Hey, so have you guys been keeping up with all the telenovela shit going down with The Bachelor? We knew it was going to be “freakish,” and “pure Network,” but as of last week there’s now a huge conspiracy-theory-fueled maybe scandal! It’s gotten insanely complicated, but here’s a brief summary of the allegations, which are tearing the Bachelor-loving corners of the internet asunder, and will at least mean huge ratings for the final three episodes (the finale next week, and two post-show reunions.) Spoiler alert, maybe, if it’s true, but here it is in one sentence:

According to multiple reality show bloggers, Bachelor Jason Mesnick chooses Melissa in the finale, but then, on the The Bachelor: After The Final Rose special, he abruptly changes his mind, chooses Molly, and dumps Melissa in front of the audience on (what will be) national TV.

And so they added an unprecedented as-yet-untaped second After The Final Rose special to the schedule, in order to figure it all out. If you want to read all about it, and I don’t recommend it because it’s a slog and nobody is this obsessed with anything, you can check out the original blog post by a guy named Reality Steve that set this national uproar in motion. ANYWAY, at first the blame was laid on Jason for sadistically throwing Melissa under the bus for a pre-planned ratings stunt, but I think a lot of crazed Bachelor fans took the weekend to reflect and realized that Jason would never do that, so they turned their ire on Chris Harrison, the host of The Bachelor, who is probably the most likable host in reality TV.

So Chris went kind of bonkers on his weekly Entertainment Weekly recap blog this morning, forgoing a recap of last night’s episode and choosing instead to defend himself and the show against alleged scripted endings and a bunch of hysterical ladies who think his participation in (what might be) a reality show ratings stunt disqualifies him to raise his children:

I read in the comments that many of you are questioning my parenting skills and if I’m even fit to be a parent. First, let me say it took you all far too long to figure that out, but that’s really between my kids and the therapist I’m sure they’ll be visiting in about 20 years.

Whew. I think that gets “us” up to date. Just 6 more days until the freakish Network shit begins! One thing is certain: Bachelorette DeAnna Pappas is coming back to either tempt Jason or give him advice, but either way the dude is gonna cry. It’s like high school with five bucks more money!