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MARK WAHLBERRRRRRRRG! The best. Love this guy. Seriously, when you see Mark Wahlberg’s name in a headline these days, you know that is going to be a GOOD headline. “Mark Wahlberg Opening a Hamburger Restaurant Called Wahlburgers.” “Mark Wahlberg Would Have Stopped 9/11.” And now this: “Mark Wahlberg Says He Knows Oscar Results.” When the future mecha are recovering the historical legacy of their human creators from the Ice Wastes they’re going to just assume that Mark Wahlberg was some kind of president or king because he is found at the center of all our most important stories. Over the weekend, Mark Wahlberg told a reporter that he already knew who was going to win all the Oscars because HE HAS A FRIEND AT PRICE WATERHOUSE:
He said: “It’s not a matter of who I want to win, it’s who I know is going to win.”
When asked how he knew the results, he replied: “Because I’ve got a friend at PriceWaterhouse,” referring to PwC, the professional services company which provides auditing services to the Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences, meaning it is the certifier of votes for the Oscars, a role it has held since 1934.
GahhhhAHAHAHAHAHAHA. Jeremy Lin is like, “Take it easy, Mark, save some BEING INCREDIBLE for the rest of us!” So perfect. Motherucker name drops PRICE WATERHOUSE. “It’s not a matter of who I want to win, it’s who I know is going to win.” PAHHH. Mark Wahlberg!!!!!!! Incidentally, he goes on to make nine predictions (or FACTS) six of which are correct. That’s not bad! He probably won his Oscar pool. Although it’s kind of hilarious to go bragging about your “FRIEND AT PRICE WATERHOUSE” and then get a solid third of your guesses wrong. Not that it matters. He’s Mark Wahlberg! He’s our KING! (Thanks for the tip, Sara.)
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Who does Mark Wahlberg think he is? I AM!
+1
I aspire to have the kind of career Marky Mark has made for himself, and I’m not even trying to be ironic…
think you mean sarcastic. getting a little tired of the internet not respecting the true definition of irony
It’s ironic that people use that word without knowing what it means.
No it is not. It’s interesting but it don’t count as irony, learn a little about english before you go flying off at the handle aka look before you leap
Sarcasm is a form of irony.
If my friend at PriceWaterhouse had been in first class on that flight on 9/11, I woulda known it was gonna go down like that. And it wouldn’t have went down like that.
In summary, I knew The Descendants was gonna go down like that.
He keeps a photo of his friend at PriceWaterhouse in his wallet.
This is just like in Back To The Future 2 when Biff kept losing bets even though he had that sports almanac.
That analogy is as apt as screen doors on a battleship
Why don’t you make like a tree and get outta here?!
Also, I’m really excited to see everyone’s comments. This is a great story. Good job, everyone.
Oh yeah? Well I have a black friend at PriceWaterhouse.
Judging by what we already learned about the people behind The Oscars, I’m calling bullshit.
Then why couldn’t he stop the ceremony from being such a wreck?
“Because I’ve got a friend at PriceWaterhouse,”
Sure, Marky Mark. RUB IT IN OUR FACES THAT YOU HAVE A FRIEND. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I will be over on the playground.
I thought you were at the pool…
Speaking of Jeremy Lin, can someone please explain to me who that guy is, and why society is having such a hard time of not being racist towards him?
He’s a Chinese Athlete from Harvard, YOU try not being racist with material like that!
He plays basketball.
So did Yao Ming, and I don’t remember anybody except Shaq being racist towards him. Jeremy Lin even got Ben & Jerry’s among the racist train! Ben & Jerry’s! The most sensitive and liberal of all the ice cream companies!
I think it’s because he’s Asian-American, which is harder for the media to get their head around, somehow. And his name is too easy to pun.
Whatever, that’s a bullshit excuse the media always uses, EVERY name is easy to pun. Even yours. Let’s say you were on the Knicks and put up a triple double. easy headline “TopknotCH performance leads Knicks over celtics.” Please. Sport headlines. It’s not even fun anymore. “Raptors can’t scratch their MurraynmITCH.” “Knicks save FACEtaco vs. the Bobcats.” SO EASY.
Do me do me!
I don’t think he can FonDO it.
I will keep reFRESHIEing until he can
He’s a bad basketball player who is Asian.
He’s a Cinderalla story. Basically he wasn’t picked up by an important NCAA school for a basketball scholarship, wasn’t drafted, was picked up and fired by a few teams before finally being picked up by the Knicks as like their 5th stringer. After riding the pine for most of the season, there were so many injuries that he had to be put in. He then ends up with a record that rivals the best of all time. So, the reason no one can shut up about him is a combination of the diamond in the rough thing, plus it’s a New York team that has gone from a losing streak to a winning streak.
The racism thing is a weird kind of thing where people are sort of in that Tiger Woods/Eminem situation of realizing the best person in the world at doing this thing is not the type of person stereotypes (and the demographics of the field) would leave you to believe. Sort of like how Obama isn’t just the President but the “black” President. Excelling in a field full of people that aren’t your race makes your race suddenly something people are aware of. And, unlike with Yao Ming, the guy isn’t freakishly tall, so it’s not a case of an easily explainable trait that fixes the cognitive disonence. Also, it’s likely a case of people not as sensitive as to what is or isn’t offensive to Asian Americans as they are to African Americans.
On the Ben and Jerry’s front … it’s partially a case of wanting to make an ice cream about a newly minted celebrity and needing a hook. Not everyone has a name that rhymes or puns with a flavor, so sometimes they have to get ‘creative’. And all they have to work with is “he plays basketball” and “he’s asian”.
Of course, I wonder if they made a Larry Byrd ice cream if they would think of having Mayonaise in it.
I just hope he doesn’t become his “unemployed friend who sleeps on my couch” now.
Nah, he’d at least put him up in his hotel, WalBerthing.
Or you can build him his own room with sheet rock from WalWalling.
the next turtle
I’m surprised he doesn’t have a lot of friends at PriceWaterhouse. You know, like a whole entourage.
That explains why the best picture winner is always a Drama.
With plots that move as slowly as a Turtle.
(Ugh. I’m not even proud of that.)
…And forget about anything with a good car Chase!
(The cheers in my head just broke all my windows.)
Why are people continually interviewing Mark Wahlberg about everything under the sun?! Does he even have a current project he’s working on or doing press for? There should be a rule that celebrities can’t be interviewed unless they’re specifically on press tours for a project, in which then they can spew out their manifestos in full, unbroken streams of crazy or whatever. Just get it all out at once and give us a break!
I like his weird interviews. Shut UP or I’ll put “Good Vibrations” in your head for the rest of the day. Awwwww yeah. Is it there yet? Awww yeah. [drum sounds, lady singing the chorus]
I’m confused by your threat of “shut up OR I’ll put ‘Good Vibrations’ in your head,” as you didn’t give me a chance to shut up before you went ahead and did it anyway.
I just wish you weren’t such a liar.
Oooooh bop bop. Good Vibrations (givin’ me… Excitations)
Hahahaha. I’m in your head now, buddy. Just like the song.
I think he just yells this stuff around whenever he talks to anyone. “What’s up, man? I produce Entourage. I woulda stopped 9/11. I have a friend. Say hello to your mother for me.”
When asked how he always knows the answers to Wheel of Fortune puzzles, Mark Whalberg replied, “Because I got a friend at The Alphabet.”
I wonder if his friend gave him bad information so Wahlberg would lose a bet or whatever and, for once, brag about his accountant friend (instead of the other way around).
Can you imagine working in an office w/ a guy who would constantly namedrop Marky Mark? Seriously, an account who is besties with Mark Wahlberg? I would not want to share a cubical with him. No way.
Boring story time! I used to occasionally work with the mom of one of the Grey’s Anatomy people. Her desk was covered in pictures of her kid which, whatever, it’s her kid. Can’t fault that. But when I covered her (temp work, gotta love it) her co-worker would spend ALL DAY talking about it, and the time famousish kid came to the office! and hint at plot points in the show, and upcoming projects famous offspring was considering. If you think this retelling is boring, imagine it ad nauseum for eight hours. I think the dude hated me because I did not watch the show and was therefore unimpressed (and also just wanted to do my work. Why can’t I do my work?)
I mean, I am glad he found something that makes him happy. Follow your joy, people! But not in a cubicle. It is tiny and flamable.
I am so sorry. That show is the worst… And honestly only the most insufferable of coworkers would talk about it, but adding in a connection so they’re an insider to that stupid show? Or adjacent to an insider? That almost sounds like reasonable grounds to quit.
I love that the coworker only hinted at plot points. What unbridled restraint!
http://www.cnn.com/news/Donnie-Wahlberg-says-he-knew-winners-of-KidsChoiceAwards-Has-friend-Nickelodeon
“I knew the answers before it was cool”
HipsterMarkWahlberg.gif
“If I was on that Oscars ceremonywith my kids, it wouldn’t have went down like it did. There would have been a lot of blood in that theater and then me saying, ‘OK, we’re going to land somewhere safely, don’t worry,’”
This story gives me some Good Vibrations.
“He’s our King!!!” Does this blogger know who marky mark really is? and what he has done? how easily the wool gets pulled over most folks eyes.