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It is well known that the MTV Movie Awards are the single most important celebration of the art and grandeur of film that we currently enjoy as a modern society. It’s simply an honor just to be nominated, and anyone who comes away with a MOONMAN can finally answer that evergreen dinner party question “So what do you do?” with a proud and confident “I am an artist.” Of course, it’s not simply a recognition of groundbreaking artistry, craft, and innovation it’s also OK, I can’t do this anymore. The MTV Movie Awards are a ridiculous pile of shit. Who cares? How is this even on TV anymore? I’m pretty sure teenagers will not look up from their phones for this thing. (As a sidenote: my favorite MTV Movie Award moment in history is probably when Salt was nominated for Best Action Movie a solid month before it was even released in theaters but let’s get back to business.) The categories for the 2012 MTV Movie Awards have been announced and there are some exciting new additions to the roster that has long included BEST KISS as a REAL AWARD that SOMEONE WINS. (“Hey, Cameron Diaz, congratulations on your Best Kiss Moonman” is a sentence that a living human being has probably heard in his or her lifetime and that’s the world we live in and that’s the peace we have to make.) The categories include:
- “Movie of the Year”
- “Best Female Performance”
- “Best Male Performance”
- “Breakthrough Performance”
- “Best Comedic Performance”
- “Best Music”*
- “Best On-Screen Transformation”*
- “Best Gut-Wrenching Performance”*
- “Best Kiss”
- “Best Fight”
- “Best Cast”*
- “Best On-Screen Dirt Bag”*
* New category
BEST GUT-WRENCHING PERFORMANCE! This used to simply be known as “best performance” but then people were like I wouldn’t call The Rock’s performance in Tooth Fairy GUT-WRENCHING but he’s obviously got a lock on Best Male Performance so we need an additional category to help us celebrate the exceptional work of Taylor Lautner in Abducted. Do you guys ever worry that the MTV Movie Awards are TOO meaningful and TOO respectful of the very medium they’re purportedly celebrating? ANYWAY: let’s make up our own stupid MTV Movie Awards categories. My guess is that they will probably basically sound like real categories and not even be funny it will just be like “Are you absolutely sure that Best Butt Double In A Comedy/Musical isn’t already a thing?” Here are some suggestions:
- Best Mountain Dew Code Red Product Placement
- Best Pantomime of Jerking Off in a Jonah Hill Movie
- Best Professional Athlete Cameo
- Best Female Use Of Swearing
- Best Extraneous Male Taking His Shirt Off For No Explainable Reason
- Best Supernatural Thing
- Most Sexting
- The Lifetime XBOX Award For Achievement In XBOX 360
- The Red Bull Award
- Best Salt
All of them presented by your host: Jason Mraz! (Via Movieline.)
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Best Use of Betty White
Best Use Of Someone Being Videotaped, Autotuned, And Put On Youtube.
Best Origin Story for A Rebooted Sequel
Best Snooki
Best Use of Ideas
Best Silent Emoting By Teenager
Best Taylor Lautner Ab Flex
Best People’s Choice Awards Acceptance Speech
Best Playboy Pictorial By A Recently Paroled Former Child Star
Best Stare
I win. I also win Best On Screen Dirtbag and Off Screen Dirtbag.
Best Robot Fight Sequence
Best Use of Found Footage
Best Use of Shaky Cam
Best Use Of Casual Implied Racism
Best Use of White-Washing Cast of Ethnically Diverse Source Material
aka Best Use of Racebending
Favorite Jew
Fozzie Bear is a shoe-in.
Best Hair and Makeup Model
“Sparkle Vampire” – Robert Patterson, Twilight
“Robert Smith” – Sean Penn, This Must Be the Place
“Tonto” – Johnny Depp, Lone Ranger
Best Hair
Best Smile
Best Friends
Best Laugh
Best Eyes
Most Stylish
Class Clown
Most Likely To End Up With Their Own Reality TV Show
Best Condom Drop on the Red Carpet
Best Acting in the Category of Pretending to Have Sex With a Costar to Garner Publicity for a Sub-Par Product
Best use of The Rock
Best use of a rock
Best supporting Rock
Best Off-Screen Fight Scene
Best Tweets To Build Up Word-Of-Mouth Branding
Downvote this. This is really going to happen. Maybe not with MTV but with someone. Someone somewhere will win an award for best Tweets and that will actually happen and it will go on their resume alongside their Pinterest board and other achievements in doing absolutely nothing.
And by someone it will be a self-described Social Media Guru who has been out of college for maybe… 2 years.
OMG I just went on Pinterest! Mountain Dew Cupcakes?? WHYYYY?!? My eyes! I can’t wash them enough!
Just in case you never saw this: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZKCdexz5RQ8
WHAT IS EVEN HAPPENING?! ‘Hot debate. What do you think?’?! WHAAAA-
This new system is starting to grate on me. I don’t mind seeing the number of up/downvotes. But it is unnecessary to have two places to up/downvote, and I keep confusing the one directly below the comment for more ACTUAL comment.
The commentary on the comment’s status based on the up/downvotes is pointless, as is the colored boxes for a string of comments. I don’t like the pink and I really don’t like the yellow. It’s too jarring.
There. I said it.
And the debate rages on.
plus, once again you’re allowed to vote when not logged in. is this supposed to happen? i take it there’ll be a discussion in the monster’s ball thread on friday, or has it already happened?
Best movie based on a blog.
Best blog based on a movie.
Best TV show produced by Ashton Kutcher.
Best Use of word “Bro”
Best Use of Like or Dislike
Scene Most Likely to Upset a Non-Profit Organization
Best Montage Of White Women Bonding While Singing Along To A Motown Song Recorded Before 1968 And Also Cooking.
That is our generation’s award show category. The current MTV generation would probably have Best Montage of White Girls Bonding While Singing Along to Boyz II Men via Google plus.
Actor whose Performance Can Only Be Recreated by Andy Serkis
Could be called ‘The Serkys”
Outstanding Achievement in Subtle Racism
Outstanding Achievement in Overt but Culturally Acceptable Racism or Sexism
Best Tyler Perry movie?
Best Love Triangle
That could definitely be a real one.
Best Love Tetrahedron.
(because 3D)
Best love centipede. (Yuck…)
Best Slow Motion Entrance
Best Slow Motion Exit with Background Explosion.
Best Vest (Kraven is going to be in the new Spiderman movie, right?)
I don’t know about new categories, but my source tells me The Dictator has “Best Foreign Film” locked up, but the race for “Best Adaptation of a Nicholas Sparks Book” is still wide open.
Best Dramatic Pause
Is it weird that I totally remember this being a category in 1999? I mean, obviously it was a total joke, but I definitely remember Deep Impact being nominated for one of Morgan Freeman’s pauses. And Lisa Kudrow presented the award, but never announced a winner because OBVIOUSLY.
OK, back to grad school!
-Best Yo-Yo Trickz
-Most Swag
-Best Hi-Five (Duo)
-Best Hi-Five (Trio)
Best Lip Bite By Kristen Stewart
If they add all of these there might be a few less hurt feelings after the ceremony
Best Actor
Bestest Actor
Greatest Actor
Finest Actor
Most unparalleled Actor
Most Optimal Actor
Most Amazing Actor
Most Magnificent Actor
Most Prime Actor
Most Super Actor
Most Perfect Actor
and Lifetime Achievement Award
This way EVERYONE wins!
Best Simulated Fellatio Choreography
Best Fart, obviously.
(Side note: Thank GOD I can now see which comments are Well-Loved, it was way too much trouble interpreting what the green/red numbers signified before. Hello, not everybody was a math major…)
Best Trendy Over-emoitional Semi-Ambusive Supernatural Being
Best faked orgasm
Best use of subliminal advertising
Best On-Screen Internet Comment
Best complete misrepresentation of how computers work
Best use of superimposed video game soundtrack for licensing reasons (aka PS3 with 2600 bleeps).
Best justification for abusive relationships, non-Twilight category.
Best PG-13 One-Time Use of ‘Fuck’ In A Non-Sexual Context
This should happen, if only to force more people to acknowledge how silly it is.
Wolverine would win it this year, deservedly.
Best Film Not Voted On By A 12 Year Old Girl
Best portrayal of a teenager by an adult.
Best Use of Johnny Depp in a Tim Burton Film
choose wisely…
… on-screen…
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FC3y9llDXuM
Remember? Because of that movie with Jason Biggs?
Best Overexposure of a Terrible Song.
I know all of the celebs get giftbags for showing up, but they need a door-prizey award just for shits. Like,
“Best Impromptu Camera Switch to Unaware Celebrity Displaying Honest Emotion (boredom, disdain, outright depression), but ‘Turning It On’ When They Become Aware of the Camera”. Or, “Best Exiting the Restroom After Having Clearly Not Washed Your Hands”. You know, just to keep things interesting.
best who farted looks (instead of actually looking like you normal emotions)- cast of twilight wins all of these… every year… forevers and evers.
Best Little Person Nutshot