Since this is my last post of the day I wanted to use my vaulted position to try and make a difference in the world, in the form of an open letter to Jesse Plemons:
Listen buddy, I know what’s going on. I’ve heard the Goonies Troy’s bucket speech. I know Peggy told Don on Mad Men that it was her time. On Friday Night Lights you were always the best friend character, even once Saracen went to live in a super cool and realistic art loft in Chicago. I don’t know how they made you seem so pimply and pasty (and yet still lovable) back then because I look at you now on Breaking Bad and think, “Oh snap, he’s not the less handsome version of Matt Damon like we thought. He is Matt Damon.” You’re in the new P.T. Anderson movie the Master which looks so good it’s going to send America into another financial crisis because the movie industry is going to have to shut down afterward. It’s just going to shrug its shoulders and be like, “Look, we’re sorry but we have no choice. That movie achieved everything that cinema was meant to do. Hollywood is closed?”
But before that happens, you’re going to be getting some phone calls. Taylor Kitsch will probably be first, although you should be careful with that one. I know he’s going to say he only wants to help but it can’t be easy for him to watch your trajectory. People might not remember that you were in Battleship because no one saw it and you were barely in the trailer but he does, I promise you that.
You’re also going to be hearing from the ladies. I would love it if you found a girl version of you, except I don’t mean in the way that FNL envisioned it. I’m not talking about you needing to find some weird dreadlocked girl who doesn’t even represent a subculture I’m familiar with.
I’m not even sure if it’s a good idea for you to be hanging out with Joachim Phoenix too much. He seems to have gotten that whole fake rapper business out of his system but it’s not like I can just forget that happened.
There’s just so many potential pitfalls in your path. It could really keep a girl up at night if she wasn’t already awake binging on television shows of varying quality. Just promise me no superhero franchises at first. If you really need the cash you can sign on to the one at a time but you’re too young to make a ten year commitment. I don’t know if you remember but people once thought that the Toby Maguire Spiderman movies were really good. Elegant even.
Ok, I’ve said my peace. Bye everyone! Bye Jesse. I look forward to watching you on Breaking Bad next week. Maybe your clear complexion is a fluke and I have a couple more years before I have to worry about this, but I doubt it. You’re so on your way to being a star.