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Hooray, the 2012 Academy Awards! All of our life’s work culminating in this one moment! The most beautiful night in the whole world! A chance for the stars to really SHINE! “WHO ARE YOU WEARING?” -@gabe. YUCK YUCK YUCK! I hate to seem too pessimistic about this year’s Academy Awards, because I DO think we’re all going to have a wonderful time together tonight watching Doug Hughs collect his Lifetime Achievement Award, but do you guys remember who’s hosting this year? I only remembered this morning, and it was honestly a pretty disappointing moment. BILLY CRYSTAL IS HOSTING! Billy “Academy Awards” Crystal is hosting the 2012 Oscars. That sounds like a not very good joke that a standup comedian would’ve made in 2004 when he or she was explaining the dystopian nightmare of 2012. (No disrespect to national treasure Mr. Crystal.) And yet here we are! Are your h’orderves ready? Champagne chilled? Gold glitter placed all over your face and arms? Perfect! Chat with us here throughout the ceremony, and follow us on Twitter, and us and us and us, and LET THE ACADEMY AWARDS BEGIN!
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So glad this Oscar show is helping me understand what it’s like to go to the movies. I’ve already forgotten…earlier today when I went to the movies.
Oh, this is helping me remember. Had totally blocked out the French Canadian performance troupe when I saw Amanda Seyfried in Gone this afternoon. In hindsight, it was a major part of the movie.
I hope those guys don’t take out the jazz fusion band.
Please let a dancer fall on everyone involved with the oscars
This is so true. Every time I go to the movies, I am always rudely accosted by French acrobats and transported to a world of contrived wonder.
Dance is the universal language that I don’t understand a word of.
If those dancers did that at my local cinema they would be thrown out. Truth.
I’d like to see some interpretative choreography about the failure to get SOPA/ PIPA through Congress.
I’d like to see Crystal interpret GIVING UP and NO MORE JOKES.
No, Billy Crystal. No.
And to think, Eddie Murphy could have done this whole thing as a Klump.
Max Von Sydow has been in his 80s since the mid-80s.
Paltrow… Let me guess, she’s not going to appreciate this.
Of course she has to be the pissy one in this bit.
Granted, I’m also the pissy one during this bit.
She did it without the teleprompter! Whatta pro! It’s why she’s in the biz folks.
Look, I would HAPPILY watch nothing but Cirque Du Soleil and Christopher Guest skits if it means not having to listen to Billy Fucking Crystal. He is THE WORST.
If A Tree Falls is really really good. Everyone should watch it.
Tonight’s role of Chis Rock will be played by DL Hughley.
Why is this a reply? I leave it to you to figure this out.
I decided to re-watch The Birds and read the comments here to keep up with the Oscars. I feel very good about this decision.
Hey gif-makers! Please make a gif of Clooney watching Cirque de Soleil!
Yup
Winnie-the-Pooh for best animated picture.
Actually serious about this. No idea why it wasn’t nominated.
Chris Rock, here to present the award for Best Hamburger & Best Haircut.
(remember, from before?)
They totally got unde-acceptancespeech’ed.
Eh.
They cut the microphones to the last guys to make more room for this Chris Rock routine???
Bebe’s Kids for best animated picture.
That was a terrible movie.
Chris Rock pronouncing foreign names is immense.
Rango’d again!
The Oskars have been Rango’d.
There’s still time to keep The Lorax out of next year’s ceremony.
Oh there will be condoms all over next year’s red carpet, mark my words.
Brave wins next year, obvs. Or Wreck-it-Ralph.
But clearly, not a Rango.
I am totally out of the running to win the Oscar pool, which I’m kind of fine with, as I picked terrible upset winners for most categories. Puss in Boots, you let me down.
HA! Breaking Bad ref in that Apt 23 commerical!
Is Ben Stiller standing in a hole?
I’m surprised that skit didn’t end with Billy Crystal getting hosed down in fake diarrhea.
First time presenting an award? The MTV Movie Awards beg to differ, Emma.
I love Emma Stone.
Oh Emma Stone, why do you always make me fall in love with you?
Because she’s charming and funny and good-looking.
Andy Serkis is made up of 1′s and 0′s
Serkis’s enablers were robbed!
Donna Darko-ish
that’s a big ish
We’re gonna need a bigger ish!
and another montage!
Goddamnit, Transformers. Why must you always fail me?
“I like that one” – nightmare man
Melissa Leo’s dress looks like it was made with two trips to TJ Maxx and Michaels crafts.
You forgot about her quick trip to Joann Fabrics.
I think my mother forwarded all these jokes to Billy Crystal’s email.
I’m glad Nick Nolte’s bloated corpse showed up for this.
JONAH HILL WAS ROBBED
I wish Christopher Plummer was my dad.
Why is it dusty in here all of a sudden?
Really wanted Von Sydow to win because DOY it’s Von Sydow, but Plummer was a great choice to be sure.
Christopher Plummer was a wonderful choice, congrats to all of us.
I could watch him give speeches all day.
If Jonah Hill would have beat out Christopher Plummer, I probably would have set some shit on fire.
Hi everyone. I just stopped in to say I haven’t watched the Oscars since the Events of 9/11.
OK, good night!
Patrick M: never forget.
AUGGIE’S THOUGHTS ARE CLEARLY KILL THE NIGHTMARE MAN.
Also: Morgan Freeman’s thoughts are clearly only of his sweet granddaughter bride.
Alright Crystal, you made me LOL with the Nolte thing.
Why are all the edgy jokes about black women??? For Real???
It’s good that the French French Stewart won that award.
NOW WILL EVERYONE SEE THE ARTIST? GAWD
No formal training in composition??? It’s cause he stole the damn music ya goofs!
@michaelianblack just tweeted, “Owen Wilson is getting more and more Owen Wilsony.”
…and Accepting on behalf of Bernard Hermann is Ludovic Bource.
Unsubscribe, Will Ferrell and Zack Galifinakis.
YES! Love BRET!
RIP Jim Henson
Yay, Bret! Fuck you, Rio!
Stay classy, Bret, aka Rhymenoceros!
“Cigars. Cigarettes. Cookies” is happening
He may be dead. He maybe did what? WIN AN OSCAR!
So far, I’ve guessed correctly in 6 categories and incorrectly in 9.
Does anyone know where I can find episodes of season 3 of Justified online?
Way to work that leg, Jolie. You don’t have much else to work with at the moment.
Classic Crystal. #rewind
Can Angelina Jolie read? Seriously? Is she illiterate?
Take you time Billy, make sure you get that horrible shitty joke right. It will go down like a fucking bomb.
Frankly my dear, I do give a dean! GO DEAN!
Tumblr is about to blow up!
Props to the Sunnydale Dean and the guy who lost to Lizzy Caplan at the Party Down picnic games!
Does Woody Allen not attend Oscars?
Goo ol’ Woody. Always getting Best Original Screenplay, never the bride.
*GOOD ol’ Woody
Dear Academy,
You can’t have Werner Herzog be part of your horrible montage and then not nominate ANY of his documentaries.
Because there is no one better than Adam Sandler to opine on what makes a great movie.
“Maybe by the time I’m 85 I’ll play every role in a movie I’ve written and produced.” -Adam Sandler
Just tuned in. How much has war horse won?
The stream I’m watching the Oscars on has the craziest Spanish commercials I’ve ever seen.
Actually, it’s not in Spanish. ‘Reklam’ is not a spanish word, as far as I know.
It’s a Scandinavian language I’d guess. Swedish probably? They have horrible commercials.
In fact, every word has at LEAST one umlaut.
How many anal rape scenes?
Milla Jovovich is here to sing her 90s hit “The Gentleman Who Fell”
I really like how everyone sounds like aliens.
THE Bridesmaids!
Glee!
Always the Bridesmaids, never the Oscar winners
BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO (sorry, ladies, I love you, but BOOOOOOOOOO)
This is a very cute acceptance speech, they’re so getting cut off.
What the fuck just happened?! Why’d they drink those cyanide capsules?
Inside jokes are very funny on tv in front ofmillionsof people.
Yes I am drinking.
Join the club. blurg
It’s life, jump into life.
I believe on the Golden Globes, Kristen Wiig and Maya Rudolph explained that they would drink anytime anyone mentioned Sorsese.
Oh Erin I love you.
Adam Savage! You deserve that oscar!
Oh brother, get these swamp rats off the stage.
Only four more categories now, right?
Best Picture, Best Actor, Best Actress, and Best Director, right?
RIGHT?
RIGHT?!
Wait, can we do a point check?? POINT CHECK:
9 right so far in the polls
My point check is as follows:
Correct guesses: 8
Incorrect guesses: 12
Here you go:
and the death montage.
So 4 more hours then, right?
Do you think they will end with fireworks spelling out ‘World Peace’?
No, that would actually be pretty funny.
The original Kaitlin Cooper from The OC, everybody!
Terrence Mallick PLEASE
I really wish the future had been nominated for something.
I didn’t know Jeremy Sisto was French.
Jeez, who is this guy? Me, after winning my EGOT? #humblebrag
Congrats on that, by the way!
thanks, topknot!
The orchestra guy liked this joke.
Wait, did Oprah die?
I hope James Earl Jones wins his award. *fingers crossed!*
Which one is Dick Smith?
So much clapping.
Clapping and standing
Did they say humanitarian award??? Fuck you Oscars!
don draper döndü
Mad Men Yakinda
is this singer in LMFAO?
I’m somber and I know it.
Hope they remember ass Dan.