If you don’t live in New York, you should move to New York! It’s a really neat city! But if you don’t live in New York you might not know that the city’s mayor, Michael Bloomberg, proposed a legislated ban on the sale of extra-large sized sugary drinks as a public health measure, and it’s created quite a bit of controversy because THESE COLORS DON’T RUN, THEY JUST SIT AROUND AND DRINK SODA. Anyway, New York Magazine finally got the reclusive soda and public health expert Jerry Seinfeld to open up about the subject. PHEW!
New York Magazine: How do you feel about Bloomberg’s push to ban soda?
Jerry Seinfeld: I don’t think I’m in favor. I’m in favor of continuing the accelerated Darwinian process of early death and weeding out most of the population through sugary drinks.
NYM: Do you have a family policy for sodas?
JS: Oh, yeah, yeah. My kids haven’t had that many sodas. They don’t really know what it is … When I was a kid, it was nothing but.
NYM: Did you have a favorite soda as a kid?
JS: Well, we had the real-sugar coke. And that was pretty solid. Also Orange Crush was great. Dr. Pepper, great.
NYM: All classics.
JS: Yeah. I say, “Fatten them up, kill them off, and move them out.” That would be my philosophy.
Making jokes about Darwinism as it relates to mass human death is always hilarious, but I think my favorite part is when he actually gets into the inherent class elements of this entire discussion by pointing out that his extremely wealthy and privileged children aren’t allowed to touch soda because it’s obviously terrible for them, whereas the people who do drink soda (read: primarily poor people) should be allowed to die. It’s just fun! Who doesn’t love jokes?! I love jokes! Fun fun fun fun fun fun fun soda soda soda soda soda soda soda. LOLOLOL. Fuck everybody!