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Yesterday morning we all awoke to the surprising news of a Moby Dick re-imagining that actually sounded great. (And also sounded like things that have already been done, but sometimes you have to be happy with what you’re given because we are all going to die soon and who has the energy.) In order for the universe to right itself, this morning we have to awake to the news of a Moby Dick re-imagining for television that just sounds like every re-imagining of anything, ever, and also is directed by M. Night Shyamalan. It’s what we deserve, you can’t argue with that! Deadline:
In his first foray into network television, The Sixth Sense writer/director M. Night Shyamalan has teamed with Eagle Eye writer John Glenn for a drama project, which landed at NBC with a put pilot commitment. Titled Lost Horizon, the project hails from Sony Pictures TV and Shyamalan’s Blinding Edge Pictures.
The premise is being kept under wraps but I hear Lost Horizon revolves around a small fishing village on the East Coast. It is being described as a modern-day Moby Dick, dealing with obsession and the unknown, themes that are often reflected in Shyamalan’s movies.
“Call me Ishmael on my iPhone 5.” “Tweet me @Ishmael, please RT cc:@whale.” “Bruce Willis was a future robot whale the whole time.” And so on. Thank goodness the world has restored itself to what we remember, a place where almost every piece of news of a reboot or re-imagining is dumb and unnecessary and pretty much just the old story set in present-day. PHEW. We can breathe easy again! Get another cup of coffee! I don’t know why, just do it, you deserve it and need it!
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In the end, they cut open the whale and find the mangled remains of a puppet that had been turned into a real boy, and it turns out Captain Ahab was Geppetto the whole time.
The twist is that…oh, fuck it. I can’t write another one of these jokes. Who even cares anymore?
And with that, you have discovered the latest twist.
“This Moby Dick reimagining is my white whale!” -some douche producer in Hollywood
sitting beside a whale sized pile of cocaine
His true white whale….
Well, that sure is an idea.
Also, the Moby Dick big read is great. Tilda Swinton read a chapter!!!!!! Also Stephen Fry, but I think we all know who I am more excited for (Tilda. Always Tilda)
http://www.mobydickbigread.com/
i’m kinda sad that, when i lived in boston, i didn’t go out to the new bedford whaling museum’s moby dick read-a-thon. but, then again, it happens in january, and for a girl who woke up to a 75 degree day this morning and thought it was a bit chilly, i remember that in january in boston i was too busy crying and cursing my life to even think about going anywhere.
The twist is in this version Ahab quotes liberally from Wrath of Khan.
Moby Dick: Ahab, you’ve got the ship, but you don’t have me. You were going to kill me, Ahab. You’re going to have to come down here. You’re going to have to come down here!
Ahab: I’ve done far worse than kill you, whale. I’ve hurt you. And I wish to go on hurting you. I shall leave you as you left me, as you left her; marooned for all eternity in the center of a dead planet… buried alive! Buried alive…!
Moby Dick: AHAAAAAAAAAAB! AAAAAHAAAAAAAAAAAAAB!!!
i can picture the reviews now, “…5 episodes in, and not a whale in sight, yet the screen remains consistently filled with blowholes…”
Placing bets on the twist: Either the whale was a detective in untramodern San Francisco the whole time and it’s really a metaphor for gay rights, or else M. Night Shyamalan was behind the good-sounding version of Moby Dick the whole time.
it requires a strong moral principle to prevent me from deliberately stepping into the street, and methodically knocking people’s hats off
Modern day east coast, Ishmael is a detective, whale is a serial killer.