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So listen: we all enjoyed ourselves with “The Room,” but it’s time to turn the knob and get up out that shit. Not that your spoon-throwing isn’t adorable, not that Tommy Wiseau’s self-aggrandizement isn’t charming, not that it’s not a masterpiece all the way around, but you’ve got to keep things fresh. Otherwise, you turn into “The Rocky Horror Picture Show,” which, have you gone to one of those lately? You have to sign waivers and sit through a sexual-harassment seminar before every midnight screening. Gross.
I want to save you from all that. I want to show you “Ben & Arthur.” Will you give me verbal consent to do so, before I continue?
Great. “Ben & Arthur” is a movie about the battle between gay people and religious people, starring and written and directed by someone who has never met any people. Will you check this out please?
0-1:24 Just in case you missed that name, Sam Mraovich is the star, producer, executive producer, editor, casting guy, director, craft services lady, production assistant, line judge, tot mom and music editor of “Ben & Arthur.” He is also a licensed cosmetologist in the state of California. And the first time we see him, the licensed cosmetologist who made every decision in this film, he is lying in a heap on a filthy bed, fully clothed, shoes and all. Buckle in.
1:25-2:43 Here we take nearly a minute and a half to toddle toward a piece of information we could have covered in five seconds. Why not this:
Ben: Hey, Arthur! Did you hear? Same-sex marriage is legal in Hawaii!
Arthur: Oh, good! I was awake doing things when you called, because it is daytime!
Instead, we get this. I’m not complaining, I’m just saying that if filmmaking is a language, Sam Mraovich is on some “Nell” shit.
2:44 If you were wondering why five full hours needed to elapse there, I’m not spoiling anything when I tell you that you will never know.
2:45-3:08 By now, you won’t be surprised when I tell you that ol’ Sam is confused about how civil marriage works. If same-sex marriage were legal in Hawaii, only residents of Hawaii are affected. Thanks to DOMA, same-sex couples are only legally married in the state where they got married. Plus, at the time when this movie was made, same-sex couples had access to civil marriage in Vermont, so if they wanted to go have a legally-non-binding ceremony somewhere, they could have gone there. Or just stayed home and done it in front of that weird painting, which SPOILER ALERT will move around the apartment throughout the film.
3:09-3:30 Montage. Rock-steady motivational jam. Character development. Ben is bringing his receipts with him on his nonsense marriage vacation. You are starting to get the feeling that you know how batshit this is going to get. YOU DO NOT.
3:30-4:37 Arthur knows exactly which page to turn to, yet has to read the entire article- which was written by a 4th-grader- to understand the gist of it. But hey, you have to admit- the chemistry between these two guys is scorching hot.
What follows is the best tantrum ever caught on videotape, and right now I’m just going to get out of your way and let you enjoy this on your own. It’s all up on YouTube (ten more installments’ worth!) and I might just post all of them on my Tumblr later. I’d advise getting it on Netflix and sharing it with your friends.
But if you’re going to start doing midnight screenings, leave me out of it.
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The soundtrack from The Sting? TOO SOON.
(RIP Marvin Hamlisch)
Did anyone else keep reading the title as “Bea Arthur”, and get really excited, only to have their dreams and hopes shattered by a cruel, cruel world?
Sometimes when I would go hiking with my dog in Griffith Park, I’d see some jackass filming and being super annoying about it (making a box with his fingers, wearing a beret) and I’d laugh in their face. Then I’d feel bad because that’s kind of mean and I’m laughing at their idiocy and their dream. Considering I know *exactly* where those trees are, I don’t feel bad anymore. This guy definitely blocked his scenes by making the little box with his fingers and thumbs.
What I’m saying is, this is terrible.
The other day I was walking to the metro from work and some guy stopped me to say he was making a movie and would like me to be in it. I said no because I figured if you’re getting approached on the street by the 18 year old “casting director” it’s probably either a sexy movie or something like this. I could have been a star… No regrets.
Did he look like this?
Gary? Is that you? It kind of looks like your hat on the floor, but… did you get a haircut?
Nice try, hotspur. Gary only makes good movies like “Man With Cone” and “That Awesome Night.” His work is lauded on many continents for its honest, heart-wrenching comic portrayals of how the human spirit can overcome adversity.
Interesting that you omit “Verticone” when you list his achievements.
There’s been some quality photoshopping going on around these parts lately and I like it!
I heard what you were saying… You know nothing of my work!
How you got to comment on a blog is totally amazing!
I love this movie. I actually talked about it over here: http://blip.tv/needsmoregay/ben-and-arthur-the-worst-gay-movie-ever-made-5348146
“Yikes.” -Tommy Wiseau
Wow. Tammy 3 is even more of a psycho that Tammys 1 and 2.
I may be missing the point here, but when that guy says there’s no reason to go to Hawaii? Not sure that’s correct.
I was in an aeroport once eavesdropping on a woman with a Southern accent who was VERY UPSET about how hard it is to go to Hawaii. She regaled her travel companions: “Last year I went to Hawaii and it took almost nine hours in the air! If you can you believe that! Plus an hour waiting for a connection. Ten hours! IT WAS AWFUL. I AM NEVER, EVER GOING TO HAWAII AGAIN!!!”
All I could think was, “Wow, yeah, the closest thing to paradise in the U.S. definitely isn’t worth the price of sitting still for ten hours. Nightmare.”
Closest thing to paradise in the U.S.? Someone obviously hasn’t been to the Corn Palace.
I have so many questions, but don’t want to dedicate the next hour of my life to watching the rest of this movie. Ben and Arthur have been together for 3 years, but whichever one is the Italian and his Wife have been married for only 5? And Ben and Arthur seem to be living together, but the wife is kind of taken back by his request for a divorce and doesn’t believe he’s gay? Why did they have to throw away the tickets, why couldn’t they have gone on the vacation anyway?
“Oh hi I’m David Holmes and I don’t need to carry all my receipts around with me especially not when I travel because I’m a dumb bigshot who has never had to prove my purchases blah blah blah” -Havid Dolmes or whatever (what a dumb bigshot)
this gives me the willies.
Homosexuals don’t wear rollneck sweaters. THIS MOVIE IS SO UNREALISTIC
I was more shocked by the sock/sandal combo. Aurthur is violating the biggest fashion faux pas that exists.
ARTHUR: “Tammy, I’m a homosexual.”
TAMMY: “You expect me to believe that?”
ARTHUR: “I have the papers right here.”
TAMMY: [takes papers] “Huh. Well, these papers do seem to identify you as a certified homosexual.”
I seriously thought the same thing!
The artwork in Arthur’s apartment is very fancy.
“You’re tearing me apart, Hawaiian Courts!”
man, he really needs to clean his room
Seeing this clip has filled me with fear. I can’t fully explain it. But I’m queasy now. My god, the sheer incompetence… the staggering idiocy…
This person is out there. It’s so frightening and sad.
THE FRAMING! MY GOD, THE FRAMING!
Also, these people cuss with all the alacrity of an 11 year old who overheard his dad drop an f-bomb while watching football.
Because I’m an important person on which people depend, I was able to take an hour out of the middle of my day and watch this whole thing, and let me just say it has nothing on The Room. Where The Room is like a perfect storm of manic, shitty weirdness, about 90% of this one is just a boring slog.
I actually watched this movie based on this post, and it is no “The Room”. Not even close. Bad post.