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Oh, girls. It’s been so long since you’ve just been taken on a date. Sure, you’ve dated guys recently — some relationships more serious than others — but, I don’t know, those nights never really felt like date-dates. They really always just felt more like “hanging out.” And right now you’re at a point in your life when you just want to DATE. Right? You want to get out there! Meet some people! And girl, we have the perfect guy for you. So GET READY. Buy a new dress. Get a haircut and have something done with those eyebrows, for goodness sakes. Put on a shit ton of makeup in the mirror so when your roommate comes in and tells you you look nice you don’t have to secretly think she’s insulting you somehow. Think of this as opening a brand new chapter in your life — one of endless possibilities, and, if nothing else, a few nice meals and some conversation. You’re worth it! So, c’mon. Get your pretty self together, He’s waiting for you.
HAHAHA, GOTCHA! YOU’RE JUST GOING TO DUMB OLD BORING CHURCH! YOUR DATE IS WITH PRAYING, AND PRAYING IS DEF NOT GONNA PICK YOU UP IN HIS CAR! Also here’s this joke: Oops, guess you accidentally signed up for OkHolySpirit.com instead! Hahahahahahahhahaha! #GODPRANKS (Thanks for the tip, Ben!)
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that’s how my jenny remains pure.
Because she’s dating a guy who has been dead for over 2000 years? You need to have a talk with Jenny. And Jenny needs to have a chat with God… and maybe also a few therapists.
Boys will be provided. (Too soon?)
On the plus side, linguists at the University of Akon believe that they’ve found a word to describe this girl without being disrespectful.
Remember, guys can’t date Jesus. If you’re a guy, tell your roommate you’re going to hang out with a new bro. And that you adore him.
Girl 1: “How was your date?”
Girl 2: ” I spent an hour on my knees in from of a guy named Jesus.”
Girl 1: *faint*
– Bazooka Joe’s Religious Double Entendre Comics
Jesus, does this make me look fat? — me after a week because I’m a woman.
Candles, wine, a crucifix….what more could a girl ask for??
Candles, wine, a naked man on a cross…sounds like a date with Bill O’Reilly.
She has to cake on that makeup, Kelly. What, do you think God’s gonna just accept her for who she is???
Magdalene Tip! Ladies pinch; whores wear rouge.
Maybe it’s Magdalene!
This actually looks pretty normal, since most of my dates involve inviting women over to pray in front of shrines honoring me that other people have created. It’s weird at first, but you get used to it pretty quick.
It’s true!
The new season of Punk’d is turning out better than I was anticipating.
My ideal date: wears sandals, is a ghost.
Also maybe never existed.
I wonder what she did with that cross? The first thing that comes to mind is that scene in the Exorcist.
Just in case you were all wondering…and I know you were…this is what my date with Jesus looks like:
The only way you could get me to date a carpenter is if he also portrays Ron Swanson on Parks and Rec.
What is that you say? Unlimited wine?
Be ready at eight.
This post brought to you by DRINKING.
Actually that’s blood. That may or may not be more of an enticement.
The hellbound roommate was sexier.
Oops. Dang, that was supposed to start with “Weird.” Like so:
“Weird. The hellbound roommate was sexier.”
That is marginally funnier, so glad I clarified, goodnight.
I feel like how In the end the date actually being her going into a creepy tiny room where she built a shrine for her boyfriend is very multi-layered and conceptual. Are we sure James Franco didn’t make this?