[NOTE: this week's fight includes one blurry NSFW image.]
gabe: who is your celebrity valentine?
lindsay: Usually it’s Paul Rudd, but this year I’m shaking things up
lindsay: I can’t decide between Jon Hamm and Jason Segel
gabe: you’ve got such a triple-track mind
gabe: it’s always paul rudd, jon hamm, and jason segel with you
lindsay: (trying to think of a jason segel’s penis joke)
gabe: i’m sure paul rudd is going to be so crushed by this news
lindsay: He’s had many years to step up.
gabe: yeah, his silence on the matter of your love for him is weird
lindsay: But he’s always been like “We’re not like those other couples, we don’t have to celebrate valentine’s day to prove we love each other.”
lindsay: “Every day is valentine’s day for us, Lindsay”
lindsay: – Paul Rudd
lindsay: (every year)
gabe: that was sad
gabe: that was twilight-vlog-caliber sad
gabe: you’re like “come over here, my dozen cats”
gabe: “now which of you is going to be paul rudd this year”
gabe: i’m just kidding
gabe: i know that you don’t have any cats
lindsay: because the county won’t give me a cat license?
lindsay: is that going to be your joke?
gabe: you got me?
gabe: i’m always making those county licensing board jokes
gabe: it’s getting so predictable
lindsay: WHO IS YOUR VALENTINE?
gabe: the smoke monster from lost
gabe: i just like to feel safe
lindsay: Nah, it’s Gwyneth
lindsay: you only hit her because you like her so much
lindsay: but you don’t have words, only fists
gabe: i used to
gabe: i used to like her
gabe: she used to be our leighton meister
gabe: or something?
gabe: but now look at her
gabe: i loathe her
gabe: your celebrity valentine is andy milonakis
lindsay: well, until last year we did live on the same street
gabe: you date him, and you have babies with him
lindsay: (I moved on up)
lindsay: um, something terrible about genetic testing.
gabe: as opposed to something kind and generous and thoughtful about genetic testing?
gabe: when you look at pictures of andy milonakis
gabe: you sigh
lindsay: I do not do that
lindsay: YOU do that
gabe: and you’re like “the one who got away”
lindsay: you are doing that right now
gabe: no way, dude
gabe: that’s like my main rule
gabe: people who don’t even know me
gabe: are like that guy NEVER looks at pictures of andy milonakis
gabe: it’s my thing, i’m famous for it
gabe: unlike you
gabe: who is famous for having andy milonakis’s babies
lindsay: Can we please pick a less easy target here?
gabe: than you?
gabe: no, that is fair
gabe: i’m surprised you didn’t pick alec baldwin
gabe: since he’s one of the four people
lindsay: He doesn’t drink.
lindsay: And he holds grudges.
gabe: that you obsess about to the point of it being troublesome
lindsay: I could say the same thing about you and so many people!
gabe: i’m glad to see that alcohol consumption and anger management are carefully weighted in your nonsense valentine schoolgirl crush analysis
gabe: god forbid
gabe: you get imaginary stuck
lindsay: it’s mainly the grudges
gabe: with someone
gabe: who doesn’t drink
gabe: what a bore!
gabe: what a make believe problem that would never be!
lindsay: anyway, at least my celebrity valentine was naked in a movie.
gabe: why imaginarily buy the cow when you can rent the Forgetting Sarah Marshall dvd from netflix is what you’re saying
lindsay: 1. I OWN FSM
lindsay: 2. That is not how girls work and that movie does not turn anyone on.
gabe: oh man, i am so confused
gabe: i thought that the stupid scene in forgetting sarah marshall
gabe: was like porn for girls
gabe: and that they were super turned on by it and just wanted the rest of the movie
gabe: to hurry up and be done with
gabe: so they could have sex because of how excited they were
gabe: thank you dr. ruth
lindsay: Well this is why your celebrity valentine has to be an inanimate monster composed of or associated with smoke.
gabe: analyze this
lindsay: Because you don’t understand women
gabe: i do not understand women
gabe: i’m probably like the first guy
lindsay: when Gwyneth googles herself
gabe: who’s had that problem
lindsay: she’s like “if only Gabe could just MEET ME”
gabe: i’m sorry
gabe: my mind is still reeling from the incredible revelation
gabe: that girls aren’t turned on
gabe: by Forgetting Sarah Marshall
lindsay: You know
lindsay: I think you need to tell us a real celebrity
lindsay: who is your valentine
lindsay: I have opened up and shared.
lindsay: and it’s time for you to share.
gabe: i can do it
gabe: i can be vulnerable
lindsay: This is a safe place
lindsay: it’s not your fault
lindsay: it’s not your fault
lindsay: it’s not your fault.
gabe: I AM ENOUGH!
gabe: my celebrity valentine
gabe: if the smoke monster from lost already had a date
gabe: would probably be rachel bilson
lindsay: Oohhhhh, you LOVE her, Gabe and Rachel sittin in a tree, Gabe loves Rachel Bilson!
lindsay: You love her!
lindsay: I’m telling everyone
gabe: CORRECTION: i’m telling everyone
lindsay: No, I’m on the phone
lindsay: calling everyone
lindsay: and telling them
lindsay: and typing at the same time
gabe: “come here, cats”
gabe: “i have some very interesting gossip”
gabe: the thing about rachel bilson is that she hasn’t been famous enough to be obviously horrible yet
lindsay: I think Rachel Bilson is, um, maybe over?
gabe: also, she is not over
gabe: ever heard of a little movie called JUMPER?
gabe: she JUMPED into my heart
lindsay: oh I just looked on IMDB
lindsay: she has a movie coming out called Waiting For Forever
lindsay: which is funny because that’s what you’re doing
lindsay: with her
lindsay: only it’s the sequel
lindsay: Waiting For Never
gabe: i am not waiting
gabe: that is ridiculous
gabe: she has three more years
gabe: to make something happen
gabe: and then i’m DONE
lindsay: A Hollywood-set romantic tale of a guy who is content to live his life without a job yet with the love of his life, a young actress
gabe: i wrote myself a check for being done with rachel bilson and post-dated it for my 52nd birthday
lindsay: it is DESTINY.
gabe: and i’m going to cash that check