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First of all, my apologies in advance for the fact that there are TWO Nic Cage trailers this week. That’s two many! It’s not my fault. I didn’t create the universe or even any of these trailers. I’m apologizing the way you apologize when someone breaks up with their girlfriend or something. “Sorry, man.” It’s not your fault and you didn’t do anything and there’s nothing you could do, but you know, just as a courtesy to express your sympathy for the human condition. Second of all, let’s get to it because there’s a bunch of trailers this week and a couple of them make me really mad!
Butter
I’m not a big fan of any movie, comedy or thriller or otherwise, where they clearly picked some weird hobby for the central theme of the movie. Like that Wesley Snipes movie about bank robbers who love base jumping? Come on. So it’s like, butter carving? Blah. But the cast is obviously very good, and Rob Corddry seems to be both funny and sensitive, and parts of the trailer are compelling enough, so I’m willing to give this one a chance. Congrats, Butter.
Passion
I feel like if Brian DePalma invites you over to his house for a dinner party, everything is super dark and shadowy and all of the place settings are some chromatic checkerboard shit and everyone wears severe suits, especially the women, and they just take turns yelling “Oh shut up, Brian DePalma.”
The Impossible
Well, there we have it. The worst movie of 2012. I like Ewan McGregor and I LOVE Rachel McAdams, but it is almost impossible to say how infuriating this trailer much less this movie make me. 230,000 people died in the tsunami in 2004, but oh OF COURSE we need a movie about one brave WHITE FAMILY’S heroic tale of survival. Fuuuuuuuuuuuuck youuuuuuuuuuuuuuu. Obviously, that is some racist shit, but I also love that we are supposed to believe that somehow a wealthy white family on vacation who gets separated in the devastating natural disaster will not be reuinted unless someone hand-searches every rescue tent. As if they wouldn’t just find each other in the first class cabin on the way home. It’s one thing if someone died, but if they’re all alive, THEY WILL FIGURE IT OUT. Not that there’s any dramatic tension whatsoever since this trailer clearly shows them finding each other so who cares fuck this movie in the face until it dies.
The Barrens
Haha. Just go home? “I’m seeing things that aren’t real. Let’s keep camping.” Go home! Guys, go home. Who wants to go home? Everyone? The kids didn’t even want to go camping in the first place. Let’s just go home. Ooooh it’s nice at home! I’m glad we’re home.
The Frozen Ground
What is this? I know it’s not a movie trailer because it’s disjointed and weird and stuttering and has no narrative focus or aesthetic appeal. So what is it? Please let me know in the comments!
Stolen
I don’t know who you are. I don’t know what you want. If you want money, there is no money. But I can tell you this, I have a very special wig. A wig that makes me a nightmare for movies like you. Get under the bed, you’re about to be Stolen. TWO NIC CAGE TRAILERS IN A ROW IS TWO MANY!
The Magic Life
There’s this idea, and I don’t know where it came from, probably Eat Pray Love, but it’s this bastardization of the American Dream that suggests that you should be able to do whatever you want in this world and make a living and be famous for it. That’s not true! The American Dream said that if you worked hard, you could have an even higher quality of life than your parents, but work is still work. It never said, if you love your favorite hobby enough anyone else will give a shit. Look, I hope that every aspiring magician in the world becomes rich and famous doing what he/she “loves,” but documentaries like this suggest that it’s somehow unfair if someone is struggling, or that they are brave for pursuing an impossible dream, and I’m not entirely sure I agree with that. The reason it’s hard to make a living as a magician is because NO ONE LIKES MAGICIANS. So, that’s just a fact everyone’s going to need to face. So, no, I don’t feel bad if someone wants to make a living at something that it’s virtually impossible to make a living at and has trouble making that living. Those are the rules! I love taking naps, but you don’t see me explaining how hard it is to make any real money taking naps because that’s not a thing. We all have to do things in this world that we don’t necessarily want to do because that is called LIFE. Someone who can afford to live in New York as a real estate developer and pursue his love of magic on the side is NOT a sad case. THERE ARE PEOPLE DYING OUT THERE. Enough. But this is annoying is my point.
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Never apologize for Nic Cage! Anything bad he does is not his fault! Dude is the greatest actor in the world, because he sees the vision that a director has, and GOES WITH IT. If it’s a bad movie, he is very, VERY bad in it! But he’s also been very good in some very good movies! He’s a pro!
It’s weird that everyone doesn’t realize that he totally knows what he’s doing
Exactly. I think he pretty much said about as much about his experience working on “The Wicker Man”, realizing what he was doing was absurd and just going with it 100% anyway.
So, on a semi unrelated note* – is anyone still watching True Blood? This season is just as terrible and ridiculous as all the season before, but now there are so much more annoying religious plots!
Wallace’s mom from Veronica Mars was in the last episode, and her scenes were so weird. She did a herky jerky dance and kept talking about Ke$ha and Boyz II Men.
It would really help me out if the networks would cancel this and America’s Next Top Model. I don’t know how to quit some of these awful shows! And ANTM starts again tonight.
*Vampire Bill is in one of the movie trailers, so this seemed as good a place as any to bring this up.
I only watched the trailer for Butter but I have to say that I’m very excited to see it because it’s clearly about Iowa which is where so much of the story takes place and I love Iowa and their love of butter carving. I think most of the state kind of has a tongue-in-cheek approach to their love of butter carving and it looks like the movie goes for the same spirit.
I can only imagine the outrage on the Butter Carving reddit when the movie comes out and inevitably GETS IT ALL WRONG
ok the shot at 0:38 in The Barrens (aka The Shining in the Woods) trailer: are those CG trees? Why are the trees CG? You do know that there are actual trees, in the actual woods, that you wouldn’t have to pay an animator to make? Oy vey.
on that last point, my mother recently rolled her eyes and said “it’s so silly that people your age think they need to like what they do. it’s called work for a reason.” and i almost went off on the Krispy Kreme “work on yer dreams!” rant. but watching “The Magic Life” trailer makes me want to agree with her. but i suppose the appeal of movies like this are just like reality shows and lifestyle porn, in which we sit and watch, imagining ourselves not dying at our desks. we like to enjoy the fantasy and wish fulfillment that one day we, too, will revive our idealism and do something radical. but deep down we really know how silly that is and don’t chase our dreams out of complete fear of failure. so it’s thrilling to watch people actually go after their own.
It’s like that old saying about doing something you love means you’ll never work a day in your life. so i guess it’s just a good lesson that will lead to many more blogs about trampoline accidents.
There’s a pretty big middle ground between “do something you hate that pays well” and “expect to be able to make a decent living half-assedly pursuing whatever hobby you enjoy at the moment.”
If you don’t have completely unrealistic expectations, you should be able to find something that is a viable career that you don’t mind doing (or else you’ll end up working retail).
I can’t watch any of these at the minute because I’m at work, but I jut wanted to say that my birthday is on the 30th and my brother is coming this weekend and as part of my birthday present he bought me the movie of our favourite trailer, Lockout. Remember the Lockout trailer, guys? “He’s the best there is. But he’s a loose cannon!” So good. I’ll give you a full review of the movie on Monday. I have pretty high hopes.
HAVE THE BEST BIRTHDAY EVER!!!!!!!
Thank you! We’re taking sailing lessons this weekend and next weekend is the Rockabilly Festival!!
Guy Pearce is a revelation in that movie. I’m so damn serious. I loved it an unhealthy amount.
Guy Pearce is always a revelation, even in some of the most jarring old man makeup.
The Proposition, L.A. Confidential, Memento, his small role in Hurt Locker, as Andy Warhol in Factory Girl, The Road, The King’s Speech, Rules of Engagement, The Time Machine, etc.
Some of these aren’t the best films (some are definitely terrible), but no matter the quality of the writing or directing or cinematography or whatever else can go wrong in the production of a film, Guy Pearce is always worthy of mention in any of them.
Is that the space movie? With the loose cannon and the girl from LOST getting LOST in space but also she’s the president’s daughter? That actress gets abducted a lot.
ALSO: HAPPY EARLY BIRTHDAY!!
Wow – that trailer was fucking hilarious. Thank you.
Oh man, the horror movie universe must have like 5 square feet on the entire planet that is not the site of some sort of ancient evil or another. Maybe they should look into having evil free zones of some sort.
made even more evident by the recent Nightmare on Sesame St., Gnome of the Living Dead and Teletu – BEES!!!! movies
I’m seriously disappointed in you Gabe. You make us watch a trailer for The Barrens and then don’t follow it up with a joke about Bill’s hallucinations being caused by overdosing on Vampire Blood. It’s like forcing you to recap 2 seasons of True Blood taught you nothing.
Gabe I understand your point about the tsunami movie, but it says more about America’s taste than the filmmakers. You show me an Indonesian star that can pack American movie theaters, and I’ll show you a studio that will shell out 100 million+
johnny depp can go ethnic
Do people only watch movies if they have white people in them, or is that all the studios are offering? Which came first, the racist chicken or the mindless consumer egg?
Well back in the day you couldn’t even put a black person on screen, you had to put a white person in Al Jolson blackface. Of course we have guys like Sam Jackson who is as I understand it the most profitable movie star in history, but he had to earn his way up. Studios will take a risk on a pretty white new face way before a person of color. Sometimes it blows up in their faces like Taylory Kitsch, who was in not only John Carter but also Battleship.
I’m sure it’s a bit of both. There aren’t really any Indian household name action movie stars (in the US) that could guarantee a built-in audience the way they’re probably counting on Ewan MacGregor to do.
But the fact that there aren’t many big name Indian movie stars (in the US) is probably a byproduct of the ongoing theory that US audiences won’t go see a movie starring non-white actors.
Either way, that movie looks like Hallmark Channel garbage.
Maybe I’m behind on my movie trailering, but I think Stolen is the first one that has used an actually announcer in a long time.
Sometimes I watch old trailers and it’s funny how quaint they sound with all the narration.
No such thing as too many Nicolas Cage movies. Or have you just not seen Zandalee? It’ll change your mind about him!
I think a movie about someone who didn’t survive the tsunami might present some serious limitations to the narrative, no?
Do you LOVE Rachel McAdams? Or do you LOVE Naomi Watts? WHO DID YOU MEAN, GABE??? I need to know how you feel about both of these actresses!
Thank you! That irked me! Because I LOVE Naomi Watts. Hubbahubbahubba…
“Fuck this movie in the face until it dies” – Way to ruin the twist ending Gabe
Jesus christ, was The Magic Life funded by a Kickstarter campaign or did it just appear out of thin air? I do not understand.
All trailers were beautiful yet what touches me most is “the impossible”. Ewan McGregor portrays his character well.