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Hey ladies! It’s almost summer, and you know what that means: ROMPER SEASON! Time to get out all those old rompers you bought because you thought they were dresses and decide if you’re not going to wear them this time around, either. So fun. So fun being a girl. But you know where being a girl gets a little tricky, aside from discerning between rompers and dresses? And also aside from 100% of everything else? When you’re alone and need to practice self defense. Not to scare anyone! This should be a safe and fun zone for girls to talk about girl things, like rompers, but as Gwen Stefani said sarcastically: “I’m just a girl.” We, as girls, NO BOYS ALLOWED, only need to learn a few basic tools in order to be prepared for anything a horrible man could throw at us in any one of the nightmare scenarios that run through our heads when we are walking anywhere or trying to fall asleep. CAN WE DO IT? YES WE CAN!
Or maybe just don’t go outside? Let’s all just stay inside, boys too. It’s nice in here! (Via TheDailyWhat)
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Remember, ladies. If you get raped it’s because you weren’t gross enough. Take it as a compliment!
Alternatively, if you have never been raped it’s probably because you are so gross.
Wait, what? Rub excrement on yourself? Bite his penis off? How does this guy know it’s the girl’s boyfriend! This sounds oddly like his kink fantasy to me.
Seriously though, rompers are dumb and you’re dumb for wearing them.
I got pretty scared they were going to show the child biting off the cucumber. They did not; and for that I am thankful.
“Ditto”
- Roman Polanski
“Kids, eat your vegetables!”
-Edward Rooney
This is eerily similar to Steve Martin’s advice about how not to get mugged when walking down the street:
“All you have to do is look crazy, you know? So whenever I have, like, ten dollars and I want to walk down the street with it, first, I wet my pants. So I get a big stain. Then I take a baby carriage and push it down the street and put garbage in it. Now, if you don’t want to get that involved, a much simpler thing– the moment you are aware you’re being robbed… throw up on your money.”
Hold on before you rape me let me use my go-go gadget feces smearer to gross you out and prevent you from ravaging me!
Penny and Brain show up and start farting on the attacker.
The song (jingle?) at the end is so catchy.
how is ripping a hole into a tomato going to help?
Tomatoes are God’s eye-gouging training devices.
This guy’s certainty that shit is an automatic turn-off to rapists strikes me as a little naive.
or uncomfortably well informed. . .
Why wait until you’re in a rape situation? Be proactive ladies and just shit your pants before you leave the house.
I find it easier to just keep an angry laser-wielding lemur in my skirt at all times. Yeah, dry cleaning expenses are high, but can you really put a price on safety?
If at all possible, I try to have a civil discourse about my decision to wait until marriage. But these things often happen quickly, which is why I find it helpful to wear my Abstinence Day shirt, just so rapists know up front what I’m all about.
Touch home plate and you’ll get a turd.
Abstinence means doing everything but “the closing act” at Suffolk County Public Schools? How progressive!
“I gave my word to stop at turd.”
-the rapist
Why is there a kinky sex tip in the middle of this rape-defense demonstration?
“Oh, yes, well I forgot to mention it before, but I was being attacked by a rapist. That’s why.”–Hugh Jackman, Liam Neeson, and Gerard Depardieu
Hmmm, interesting. I might give these a try, especially since my son took my rape horn.
Hey, I’m wearing the same dress today as that woman who bites the cucumber! No joke! This strikes me as a particularly bad omen as I’m about to get on the metro for work in 15 minutes and yesterday a drunk man tried to sit on my lap and then just sat on the floor and smiled at me trying to touch my legs after I pushed him off. I chose to take it as a compliment. What wonders can today hold in store for me?
maybe aggressively bite and then spit out cucumber chunks and he’ll get the warning?
Well, you can always piss yourself. Unless he’s already pissed himself. Then it’s time to switch out that new Dior eyeshadow for shit. Preferably your own, not his.
Ummm I definitely had to watch something like this as a part of my gas station cashier job training. (That means there’s more!)
Strange, I had to watch this as part of my “Vegetables as Body Parts” film directing course. (It was from University of Phoenix, so yeah, be jealous.)