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The Scary Movie oeuvre is one of America’s most prized oeuvres. “How do they do it?” That is what everyone asked every time another Scary Movie was released. “How do they continue to put out all of these carefully constructed movie spoofs right on time, and how — knowing how delicate and specific to a certain period of time the references tend to be — do each of the films still feel so fresh to this day?” I’m not here to answer those questions for you — I’m not sure anyone can, unless you’re talking to The Wayans Brothers THEMSELVES, and even then I’m sure there’s an element of magic they don’t even fully understand, but I am here to let you know about their newest GOT’EM adventure, Scary Movie 5! Ahhhh, it’s coming, hooray! From FeatureFilmAuditions:
The story in “Scary Movie 5″ involves the dance world, with a snooty, aloof, imperious, and oversexed French director of a dance company named Pierre putting on a huge production. Jody, a Caucasian late 20′s mother of two and her late-20′s African American friend Kendra are both vying for the lead in the production. Jody’s extremely controlling former dancer mother is determined that Jody will have the brilliant career that eluded her. The highly skipped mid-30′s Diva veteran dancer with the company, Heather Daltry, gets cut from the production and goes berserk.
Soooooooooo good! Such a good idea for a movie that is still not going to come out for who knows how long! It’s about time someone gave 2010′s Black Swan the ribbing it deserves. But, as is true of all Scary Movies, you know Black Swan isn’t the ONLY target. SOMEONE has to get pushed into a pit and then someone else has to say “THIS. IS. BALLET!” and then Borat has to say “very nice.” But what other fun references do you hope they include? I’ll go first.
- Fat Bastard says “get in my belly” to one of the ballerinas and then he eats the ballerina and spits out her bones and says “too boney” and then the camera pans to an Olsen twin and she says “WHAT DID YOU DO TO MY SISTER!”
- The ballerinas run through India and fall into poop as part of a training montage.
- Awkward Jesse Eisenberg/Mark Zuckerburg character says “you know what’s cooler than a million [whatever], a billion [whatever]” and it doesn’t even matter that he isn’t the one that said that line in The Social Network.
- “VOTE FOR PEDRO” t-shirt.
- One of the ballerinas looks like Juno and she farts a lot.
- “I. DRINK. YOUR. JUICE THAT YOU’RE DRINKING FOR YOUR JUICE FAST!”
This movie is going to make more money than Titanic 2D! KING OF THE WORLD! (Via Vulture.)
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Kanye West character tells Andrew Garfield character, “I’m sorry Andrew, but Tobey Maguire had one of the best Spidermans of all time.”
Jennifer Lawrence look-alike protects younger sibling(s) from meth dealers and the Hunger Games, while in a tutu
There will most definitely be a werewolf/vampire/Kardashian getting shot with a bow and arrow, followed by the District salute.
Either way, a kardashian or three is getting murdered, followed by a news report of the NBA cancelling the season out of grief.
There’s a scene where all of the characters wake up from a crazy party from the night before and don’t remember what happened and for some reason Mike Tyson is there and he punches a tiger who is wearing a purple hoodie like justin bieber.
To be fair to the entire Wayans family, the last Scary Movie any of them were involved in was Scary Movie 2.
David Zucker has held the Scary Movie reins from 3 onwards.
There were other paradies that HAD to be made
He was also one of the people who made Airplane. If someone has to lose reputation for this debacle, I’d rather it be the Wayans.
Zucker’s name is not on 5. Just 3&4.
It turns out in the end that Rosebud is the name of Jody’s childhood sled smartphone.
Good I’m
SO GLADI confused strike tags with italics tags, because that’s exactly what I wanted fuckI’m going back to bed now, someone hold all my calls and wake me up when there’s a batman movie to go see.
Batman & Robin is on Encore Action in 10 minutes.
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
“Big gulps huh? Alright! Welp, see ya.” – Dirt Nasty, Scary Movie 5
I actually really enjoyed Simon Rex in Scary Movie 3. Especially the running joke of him crashing through windows, falling out of frame and IMMEDIATELY standing up and brushing himself off.
Aaaand I just realized you were quoting Dumb and Dumber. For some reason I saw Simon Rex saying that. Oh well.
That’s why it works so well! (I like Simon Rex too. Ssshhh.)
I kind of liked 3 too, if only for this scene spoofing Signs.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5PSPBJLC_sE
The director of Scary Movie 5 also directed Undercover Brother, soooooooooo. Uhh. So. Hm.
I bet he never let’s anyone around him forget he’s the two time director of a major motion picture.
A train comes toward the camera and it makes everyone in the audience freak because they don’t know how movies work and also it’s 1890 in this scenario.
A joke about that time Hugh Jackman peed on himself four years ago.
Everyone suffers from Linsanity.
Top joke, topknot. I’m holding both thumbs up as I type this.
As someone who is only able to type with his thumbs, I’m impressed!
These girls are using shake weights, but some old guy replaces one with his actual penis and is stimulated to orgasm, much to the girl’s surprise (while a crowd chants “MILF?”)
For some reason the thought of a crowd chanting a question makes me laugh very hard.
Is Dr. Ruth still alive? If so, Dr. Ruth gets a cameo and says “Good sex!” here.
Emma Stone character tries to learn about what life is like for The Help, who are actually a bunch of sassy ladies who say things like, “grrrrrrl, oh no you didn’t!” a lot and wear apple bottom jeans and introduce Emma Stone character to something called “rap” music.
The Return of the Curse of the Creature’s Ghost?
The girls ask someone in a car “Which seat can I take?”, turns out the driver is Antoine Dodson who looks at the camera and says “You can run and tell that!”.
Then Kony wakes up and it was all a dream, then a monkey poops on his face. Then the monkey wakes up and Inception.
One of the ballerinas is sewn into a Human Centipede by Joe Rogan and the people in the front are contestants on Fear Factor, and they have to eat super gross stuff that is going to get to the ballerina sooner or later.
Whoops. Uh-oh. You nailed it.
They are all saved at the end by Tebow, who then ascends to heaven.
People say ‘WINNING!’ constantly.
All the homoerotic energy now centers around a sand volleyball court.
And then a little girl goes “More sand.”
This all makes a lot of sense, but I just want to know what “highly skipped” means.
PONY2012 signs
A character who farts double rainbows.
V for Scary MoVie-gum 5
Soo…if Scary Movie 5 references Charlie Sheen (and it will), who had a part in Scary Movie 3, what will that do to the continuity of the series? I’m concerned that this might cause some plot holes.
“More like plop holes!” —Scary Movie 5
Don’t worry, I’ve seen an advanced copy of the script and they explain it away with a pitch-perfect Last Action Hero parody.
The final test to get the lead in the ballet production is the Hunger Games.
Shit nevermind. You guys already covered that earlier in the thread.
Hmm, let me see-
Something about Casey Anthony?
A spoof of the Real World where she shares a house with OJ.
The best/worst thing about this is that I guarantee at least four of these ideas will actually be in the movie.
Well hopefully they will have a policy like Paranormal Activity’s, so we can all get properly credited.
Speaking of which- Paranormal Activity found footage spoof will definitely happen. It’s Blair Witch all over again.
Maybe Paranormal Activity’s nose drips as it chases people through the house? I never actually saw Paranormal Activity, I don’t know if the monster has a name, or if there even IS a monster. Screw this, guys, too much work, let’s do a Cloverfield parody instead.
An Angelina-lookalike ballerina will stand like Angelina Jolie at the Oscars.
How about they have a show called Everybody HATES Raymond!
A super sparkly Lana Del Ray ballerina pirouetting very slovenly.
Some Real Housewife of let’s say Miami (they have one of those, right?) gets her arm stuck under a boulder. Instead of whatever was happening in 127 Hours, she poops up a storm. Still incredibly boring.
Is that what James Franco did in 127 Hours? I heard it was gross, so I was closing my eyes the whole time.
I don’t think he poops at all. All I remember was a load of metaphorical horseshit, instead of real human shit.
A fat, pregnant Jessica Simpson ballerina.
What would be really great is if it were a spoof of Scary Movie 1.
Appearance by Rebecca Black (who, shockingly, is back in the news again for no discernible reason)
“Jody, a Caucasian late 20′s mother of two and her late-20′s African American friend Kendra are both vying for the lead in the production.”
I like their very literal interpretation of the Black Swan/White Swan dynamic.
The first Scary Movie came out in 2000. Now that’s scary…
Wow, I would totally watch this…. and regret it later.
Sharty Movie
One of the ballerinas played by Carmen Electra will be dressed as an Avatar alien for some reason, and is killed by falling sandbags that turn out to be sacks of money. James Cameron runs on stage and scoops up the bags of money, yelling “I’m the king of the world!” before running off.
There will be a scene where all the characters are disoriented because the movie is in 3D. Also: a staggering amount of 3D boners.
The Avengers are a competing ballet team. And Thor is gay cause he has long hair, And The Hulk is Fat Bastard, and Cap’ is a right wing crazy, and Iron Man is sexually attracted to robots. This is because he wears a robot suit. I mean, right?
I’m new here and i’m just trying to fit in.
I’m going to go waaay out on a limb here and predict jokes about whether dude ballet dancers are straight or not.