The first movie I ever saw with Reese Witherspoon was Freeway in 1996. That movie was great! Have you seen that movie? You should see that movie. She was really good in it. I thought to myself, “this is a good actress who is good at acting.” Since then, of course, it’s just been a steady decline into increasingly mundane roles that rely on blonde jokes and/or women in power suit jokes. But whatever, those roles are where the money is. Good for her. So much money now, it’s ridiculous. But so let’s be honest with ourselves, Ms. Witherspoon. You are a big, rich famous person now who lives in a cloud mansion built of champagne dreams. Accept it. Stop trying to relate to us. Because when you do, it sounds like this:
She might be an Oscar-winning actress but to her two kids, Reese Witherspoon is sometimes, well, just embarrassing, she says in a new interview. To illustrate her point, the actress tells the story to Parents magazine of taking her 9-year-old daughter Ava to see country star Carrie Underwood. “She said, ‘Mom I really appreciate you taking me to the concert, but will you please not embarrass me in front of Carrie Underwood by singing because she’s a real singer and you’re just, like a movie singer,” says Witherspoon, who won a Best Actress Oscar for playing singer June Carter Cash in 2005′s Walk the Line.
Oh, HAHAHAHAH. What a charming story. Tell it again, Reese Witherspoon! Really set the scene for us. So, you’re backstage at the Carrie Underwood concert, because your daughter is a huge fan and so you called your manager and he got you two complimentary backstage passes. After you finished trading effusive, disingenuous compliments with Ms. Underwood, you were standing at the edge of the stage, drinking champagne in glasses made out of discarded American Express Black Cards, and then you began to sing because as a high-level professional performer it’s hard for you to differentiate between when the camera is on you and when the camera is not on you and so at this point you’ve just decided to live your life in a constant state of being “on,” but sometimes your daughter finds that embarrassing because even though she is completely disconnected from any view of the world that doesn’t involve instant gratification and the exclusive presence of multi-millionaires, she’s still a human being seeking self-actualization. To a point. Obviously she will be dependent on you for the rest of her life since it’s impossible for the children of celebrities to escape the overwhelming egos of their parents that cover their lives like a stunting oil slick. What a classic parenting story. I’m sorry, no, you tell it! It’s so funny when you tell it!
Enough with the down-to-Earth relatability, fames. You have no idea what horrible monsters it makes you sound like. Enough talking, more dancing! Dance for us, monkeys!