Dear Total Film Magazine,
I know that it can be hard to let go of a grudge. If someone wrongs you — say, they flirted with your boyfriend even though they knew you were dating him, or they gave you a very backhanded compliment in front of all of your friends, or they decided that the thing that was “your thing” for, like, ever was suddenly also “their thing” and now it’s like whenever people talk about they say, “Oh yeah, that’s your guys’ thing, right?” And you’re like, uh, NO, that’s MY THING. Or maybe they starred in the film adaptation of one of your favorite books, The Nanny Diaries, and ruined it for you forever. We’re all human, and to be human is to hurt other humans. But there comes a point where you have to realize that holding onto that anger is hurting you more than it’s hurting them. Total Film Magazine, we all saw your recent Avengers-themed cover. We see what’s going on. Scarlett Johansson’s face looks like she’s doing a pretty good Vincent D’onofrio impression from his roles in either Full Metal Jacket or Men In Black, and we know that’s not what she looks like normally! She is normally quite beautiful, and she’s even famous for it. So I’m not sure what you think you’re doing here, Total Film. To put it plainly, you’re only embarrassing yourself. Let it go, whatever it is. Maybe join a book club or a pool league? Just get out there, enjoy life, and put Scarlett Johansson in your past. You deserve it. I promise.
All of us