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Some dude in Flint, Michigan, home of Michael Moore and Krispy Kreme, has written his own screenplay for a Road House sequel that he envisions as being a starring vehicle for Guy Fieri (yes, good!) and put it up for sale on Craigslist. Let’s buy it! We are the new David Katzenbergs now, dogs! Get in on the ground floor. I cannot see a single thing going wrong with this whatsoever. From Craigslist (via WarmingGlow):
Attention all Hollywood head honchos. If you’re lookin’ for the next big summer smash ($$$) I think I got a real premium script in the works. Name’s Karl Welzein, President and CEO of Bad Boy City Entertainment and possible future big business owner. Below, you’ll feast your eyes on a taste of the gold, if you catch my drift. It’s the first scene of ROADHOUSE: PAIN STILL DON’T HURT, starring Guy Fieri. It’s pretty much the film America’s been cravin’ for. I’d also be willing to co-star in the film to keep costs low, (more $$$ for ya) and plus, when I put my mind to it, man, I get in some primo shape. But to be honest, the babes don’t really ever have any complaints about my bod. I haven’t rapped at Guy Fieri about the project yet, but pretty sure he’s down. Let’s set up a private convo, possibly in my neck of the woods, or you could fly me to Hollywood (first class). Maybe we could set up a little celebraish for the big contract signing? Who knows? Don’t delay. Let’s roll, you guys.
Let’s roll, you guys. See you at the CELEBRAISH. He hasn’t rapped at Guy Fieri about it yet, but I think we’re ALL pretty sure he’s down. If you click through to the posting you can read a tantalizing excerpt of the script itself. There are already some memorable quotes up on IMDB, including: “Man, you sure cleaned things up around these parts, kimosabe. Captain Karl’s Pizza Ship used to be riddled with Oriental Mafia crime. Not anymore, now it’s a 24/7, 365, celebraish. Open on Sundays (winks).” See you guys at Cannez. Pop champagne. Vinny Chase 2012.
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People don’t really talk like that, right? It reads like Teen Korner.
And speaking of Oriental Mafia Crime, my boss was recently let go and we’ve been interviewing for his position. Someone sent in a cover letter that began “I am a heterosexual male of British ancestry” and went on to detail how he has been unemployed for a spell because it’s difficult to find legitimate companies that aren’t involved in the Chinese Triad crime syndicate. He also said he was a former judo world champion and included a blank cheque so we could direct deposit 200$ to compensate him for his time if he came in for the interview and did not get the job (he will, of course, return it if he is hired). It’s printed out and on our bulletin board. LOLz all around.
Please call him in, I am quite sure that he has many MANY interesting things to say. I will donate $5 Canadian Loonies to this cause.
That’s what we all said. We had about 150 pledged, but head office said no
So I’m not getting the job?
Man, now I am really disappointed that Gabe has apparently never heard of the great @dadboner twitter account before and thinks this was posted by a real person.
Oops. Beat me to it.
Punking Gabe like that was a real power move.
Feel like I could drink a thousand beers right now, you guys.
Come to think of it, Guy Fieri’s probably got some pretty serious chest beefers.
Really lookin’ forward to the weekend, you guys.
Actually, don’t think they’re quite primo enough to be called beefers. Probably more in the category of sloppers, alas.
What a corn-cob.
Really steamed. Sick of this.
i will not google “dad boner” to find this twitter account. i will not search “dad boner” on twitter. i will live the rest of my life without finding “dad boner” because oh my gosh guys this is just the worst sentence!
Your loss, it’s a pretty great account.
“A real person.”
It’s actually pretty unreal.
As opposed to the fictional character of Karl Welzein with the @dadboner twitter account who loves BL “Nums and chest beefers.
Karl is a lot more real than a lot of us, I’d say. Lives more, does more, loves more. Who are we to judge, just because he’s the creation of a (surprisingly funny) writer for Family Guy? Mr. Welzein, I lift my Bud Light ‘Num to you, good sir.
gabe doesn’t know about @dadboner!? COME ON!
As a clever blog that occasionally dabbles in humorous fictional screenplays, it seems pretty obvious that this whole thing is a bit, and a pretty funny one at that.
I’m actually looking for the next big $ummer $ma$h
I want to green light this if we can add in the guy from $mashmouth.
Guy Fieri isn’t also the guy from $mashmouth!? Whoa.
full disclosure, at first i typed “$summer $mash”
Hey, give Gabe a break guys. He’s pretty with it for a 165 year old.
” I haven’t rapped at Guy Fieri about the project yet, but pretty sure he’s down.”
This makes sense because it’s possible to agree to do something that you haven’t been asked to do and have never heard of.
Unrelated – I wonder if Guy Fieri has to clean his sunglass lenses every time he takes them off the back of his head. His hair seems completely saturated in gel or mousse or some shit at all times, so I would imagine anything that touches gets pretty sticky. And he rests his sunglasses right on it! The lenses must get sticky and dirty. He probably has someone behind the scenes constantly cleaning hair gel off his sunglasses all the time!
and that someone probably makes at least minimum wage! who knows Guy’s e-mail address?
I just have one question to ask:
How is Nic Cage NOT in this movie???!!!
…yet.
Ummm, they already made a Road House sequel. It wasn’t very good. I think there was a Busey in it.
Yeah, they’re tricky buggers and a pain in the ass to get rid of. My parents had a Busey infestation in their attic last fall, and the exterminator had to come out three times. They have traps out now, but have been pretty lucky this year.
those buseys are sneaky. with their teeth, they can chew through most materials.
I was right! It was Jake, though, one of the lesser Buseys.
False, anyone who was in Starship Troopers could never be a lesser Busey.
This is the best thing I’ve ever read. But as a native Flintoid, I must correct the misstatement that Flint is the home of Krispy Kreme. It is not. It is, however, the home of Halo Burger, Vernor’s Ginger Ale, and outsourcing.
He means the rapper, not the company: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Krispy_Kreme_(rapper)
Actually, the rapper Krispy Kreme is from Alabama, so…..
Actually, he’s from Flint, bro: http://slacktory.com/2012/07/hunt-to-expose-krispy-kreme-as-rapper-tyler-cassidy/
Damn. Wrong ass agin!
I know that Tyler Cassidy is from Flint. Krispy Kreme is from Alabama. Catch my drift?
Sure, in the same way that DadBoner is from Flint (but is actually a comedian living in LA).
Yes, exactly. We’re on the same page now!
Yes, Jeffrey. I was thinking to post this. The home of Krispy Kreme is Winston-Salem, North Carolina, which is also the birthplace of Camel cigarettes. Winston-Salem, where you kill yourself slowly.
What’s the flaming bowling shirt budget on this project?
I don’t remember exactly, but I remember it was measured in barbecue sandwiches.
Gabe – truly SHOCKED you don’t know who @DadBoner is.