe: to make sure this music video is perfect
Kelly: So many illnesses
Kelly: That they had to just dance through
Kelly: Because the public needed the video ASAP
Gabe: on the one hand
Gabe: i do hate everything about this
Gabe: and on the other hand
Gabe: i could watch it forever
Kelly: Hahah oh
Kelly: I had NO TROUBLE
Kelly: Watching it for 15 whole minutes
Kelly: It is so crazy
Kelly: I just cannot figure out
Kelly: What this person is
Gabe: i’m 11 minutes in and i have no idea what she is talking about still
Gabe: like, ok, she had dance practice?
Gabe: for what?
Gabe: what is the dance practice for?
Gabe: is this still Zumba class?
Kelly: What do they other people at dance practice think it’s for?
Gabe: she is going to take a salsa class
Gabe: thank god
Gabe: finally, she is going to take a salsa class 4 HER FANS
Gabe: KATIE GOT A HIGH FEVER AND I GOT A SHARP PAIN IN MY BACK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Gabe: this is the most complicated project ever committed to film
Gabe: his friend ian
Gabe: is a singer
Gabe: who was in town
Gabe: opening for jay leno
Gabe: so she wrote him
Gabe: into the video
Gabe: because he likes to have fun
Gabe: “my publisher said that i needed to create a blog”
Gabe: WHERE ARE WE NOW? IS THIS THE SECOND ACT?!
Kelly: Where she denies having a trust fund
Kelly: “I just have access to a lot of money”
Gabe: i love that she needed a private jet
Gabe: in order to dress up
Gabe: in a horrible outfit and carry her own suitcase
Gabe: just like the glamorous stars do
Kelly: “So, so, so — that’s A LOT of sos.”
Gabe: WAIT, WE DO NOT EVEN GET TO SEE THE MUSIC VIDEO!!!!!!
Kelly: NO GABE
Kelly: This is just a sweet taste
Kelly: Who knows when she’ll be done ediTing it
Gabe: this is called a teaser
Kelly: She does it all herself and there were a lot of scenes.
Gabe: a 14 and a half minute
Gabe: OK, well, I am going to pose the question once more:
Gabe: WHAT IS SHE?!
Gabe: tel me!
Gabe: tel me what is her?!
Kelly: I don’t know! I wish I knew!!!
Kelly: I wish I could meet her and interact with her
Kelly: Because she certainly doesn’t seem human, but does she NEVER?
Gabe: i am pretty sure
Gabe: you could do that if you wanted
Gabe: that seems VERY doable
Kelly: You think?
Gabe: obviously, as you can tell from the footage, she is just inundated with writing projects
Gabe: but she has to take a break sometime
Gabe: to make music videos
Kelly: I guess what I can do is stage a music video and ask her to dance in it
Gabe: god, what the fuck was that? seriously. what was it?!
Kelly: An odd person with a lot of family money, creating fun for herself and putting it online
Kelly: What I wonder is if she knows that it is nothing
Kelly: Or if she really thinks that, like
Kelly: This is something people want
Gabe: i know you are supposed to fake it until you make it
Gabe: BUT WHAT ARE YOU MAKING?!
Kelly: She is fascinating in how I just do not understand at all anything about who she is or what she wants
Gabe: i feel just as lost as before, with no answers
Gabe: perhaps we will never know what katherine chloe cahoon is
Gabe: maybe that’s the point?
Gabe: she is a metaphor for life
Kelly: So, so beautiful, yet heartbreaking, confusing, and pointless
Kelly: I think you figured it out
Gabe: Life = Katherine Chloe Cahoon
Gabe: Katherine Chloe Cahoon = Life
Kelly: Cahoona Matata