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I very badly wanted this night to go well for Lindsay Lohan. Not because I feel any particular affection for Lindsay Lohan, or because I’m hoping her career will get back on track, but simply because watching someone you expected to do a bad job of hosting Saturday Night Live actually doing a bad job of hosting Saturday Night Live is excruciatingly boring. Ugh, I hate it so much! And this, unfortunately, was that scenario to the XXXX-treme. At least with Charles Barkley you could tell that the rest of the crew were trying to make up for his complete inability to do anything that a host should be able to do. Alternatively, this episode’s towel seemed to have been thrown in long before they began filming. As if they reached into the Not A Good Sketch Idea bag and pulled out all the not-a-good-sketch-ideas they could, shrugged, and then filled the rest of the air time with old commercials. I can’t tell if Lindsay wasn’t given much to do in the sketches, or if her performances were just so lackluster and stumbling that it only seemed as if she hadn’t been given anything to do. Her performances were, I think, the exact way that mine would be if I were ever given the job of hosting Saturday Night Live: deer-in-headlights-y, bland, suddenly illiterate, stunted and confused, but ultimately well-meaning. I could tell that she was kind of trying to do a good job? In a sad, “oh honey, no” way? Aside from the fact that she didn’t even attempt to memorize any of her lines? But yeah, oooof, boy oh boy. She was not doing a good job. Was she ever able to do this kind of thing? She used to be an actress before she was a lady of interest, right? Did the “actress” part of her brain seep down into her face and now it resides only in her cheek areas? WHAT HAPPENED, LINDSAY LOHAN?
Let me begin my “good parts” section of the post by say that, aside from the brief moments where we got to see Jon Hamm, there weren’t really any good parts. I know that sounds bitter and boring, but you can only tell so many lies about the amount of good parts that one episode of SNL contains, and I’m going to begin telling those lies in a second. But before we get to that, the only part I really liked was this:
That was perfect. I wish they hadn’t done the second commercial, but the whole night was terrible so who can even blame this perfect little bit from getting some not-so-perfect on it as well. I liked it because it seemed like a Jack Handey thing and Jack Handey things are my favorite kinds of things. Great job, this!
Oooook soooo, I guess the other thing that I liked was the “Real Housewives of Disney” sketch. It really wasn’t bad! Lindsay was bad in it, no duh, partly because it actually didn’t seem like she was given many jokes to say, (for example, when everyone was giving their funny intros and she just got to say that she was let out of her castle or whatever? That wasn’t her fault), but the idea was funny and everybody else was good! A brief moment of “watching the TV” in an episode full of “mostly looking at Twitter on my phone.”
I’m going to include the “Scared Straight” sketch mostly because I have an unyielding fondness for the format of the “Scared Straight” sketch. And also the blooper at the end was good, because who doesn’t like bloopers. But, like, the part where Lindsay Lohan couldn’t even get through listing the plots from HER OWN MOVIES? WHAT THE FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCK?
And, I know this is out of order, but the cold open was good! A good twist on the SNL favorite “Mitt Romney is a robot” joke.
But, ugh, other than that I really don’t know. Did you guys like anything else in particular? The Buddah sketch was so bad. The digital short was bad and Lindsay wasn’t even in it. The house sitting sketch was terrible, but Lindsay at least looked cute in it. What do you guys say? Didja all love this ep? Your favorite ep? Take a seat Maya Rudolph, this Lindsay Lohan ep is ur new fav3z?
Oh and also: Jack White performed. It was like the White Stripes, pretty much! I’m not complaining about it!
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Between Shepard Smith and James Carville, it’s was a pretty great night for Team Bill Hader.
I kept wanting to say out loud that I think Hader’s Carville is better than Stefon, but I really couldn’t bring myself to say it. But come onnnnnnn, King of the Snakes!!!
Friends with alligators!
Love Hader’s James Carville. “He’s like a midget standing next to a smart car. You ain’t tall, midget! You just clever!”
And who doesn’t wish that James Carville had actually killed Newt Gingrich 15 years ago? I kind of like to picture Hader’s Carville rolling Newt off a helicopter onto an island and then hunting him Most Dangerous Game style.
I actually really like the James Carville thing on weekend update, but mostly because it gave me the mental picture of Bill Hader as James Carville in a dress and wig talking to some Peter Pan type cartoon alligators. Other than that this thing was a mess.
Gasp… my long lost avatar twin!
Are you the evil one? Quick, show me your eye patch!
I don’t know which one of us to shoot!!
The two Jack White songs pulled this whole thing out of the gutter for me. #stereogum
Is everyone afraid to say the Jack White songs sounded like under developed Raconteurs songs? Well I’m not afraid. They were NOT VERY GOOD
Raconteurs songs are really just overproduced White Stripes songs, though.
Even though Lindsay Lohan gave none cares (Scared Straight etc.) the audience was WEAK again. Get better audiences!
Also, Bill Hader’s James Carville has got to be one of the most underrated impressions on SNL. I always burst into giggles during that.
Also, Kristen Wiig, please call me. I need to talk to you. 281-330-8004
I don’t really understand the whole Lindsay Lohan thing. She was a pretty successful as a kid, but she’s only ever been sort of ok at acting and hasn’t done anything of note since Mean Girls, which she was totally replaceable in. Why on Earth haven’t we moved on from her?
Word on the street is, she begged Lorne Michaels for a hosting gig until he caved and then had her lawyers in the writer’s room with veto power over any Lohan jokes. They may have also struck not one, but two skits just before showtime.
So it’s so weird that this episode was such a dud.
I know the story of how she came to be hosting this week, but I meant my comment more generally. She’s known for two things: acting and doing drugs. And she’s not particularly good at either.
There are so many anonymous has beens in the world, and I just can’t grasp how this particular has been remains newsworthy to the point that it would be at all worthwhile for Lorne Michaels to entertain her begging.
I think the reason for her enduring fame is that she’s cute?
Was cute. She is no longer cute. She is now the opposite of cute.
Word on the Sesame street?
I completely agree! She was okay at acting when she used to do that. I never quite understood what everyone else was seeing when they talked about how talented and wonderful she was in Mean Girls, etc. My only hypothesis is that people said she was talented to justify looking at her boobs, and then bemoaned “wasted talent” to justify watching her become a train wreck.
RIP Lindsay’s Face…and RIP her ability to read cue cards.
I’m sure there are all kinds of things she can’t read.
True. She might not be able to see through her high cheek implants, but something tells me it’s a grey matter too…
Oof, yes. I don’t think I’ve ever actually said “Wow, that person is reading cue cards” during SNL before.
Hey, not that’s not fair. She could read cue cards just fine. She just couldn’t read cue cards and do anything resembling acting at the same time. In her own defense, she probably isn’t very good at the acting part even without the cue cards.
That is a good point. That said, I’m sure she can do other multiple things at once and I’m not talking about chewing gum and walking…
I remember seeing an E! special or something on Linds back in the day when she was filming Mean Girls and she claimed that she had a photographic memory when it came to remembering her lines. She only needed to read them once and she remembered them. Guess that talent was lost with the many brain cells she squandered away…
I did not watch this because I was catching up on Eastbound and Down episodes, so I really have nothing worth adding, other than the observation that LiLo totally looks like Renee Zellweger in that photo. If the bee-stung look was what her facial surgeon was going for, s/he nailed it!
The ‘Scared Straight’ sketch is a disjointed, unfunny parade of stupid, awful prison rape jokes, and LiLo was pretty bad, BUT “And I’m Lindsay Lohan” did make me LOL.
Prison rape jokes are just rape jokes and there should be no distinction so for most of this sketch I was just rolling my eyes and going “urgh.”
Years of hearing prison rape jokes have kept me out of prison.
As in, I’m scared to break the law.
I actually think there is a distinction, but only insofar as this – SNL couldn’t and wouldn’t do a sketch (please correct me if you can think of a relatively recent example) that was five straight minutes of jokes about raping women. But raping men is funny! Because prison! And everyone in prison deserves whatever they get! LOLOLOL!
Essentially you are, of course, correct, and rape jokes are no-cool.
Damn you, Lindsay Lohan, for forcing us to be in such a Seriousgum place on Monday morning…
“I’m Lindsay Lohan” and then everything after Lindsay Lohan left the room were great, but everything in between was just difficult to watch.
There seemed to be something going on behind the scenes that soured this whole episode. Painful to watch.
There seemed to be someone appearing in the scenes that soured this whole episode. Painful to watch.
(FTFY)
yup.
Lindsay had to beg Lorne to host, and she’s made it known that this was her attempt to get back in the business. The whole episode just made me kind of sad. Not only was she very bad, but this was her FOURTH time hosting! Did she just forget how to do it?
I actually liked the digital short, and I laughed during the house sitting sketch even though it could have been a lot better. I thought the Disney sketch was funny, Jack White was enjoyable, but you know it’s rough when they play two old commercials. Thank G for Weekend Update.
She seemed nervous. That made me feel bad for her. But she also seems like such an asshole that the feelings of goodwill turned to boredom and annoyance before Weekend Update.
Seriousgum: I don’t really understand this whole thing because I can’t know for sure SNL’s motivations, but what I do understand is that it probably got really good ratings. So no matter how much I sit here and go “fuck, why is this talentless nobody on instead of Louis CK or hey Jon Hamm even or like, get Steve Martin back; pretty much any human being that isn’t Lindsay Lohan” the sad truth is that I’m wrong, because this is what America wants because probably Lohan or her agent or her dad was like “Look Lorne, you’ll get good ratings, so just don’t be a sap and do it” and whoever it was that said that was probably correct and that advice was probably sound.
America wants Lindsay Lohan on SNL and a guy eating doritos on fire while his hair on fire. Anyways, don’t look at me you guys, this isn’t my fault, is what I’m getting at, so stop blaming me.
I didn’t want Lindsay to fail so badly, but I didn’t NOT want her to fail either in the sense that I was hoping for greatness or greatest train wreck ever, and I got neither. There were more pictures of “LiLo” on the screen than there were actual sketches. That’s a bad sign. Also a bad sign: announcing two weeks ago that Lindsay Lohan was going to host SNL.
That said, Jack White hit it out of the part. The first song with the all girl band made me cream my… cake. Frost my cake. Get my cake bottom all soggy. Ew, ok that’s enough.
They should’ve subtitled this episode Hard to Watch: Based on the Novel Stone Cold Bummer by Manipulate.
I don’t know, I thought the episode was fine? The only certified dud was the Rude Buddha sketch. I liked watching Fred Armisen dancing in the street.
Yeah I also loved that sketch. It had that mid-nineties-SNL lack of a proper ending or anything resembling good writing which I find to be funny for some reason.
fwiw, I don’t think it’s fair to criticize her for not memorizing lines since the performers are encouraged to read the lines off the cue cards… they’re changing the scripts all the way up to air, so it makes sense to have them read off the cards. It’s still totally fair to criticize her for being super terrible at reading the cue cards, having absolutely no comic timing, begging to host the show for no reason, and not having done anything good since 2003, though.
Even her “good” sketches from pre-scandal days were awful. She’s just not a good actress on this show. Anything she was passable in was written and designed for children. I was always so confused when people said she was such a great talent bc everything she’s done besides Mean Girls is crap.
Also what the fuck was with those weird leather dresses when she was announcing stuff? That is not a good look!! (Though if she’s wearing that blonde hair on purpose, she does not know much about what looks good and what does not.)
The high point of this episode was the appearance of Mike O’Brien (from “7 Minutes In Heaven”)! That was about 40 seconds in. It all went downhill after that, but still: Mike O’Brien! And he even had a line!
LOVE 7 Minutes in Heaven!
What ever happened to Lindsay Lohan’s sister? She was so good in that movie Parent Trap…. She should have hosted.
She died mysteriously and quietly the second half of filming and remains uncredited for the film and unacknowledged for even existing.
She misteriously disappeared in the woods. There’s an incredible documentary about it, it’s called ‘I Know Who Killed Me’ or something.
Uhhh… Everyone is acting like a Serious Sally about this? I thought it was pretty fine, despite Lindsay being awful. She seemed to be trying, though, and that made it pretty endearing! Real Housewives of Disney was hysterical, IMHO, and I actually really liked the house-sitting sketch. And the other parts were alright? The dancing in the street sketch was a B-minus, for example, and the monologue was pretty good. I approve!
I also enjoyed the monologue. I actually stopped watching during ‘Scared Straight,’ but I want to check out the rest of it. Very much agree with you on “she seemed to be trying etc etc endearing.”
And for the record, I didn’t stop watching because I was so horribly offended – only a little offended and uncomfortable – I stopped watching because I just got kind of bored and said “fuck it, I’m going to play Skyrim some more before bed.”
Am i the only one who really enjoyed Rude Buddha? I really liked it!
I enjoyed the Psychic Awards show sketch… No one has mentioned it. Did I imagine it? Did everyone dislike that sketch? It was goofy and fun and short!
I liked that, too.
Was that sketch leftover from the 90s? It was pretty great but so unlike this SNL. Somebody definitely plunged into the unused sketch depths for that one.
If you look closely, when Sudeikis is turned around in the Scared Straight sketch to watch Kenan and LiLo leave, he picks his pants out of his butt crack right in the shot, then realizes it. I think that’s why he awkwardly sat on the desk and caused Hader to break.
He’s always trying to make the other guys break character in this sketch. I think he once sat on the desk in a funny way and everyone laughed. Since then he always does it. Keenan is also always touching Andy’s face and trying to surprise them. It’s become part of the sketch, I think.
That, and this time around when Sudeikis jump-sat on his desk I’m pretty sure he knocked a mug full of pens off it due to sheer impact. It even cracked him up.
Btw, that was my favorite part of the show.