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Ladies, get your cute butts over to the computer screen ’cause I’ve got some big (wink) lady news to share with you bitches!!! (I’m so sorry already!) As ladies, you know we are always searching for the HOTTEST things on Earth (??), and today the Earth just got a little hotter (???) with the news that Hollywood heartthrob Shia LaBoeuf, previously seen TOTALLY PENIS NUDE in Sigur Ros’s nude music video, is going to be in an erotic drama from known sexxxy filmmaker LARS VON TRIER! Don’t faint, grrl! Wait ’til you read all about it first! From The Hollywood Reporter:
Shia LaBeouf has set his sights on Danish director Lars von Trier’s ambitious erotic drama Nymphomaniac, which is set to begin production in September. The Transformers star is in talks to join a cast led by Charlotte Gainsbourg…
Nymphomaniac follows the erotic adventures of a woman (Gainsbourg) from her youth to age 50, as recounted to her husband (Stellan Skarsgard). It’s not clear how big LaBeouf’s role would be.
Ooooh, I think it’s VERY clear how “big” LaBeouf’s “role” will be if YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN, LADIES! Ahhhhhahaha! Winkwinkwink! Cannot wait to see how Shia “flexes” his “acting muscles” in this film if you know what I mean I am so sorry I barely even know what I mean!! Ahh, we have fun. But seriously, ladies, erotic adventures are no joke, even if they do include our #1 celebricrush Shia LaBoeuf. Be safe out there! Respect yourself! #strength #beauty #shia
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Hey girls, remember that guy from high school who was super duper hot and then he went to college and got a little too hippie-ish and you saw him sometime when you were both home for thanksgiving or whatever and you were like, “ugh, what? you used to be hot and now you need a shower.” and you kind of know he’s getting so much hippie-girl-tail at college and that just makes the whole thing grosser? That’s how I feel about Shia LeBoeuf based mostly on that picture.
That is word-for-word how I feel about Shia LeBoeuf based on that picture.
Haha…somehow I knew that.
You thought he was hot when he was Louis Stevens?
No. I mean…no.
Were there any hot guys on Even Stevens? I’m trying to remember and totally coming up blank. Like, I can’t even remember any guys Ren had crushes on or anything.
I just remember him from being the mascot in Freaks and Geeks. But he looks exactly like a guy I know… because of course he does. (Though really the guy I know looks like Vincent Gallo and is a wonderful artist, but totally still has that vibe… in his late 30s. Still hitting on hippie artist students too.)
I need to take shower. Not in a pervy way, but in the way that you do after watching Hoarders.
I just remember Ren being hot.
He looks like he has smelly everything…
Shia LaBoeuf was never hot. #realtalk
Rochelle Rochelle did it. #Milan #Minsk
When your name is “The Beef” you’re gonna do some nudity at some point in your career. Fortunately for him he’s an actor and not a middle school math teacher.
Poor Scott LeDong just wanted to be an architect.
Is he wearing a woman’s bathrobe and crying in that picture? #dreamboat
Seriously. Based on the picture I thought the big news was that Shia LaBeouf was arrested for disturbing the peace during a nervous breakdown at the supermarket. #hotstuff
I think he’s just hella baked… and wearing a woman’s dressing robe. And hasn’t had a shower in like 5 days. And he just made some mac and cheese (you’ll have to wash your own spoon if you want some) and dubbed a great Phish concert we should all listen to. And if you’re going to smoke, you’re going to have to listen to all the Phish set lists that were played at every concert he ever brought that glass bowl you’re holding to. And then you will look at the filthy carpet and weird couch and realize everything probably has fleas and then you’ll start having a panic attack and everyone in the room will say you’re super uptight and then laugh that terrifying evil hippie laugh/cough and you just want to get out, but your stupid boyfriend who has known this guy from forever ago tells you to chill. But you can’t chill because you’re basically breaking out in hives because you totally just seriously noticed how filthy this place is and you’re pretty sure that guy is perving on you when you’re boyfriend isn’t looking oh god he totally is and WHY CAN’T WE JUST LEAVE ALREADY???
So many applause gifs.
I honestly don’t want to know what Lars Van Trier considers an erotic adventure.
After Antichist I don’t want to know what Lars Von Trier anythings anything. That name is such an interest turn-off. I just assume it’s going to be too artsy and involve too much shock value for my delicate sensibilities.
Melancholia was good.
I almost puked while watching Anti-christ…
That is second only to Werner Herzog’s erotic adventures as most terrifying thing imaginable.
i would imagine him to be a very giving, sensual lover.
“forget the terror of the modern world and your mental instinct of being consumed by violence. put your head back and close your eyes. let us become animals together.”
WHOAWHOAWHOAWHOA. GRRRLLLLSSSS! Remember when Benedict Cumberbatch and Idris Elba broke our collective uterus? This is like that times a million! AMIRITE LADIES? I’M RIGHT.
Benedict Cumberbatch and Idris Elba are history’s greatest monsters; Shia LaBeouf is our salvation (in that he elicits the exact opposite reactions).
I LOVED The Kingdom, and I thought Dogville was interesting. I liked Melancholia, too! But it’s like for every step Lars Von Triet takes towards making me like him, he has to go and sabotage everything.
My answer:
Shia LaBoeuf will be to erotic movies what:
A) Shia LaBoeuf was to action/adventure movies
Shia LaBoeuf, previously seen TOTALLY PENIS NUDE in Sigur Ros’s nude music video, is going to be in an erotic drama from known sexxxy filmmaker LARS VON TRIER!
That sentence is the best contraceptive measure ever. Teach it to the kids, it will guarantee abstinence until the human race dies out from sheer horror and also refusing to touch each other ever again after that mental image.
I still refuse to watch this video even though Sigur Ros is my favorite band…I mean I’m Heimaey – the largest Westman Island. Having a talk with Jonsi and Georg about this tonight.
The Westman Islands in Iceland? Where they have the Westman Island Puffin Club? Asking for a friend.
I really don’t think its fair to assume that only ladies would appreciate Shia LaBoeuf’s dong.
I really don’t think it’s fair to assume that anyone would appreciate Shia LaBoeuf’s dong.